That I’ve been sitting on replying to this for over a week now probably means that I fall, at least at this time group, as an outsider. I remember a time (some time ago) when I felt differently, when I was also very different, as was the world (and also the BDSM world). I was kinky - that I knew - but I had little to no understanding of how to successfully make that a functional and healthy part of my life, instead of the perverse yet fantastical depths my unfulfilled desires would sink to. I needed help.
I got it here. I read about all the ways people fit BDSM into their lives and realised no one gives a shit what I do as long as I don’t shove it in their face. That (thank you to Stellas essay and many other philosophical conversations) the labels don’t really matter, that we shift and grow over time and that I could open every door and try what was inside - without shame - if I so chose. Those lessons are also useful absolutely everywhere, and are an indelible gift this place has given me that I will always be grateful for. As life got busier and more rich as a result of these lessons I drifted away from the board but I lurk at times when I need to, when I need the presence of a community that gets this part of me. Whether this is still the group where those sorts of realisations are facilitated, I don’t know. I certainly hope so, because there are a lot of lost people out there needing a space to grow.
What I’ve also learnt since that time, about groups and inclusion is that it takes vulnerability, introspection and commitment. If one of those three is missing you will only ever achieve a limited level of group functioning. That’s not to say that this is bad, or wrong - only that certain needs and emotions can’t be adequately expressed or worked through. A certain level of detachment is present between members which impedes on levels of communication. Levels of functionality fluctuate over time but often closely mirrors both the expertise and engagement levels of the participants. Belonging is something that requires regular, genuine and emotional involvement and in the chaos of modern life where time, money and a clear head are precious few commodities we all have less to give. I can’t ask anyone to give what I cannnot, and at the moment I’m too weak to give more of myself away. The best I can do is pop in every now and then for an epic, emotional blurt. It’s where I am right now and I’m making peace with that.
So yeah, some shit to think about. Every person that comes to this board has a relationship with the board itself and the people here. Sit with it and see what it means to you. Make a change if it feels right. That’s all we can do.
I got it here. I read about all the ways people fit BDSM into their lives and realised no one gives a shit what I do as long as I don’t shove it in their face. That (thank you to Stellas essay and many other philosophical conversations) the labels don’t really matter, that we shift and grow over time and that I could open every door and try what was inside - without shame - if I so chose. Those lessons are also useful absolutely everywhere, and are an indelible gift this place has given me that I will always be grateful for. As life got busier and more rich as a result of these lessons I drifted away from the board but I lurk at times when I need to, when I need the presence of a community that gets this part of me. Whether this is still the group where those sorts of realisations are facilitated, I don’t know. I certainly hope so, because there are a lot of lost people out there needing a space to grow.
What I’ve also learnt since that time, about groups and inclusion is that it takes vulnerability, introspection and commitment. If one of those three is missing you will only ever achieve a limited level of group functioning. That’s not to say that this is bad, or wrong - only that certain needs and emotions can’t be adequately expressed or worked through. A certain level of detachment is present between members which impedes on levels of communication. Levels of functionality fluctuate over time but often closely mirrors both the expertise and engagement levels of the participants. Belonging is something that requires regular, genuine and emotional involvement and in the chaos of modern life where time, money and a clear head are precious few commodities we all have less to give. I can’t ask anyone to give what I cannnot, and at the moment I’m too weak to give more of myself away. The best I can do is pop in every now and then for an epic, emotional blurt. It’s where I am right now and I’m making peace with that.
So yeah, some shit to think about. Every person that comes to this board has a relationship with the board itself and the people here. Sit with it and see what it means to you. Make a change if it feels right. That’s all we can do.