Insider or Outsider?

[SpunThings]

Also, if you can navigate thinking of every way someone might misunderstand you successfully, you'll be very practiced at negotiating your kink relationship. It's a necessary skill to have. So many kink relationship issues can be prevented with lots of discussion, careful use of words, and making sure everyone is on the same page with regard to word definitions. Things are just too fluid and individually unique to safely make assumptions. If I say I'm a sub, and you a dom, that doesn't mean we're ready to play. You could start spanking me, yet you don't know I hate spanking. This kind of detailed discussion is really important. Being a bit anal about word usage is important.

 

[Nezhul]

>>> For people that need coddling and hand holding, perhaps they shouldn't be participating in some of the more risky play.
Why? It's not your place to decide what they do. Some people do need more advice than others, some are thin-skinned when it comes to criticism. That doesn't mean they can't do difficult things in a safe and sane way.
Also, being polite doesn't hurt your point, it doesn't make it less profound. Being "strict" and blunt, however, has the opposite effect - people are more likely to disagree with you, just because they feel like you are attacking them and they go on defense.

>>> any hint that they are the ones doing something wrong, and they get really defensive.
That depends on how the hint is phrased. there's a reason between
"You are doing it wrong. You can't do it like that! Don't ever do like that!!!"
and
"You should always keep in mind that there are this that and this dangers to what you do. You should always ... , and you should never ... if you want to be safe."
The first form is demanding, it's intimidating and the reader goes on defense. Especially if what they did is what they liked with passion. The other form is suggestive. It will still alert people on what wrongs they may be doing, but it will not put them against you, and they will be more liable to think about the problems you outline than about your demeanor.

>>> Also, if you can navigate thinking of every way someone might misunderstand you successfully, you'll be very practiced at negotiating your kink relationship. It's a necessary skill to have.
Perhaps it is. But that's beside the point. You can learn this skill elsewhere. It's not the aim of these forums to teach people to think strategically about what they say. What you say is like saying that getting beaten by sticks every day builds up pain and stress tolerance, thus it is good.
People come here to relax, to find advice in a safe and friendly way. Not to be drawn into constant arguments, not to be bashed over the head for not writing EVERY aspect of a situation they describe. I describe the part of it I want to talk about. If I didn't describe all the safety measures that I employ in my play, that doesn't make them non-existent. But here, I saw people assume they are non-existent and start attacking the threadstarter.

 

[LallyH]

>>> For people that need coddling and hand holding, perhaps they shouldn't be participating in some of the more risky play.
Why? It's not your place to decide what they do. Some people do need more advice than others, some are thin-skinned when it comes to criticism. That doesn't mean they can't do difficult things in a safe and sane way.
Also, being polite doesn't hurt your point, it doesn't make it less profound. Being "strict" and blunt, however, has the opposite effect - people are more likely to disagree with you, just because they feel like you are attacking them and they go on defense.

>>> any hint that they are the ones doing something wrong, and they get really defensive.
That depends on how the hint is phrased. there's a reason between
"You are doing it wrong. You can't do it like that! Don't ever do like that!!!"
and
"You should always keep in mind that there are this that and this dangers to what you do. You should always ... , and you should never ... if you want to be safe."
The first form is demanding, it's intimidating and the reader goes on defense. Especially if what they did is what they liked with passion. The other form is suggestive. It will still alert people on what wrongs they may be doing, but it will not put them against you, and they will be more liable to think about the problems you outline than about your demeanor.

>>> Also, if you can navigate thinking of every way someone might misunderstand you successfully, you'll be very practiced at negotiating your kink relationship. It's a necessary skill to have.
Perhaps it is. But that's beside the point. You can learn this skill elsewhere. It's not the aim of these forums to teach people to think strategically about what they say. What you say is like saying that getting beaten by sticks every day builds up pain and stress tolerance, thus it is good.
People come here to relax, to find advice in a safe and friendly way. Not to be drawn into constant arguments, not to be bashed over the head for not writing EVERY aspect of a situation they describe. I describe the part of it I want to talk about. If I didn't describe all the safety measures that I employ in my play, that doesn't make them non-existent. But here, I saw people assume they are non-existent and start attacking the threadstarter.

Agreed.

This thread was started because it had become clear that very experienced and very articulate BDSM practitioners were giving this forum a wide berth because of the hectoring tone that can be prevalent.

I was lucky when I first started because my naive questions were met with warmth, inclusion and sage advice. Those who guided me are no longer around for a variety of reasons, and those of us who are left could learn a lot from the kindness and understanding with which they treated newcomers.

 

[MeekMe]

Posters reply with the information they're given. I'm among the group of people that will always mention risk and safety when it comes to certain activities. The reason I do this, is because I don't want to be the person that said "tie your tits like this" and the person goes off and does it and ends causing severe damage because they left it too tight for too long. Or they wrapped their chest so tight they stopped being able to breath freely, panicked and got hurt. I do this, because I was once that person. It's kind of scary to be alone wrapped up in rope and unable to think clearly because now you can't breath and you're panicking.

We see a lot come through that post for advice and never return. Maybe they forgot or didn't get what they thought they would. We also get the same couple of people that come here looking for wank fodder. They pop up every few months and ask the same question. They usual just want us to describe what we'd do. I'm not going to participate in something I know for sure isn't for anything more than blowing a load. I've also seen these same people get their wank fodder and had to point out the difference between fantasy and real life. No, you probably shouldn't hold that stress position for hours because you're likely to cause real harm. Sounds hot in that erotica you just read but your doctor isn't going to be as amused.

Can it come off as harsh? Yes. Is it always meant to be harsh? Probably not. Is this a judgment free zone? Fuck no.

I can honestly say that this forum is on par with other BDSM forums. We aren't more or less welcoming or unwelcoming. There's always groups of people that are really chummy. There's always people that feel left out. There's snark, condescension, care, caution and all the other things a mixed group of people have to offer.

If you say something stupid or dangerous you're hopefully going to be called out on it. If I ever say something stupid or dangerous, feel free to call me out on it. Some things that are probably never going to be well received:

No, we aren't going to encourage you to cheat on your SO
No, we aren't going to encourage you to coerce someone into doing XYZ with you
No, we aren't going to encourage you to do that dangerous activity without caution
No, we aren't going to give you the cheat code to tricking people into thinking you're an awesome, safe play partner
No, we aren't going to look the other way when you say dumb shit like "I have no limits"
No, we aren't going to encourage you to involve the general public in your kink

^^^^This stuff is the same stuff I see called out on other forums. We aren't more evil or less welcoming because we do this. Also, "we" is pretty general and not everyone does this or even cares about these things. Things are open to interpretation because there really is no tone being used here. You can read my post as angry, happy or neutral. For clarification: it's neutral.

 

[BiBunny]

Why is that?

I think everybody got tired of being complained about, no matter what they did, so they just stopped talking.

Then, of course, there was a lot of "Waaaaah, why are you ignoring me?!?!?!" We couldn't win for losing, so people just straight-up stopped bothering. Me included.

 

[MeekMe]

I think everybody got tired of being complained about, no matter what they did, so they just stopped talking.

Then, of course, there was a lot of "Waaaaah, why are you ignoring me?!?!?!" We couldn't win for losing, so people just straight-up stopped bothering. Me included.

This is pretty much how it went. We were either mean or ignoring people. No matter what we did it was bad. It was either post and be considered an asshole for perceived tone or not post and be considered an asshole for ignoring someone.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cookiecat]

I think everybody got tired of being complained about, no matter what they did, so they just stopped talking.

Then, of course, there was a lot of "Waaaaah, why are you ignoring me?!?!?!" We couldn't win for losing, so people just straight-up stopped bothering. Me included.

Bummer.

Back in '06 when I first joined, I do remember a lot more voices in the threads. I see a few familiar names. I liked - and still like - reading about different perspectives regardless if I agreed with the poster.

I left due to real life stuff. Now I find I have a lot of time on my hands and enjoy the distraction. I think that happens a lot - people come and go as they find the time. And, I suppose, in the vein of this thread, if the time spent is enjoyable.

 

[Mindfondler]

I'll address the prevailing question directly, if rather bluntly.

I don't spend much time in this forum because I don't feel that it is representative of the real-life kink community (at least, in the UK), the vast majority of which I've found to be welcoming, tolerant, understanding and mutually supportive.

Why should I open my heart and bare my soul here? What's the pay-off?
.

 

[cascadiabound]

I'll address the prevailing question directly, if rather bluntly.

I don't spend much time in this forum because I don't feel that it is representative of the real-life kink community (at least, in the UK), the vast majority of which I've found to be welcoming, tolerant, understanding and mutually supportive.

Why should I open my heart and bare my soul here? What's the pay-off?
.

Dear Mindfondler~
It just makes me so sad that you feel this way.
I know that I personally have benefited from your posts. And without this forum I would not know you.

You are very fortunate to have a kink community that you can play with and interact with in RL. I am deeply jealous of this. While I am definitely not a poser (I do practice BDSM in my relationship) it is not possible for lots of reasons for me to interact in RL at meet ups or munches.

So...this forum must serve as my outlet ~ as my place to be in conversation with more than just my SO. Both to work on my own stuff and to consider things I might not on my own.

Yes, sometimes conversation is difficult here. Sometimes we are misunderstood or we write imperfectly when we are having a bad day.
But I have found welcome here. I have tried to be welcoming.
I have found tolerance here. I have tried to be tolerant and promote tolerance in my postings.
I have found understanding and friendship here ....even more than I expected, frankly. And i have tried to be understanding and to offer my friendship.

For me...there has been enough pay off to bare my soul.
But I am a bit of an eternal optimist.

cb

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cookiecat]

I'll address the prevailing question directly, if rather bluntly.

I don't spend much time in this forum because I don't feel that it is representative of the real-life kink community (at least, in the UK), the vast majority of which I've found to be welcoming, tolerant, understanding and mutually supportive.

Why should I open my heart and bare my soul here? What's the pay-off?
.

Ouch.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'll address the prevailing question directly, if rather bluntly.

I don't spend much time in this forum because I don't feel that it is representative of the real-life kink community (at least, in the UK), the vast majority of which I've found to be welcoming, tolerant, understanding and mutually supportive.

Why should I open my heart and bare my soul here? What's the pay-off?
.

At the risk of sounding like a hard-ass, it's interesting to me that you feel no payoff in posting here. I remember a thread you started a while back about wanting to find ways to have more mentoring/guiding experiences, and it being a struggle to find a way to incorporate that in your current situation.

That's the payoff.

You open your heart, bare your soul, risk a few misunderstandings, help some, piss off others... And six months, six years, sixteen years down the road you realize some of the pixels you threw at the screen, stuck. And as a result the ones who saw them understand their version of kink a little differently (if not better). Odds of a thank you are slim, but isn't that what mentoring and guiding IS?

 

[gluttonne]

A lot of good/interesting points being made here.

My personal experience is that I made one of if not my very first post in these forums on this board, and while I have occasionally had a little friction, I definitely never felt as though I was unwelcome due to my lack of posts or rapport with the group. I try to extend that welcome to others, but there are certain things that are likely to get a response that may sound smug or unfriendly - typically things that involve real risk of mental or physical harm to another human being, particularly when that human being is not a party to the conversation.

I have done (and would still do) a lot of things that would scare or perhaps even disgust some other folks on here, but any woman I trust enough to do those things do is someone I respect enough to put her safety first. Some folks, usually people who are fairly new to using somewhat controversial means to find pleasure, absolutely don't get this right away. In fact, I'm sure I wouldn't have when I was younger, but I guess I've been lucky in that my range for sadistic or aggressive sex has evolved at about the speed of my experience.

 

[Mindfondler]

It's interesting that, having expressed my personal perspective and raised a couple of reasonable, pertinent questions, I now feel under pressure to defend myself.

Lally described my own situation very well:

I'm afraid that I can see Nezhul's point

I've had posts concerning my own experiences rounded on because I hadn't specified *all* the details, including the safety aspects. To me, they were just casual remarks about my own life and I was shocked at the tone of the responses - being patronised and talked down to because I hadn't actually specified that yes, of course my husband does stay around during isolation play, rather than getting in his car and going to the match with his mates . So I don't tend to post much in that vein any more because I can't be bothered with explaining all the nuts and bolts of it, and I don't want to share that much detail.

I can understand concern being shown in case someone seen as new may be trying out new types of play without looking into all the aspects of it. But I think *how* that concern is shown is important. It's just as easy to post in a supportive and helpful tone as a condescending one, isn't it?

My own experiences have been similar. I recently posted some thoughts on D/s play in a spirit of sharing, but was then roundly chastised because I had omitted one qualifying word and someone read my posting in isolation without taking into account the context in which I made it. That would never happen in the real life community that I know. At the very least, I'm sure that I'd be given a chance to explain myself more carefully before being judged.

To give a hard-ass response, I have a giving heart, but I'm not a complete masochist. If it seems more likely that the pay-off will be negative than positive, then I'm not going to bother. As in the real world, trust here can be lost in an instant but may take an eternity to rebuild. Perhaps some of the trigger-happy quibblers and self-confessed curmudgeons hiding behind their screens would do well to remember that.
.

 

[seela]

My own experiences have been similar. I recently posted some thoughts on D/s play in a spirit of sharing, but was then roundly chastised because I had omitted one qualifying word and someone read my posting in isolation without taking into account the context in which I made it. That would never happen in the real life community that I know. At the very least, I'm sure that I'd be given a chance to explain myself more carefully before being judged.

I think the bolded bit has a lot to do with the nature of this being an internet board. In real life it's much easier to read facial cues and tone than it is to interpret written word. It's much easier to ask someone to explain what they mean by something, because the reply comes instantly. On an internet board it can take a long time for the OP (or whoever) to come back to explain, and before that the conversation has often gotten rolling already.

I'm not saying this to belittle or trying to disprove your observation, but this type of behavior seems to be common on most internet forums, not just BDSM Talk/Cafe, Lit or even just in general BDSM or sex related forums.

Living in a country where the kink pool is really, really small, a lot of the same people populate the discussion board online as well as go to munches and other IRL events. My experience is that the conversation, among those same people, is always much more heated and harsh online than it is in an IRL meeting. That's why I think it really has a lot to do with the nature of an internet conversation about serious topics.

I think another point that brings tension is that people have different expectations of what they want to get out of BDSM Talk (I don't want to talk about Lit in general, because I rarely visit the other sections). Some people love debate and getting almost "nitpicky" or academic with the topics and are here for serious discussion. Others are here to talk more casually, get to know people, just to have a good time and get some sexy thrills maybe.

Our corner of Lit is definitely heavier on the serious discussion front than any other BDSM board I have frequented in past, and that's what originally got me hooked. This isn't a very sexy place, even if we talk about sex. I think that easily throws newcomers off and can make this an intimidating place to post, but to me that's also what makes Lit stand out among other forums.

I think before the Fetish forum was started, BDSM Talk was more balanced in a way and probably an easier place for a newbie to join as well. Now we tilt heavy on the serious and non-sexy side and joining those conversations as a newcomer can be scary. I have noticed that the lighter "I like this, who likes this too?" type threads that are started here often get responses from very different crowd than the others, which are usually mostly populated by the regulars.

 

[Rollinbones]

If I might make an observation from my creepy lurking in this board.

The BDSM genre of kinks involves some fairly polar concepts. Dominance/submission, tops/bottoms, Bigs/Littles etc To fill those polar roles requires a degree of personality polarity.

If you put those black and whites together in an internet communication setting without face to face you are going to have to expect a fair play of friction in the dynamic which arises. After all it's the friction of the polar dynamics in the style of kink which identify it.

I'm not saying that you should all hold hands and sing kumbaya. But ultimately, when you open the door to this particular board perhaps strong personalities and some clashes should be expected and tolerated within reason.

/2c

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LallyH]

I'm not saying that you should all hold hands and sing kumbaya.....

/2c

Sorry, but this made me laugh out loud

 

[Farawyn]

I think the bolded bit has a lot to do with the nature of this being an internet board. In real life it's much easier to read facial cues and tone than it is to interpret written word. It's much easier to ask someone to explain what they mean by something, because the reply comes instantly. On an internet board it can take a long time for the OP (or whoever) to come back to explain, and before that the conversation has often gotten rolling already.

I'm not saying this to belittle or trying to disprove your observation, but this type of behavior seems to be common on most internet forums, not just BDSM Talk/Cafe, Lit or even just in general BDSM or sex related forums.

Living in a country where the kink pool is really, really small, a lot of the same people populate the discussion board online as well as go to munches and other IRL events. My experience is that the conversation, among those same people, is always much more heated and harsh online than it is in an IRL meeting. That's why I think it really has a lot to do with the nature of an internet conversation about serious topics.

I think another point that brings tension is that people have different expectations of what they want to get out of BDSM Talk (I don't want to talk about Lit in general, because I rarely visit the other sections). Some people love debate and getting almost "nitpicky" or academic with the topics and are here for serious discussion. Others are here to talk more casually, get to know people, just to have a good time and get some sexy thrills maybe.

Our corner of Lit is definitely heavier on the serious discussion front than any other BDSM board I have frequented in past, and that's what originally got me hooked. This isn't a very sexy place, even if we talk about sex. I think that easily throws newcomers off and can make this an intimidating place to post, but to me that's also what makes Lit stand out among other forums.

I think before the Fetish forum was started, BDSM Talk was more balanced in a way and probably an easier place for a newbie to join as well. Now we tilt heavy on the serious and non-sexy side and joining those conversations as a newcomer can be scary. I have noticed that the lighter "I like this, who likes this too?" type threads that are started here often get responses from very different crowd than the others, which are usually mostly populated by the regulars.

I think the serious discussion is incredibly sexy, because it's more revealing.

 

[seela]

I think the serious discussion is incredibly sexy, because it's more revealing.

I think so too.

What I meant by sexy, though, was more in the vein of thrilling maybe, more like the discussions on the fetish board tend to be.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[CutieMouse]

It's interesting that, having expressed my personal perspective and raised a couple of reasonable, pertinent questions, I now feel under pressure to defend myself.

Lally described my own situation very well:


My own experiences have been similar. I recently posted some thoughts on D/s play in a spirit of sharing, but was then roundly chastised because I had omitted one qualifying word and someone read my posting in isolation without taking into account the context in which I made it. That would never happen in the real life community that I know. At the very least, I'm sure that I'd be given a chance to explain myself more carefully before being judged.

But an online forum isn't the same as a "real life community", simply due to format. One loses the subtle cues of conversation (eye movement, body tension, laughter, etc) that help prevent misunderstanding when discussing difficult subjects. It's not quite apples and oranges; maybe apples and kumquats?

To give a hard-ass response, I have a giving heart, but I'm not a complete masochist. If it seems more likely that the pay-off will be negative than positive, then I'm not going to bother. As in the real world, trust here can be lost in an instant but may take an eternity to rebuild. Perhaps some of the trigger-happy quibblers and self-confessed curmudgeons hiding behind their screens would do well to remember that.
.

The above is a perfect example.

I don't post around here much anymore, so there aren't many present-day examples of how I "think out loud" on the forums. As a result, there isn't much context to my posts [in the big picture sense], which makes it more difficult (IMO) to hear my [intended] tone behind the words.

My reason for replying to your posts, inquiring about the mentoring aspect was honestly a moment of

"Huh... that's fascinating, because dude seems to be that nurturing/informative/mentoring type... where's the disconnect? And why, because he's participating in an online forum, which is auto-mentoring [light]. " Nothing more; nothing less.

(My perspective is that participating in a forum [period] is a form of mentoring, simply because knowledge is going back and forth. But through the act of participating in a forum, one is guaranteed to experience moments of frustration, misunderstanding, irritation and feelings of masochism. Because IMO anyone who chooses to communicate through the written word [alone], on some level, has to have a smidgen of masochism in their soul. )

To take that thought a bit further, the forum and all the knowledge it contains exists because there are people willing to post [mentor] regardless of the ROI. [Is the posting payoff more likely to be positive than negative? Probably negative... fuck it I'm saying my piece, anyway.] I'm guilty of it, too. Sometimes I still contribute, knowing it may or may not help, but I do it because I don't want to see the forum die. And a lack of participating = forum death. So a "drive by" posting sometimes feels like a better option than no post at all.

Sometimes the words others see as unnecessarily sharp, or dismissive, or uninviting may be someone with knowledge attempting to share it, but without the time/energy to do so in sugar coated ways. Once upon a time it felt like that was an understood aspect of participating in an online forum (real life time constraints vs online communication), and if there were misunderstandings they'd be worked out in-thread with a bit of back and forth, but not as much anymore. I see it across all formats (not just Lit).

Years ago, when I had a lot of real world stuff going on, someone asked the difference between Topping/bottoming and Dominance/submission. I was on my way to work, but took 5 minutes to toss out a paraphrased version of what I'd read 5-6 years previously in The New Topping Book & The New Bottoming Book - specifically stating that it was an off the top of my head paraphrase, and I hadn't read the book in several years, it would be best to buy copies and read them.

And came home from work to find myself soundly criticized for not explaining it right.

I think at that point I'd been a member of BDSM Talk/Cafe for a DECADE. I tried to share knowledge, in the limited time I had, and it felt like I'd been smacked down for doing so. And yes, it was a bit of a "last straw" moment (given the things I had going on in real life at the time).

The other day there was a thread about breath play. I didn't have the time to go into my normal (lengthy) explanation of the subject (because, yummy yummy not smart stuff), but posted a starting point for research... and came home to read the responses, to end up feeling uncertain if I'd upset someone/been unnecessarily sharp for starting my post with a safety caveat.

Two examples (years apart) with rotten ROI. One in which as an "old timer" my feelings got hurt; one in which my attempt to do a drive-by helpful post may have stung the OP.

If people aren't willing to be adults, take a deep breath when posting, sort it out in-thread instead of getting defensive (on both sides), and accept the ebb and flow of the forum, it will die. Which I think would be a damnable shame. It's not the most active forum on the net, but it's like an old friend. Perfectly imperfect.

We all have a responsibility to shape and grow the forum in whatever way we are able. For me, that means accepting it isn't a static experience, and the things I miss about the "old days" aren't where this place is in the present. It means accepting a shitty ROI, because every once in a while the ROI is actually worth it.

But on that note, real life calls.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

I think it's sad that some of the bdsm conversations and picture threads have been on other boards. But....neither do I think bdsm should be pigeon holed maybe. I don't know. If I have a bdsm related question, I want to ask it here. I'd like the voices from other boards who post on those threads to be here, but I accept that's not necessarily going to happen. THIS Is my home board on lit. These are the people I feel among.

I too feel that these boards (BDSM talk and BDSM cafe) are my "home" boards on lit. This is where I first got comfortable and this is my "natural" kink home. "My" people so to speak.
However, I have fostered and actively participated in BDSM themed picture threads and conversation threads on the Playground. Why I have done this? Because I believe that there are people on Lit for whom wandering over to the BDSM boards is just too uncomfortable. The slower pace of the boards, or the seriousness of the threads is discomfiting to them. Yet they have questions. Or proclivities, or kinks or wonderings that are very much in the BDSM wheelhouse. And so I have wanted to help create some spaces in the playground for this and to 1) direct the discussion appropriately when possible 2) combat unhealthy, unhelpful stereotypes 3) direct people to good resources - including the BDSM boards here.

Additionally - it seems to me that having some of those discussions/ picture threads occur on the playground can serve as a conduit for people to discover the BDSM boards and decide that these are forums they want to participate in. I can think of at least 2 Litsters who have migrated from the playground to these boards in recent months. They may not be the most active posters, but I know they read here and they do add their voices from time to time. And these forums are enhanced, I believe, by having new voices in the mix.

I know that sometimes "newbies" wonder if their wide-eyed "green" questions are annoying to people who have been participating in this forum for a long time - people like CutieMouse who have been here for a DECADE as she points out and SpunThings and BiBunny and MWY and DGE and lots of others I could name. I myself have been impressed by the patience that seems to be continually extended to people as they come to the forum with the "Hi, I'm brand new toe BDSM, I am so excited and I have X question." As a person who works in healthcare - I am well aware that part of my role is to answer the same question again and again and again - as each person is experiencing their stuff in a unique way. And they deserve the same carefully constructed answer as the last person. Does it get old? yes. Do I sometimes have bad days? yes. But, I see my role mainly as a communicator, as an educator, as a person who tries to meet people where they are with the needs they have right now.

This is part of what I am trying to do here too. Yes, I post, as I have said elsewhere, as a way to share my own experiences in hopes that they might be of some use to others, and as Cutie Mouse commented in her (I thought) well composed post, part of what we are doing when we post here is mentoring. And in an on-line forum there is an element of masochism in doing so as without having RL relationships ~ body language, tone, smiles, laughter, etc, it is rather easy to be misunderstood. And while I try to be careful in my posting and not be reactive, I do have feelings sometimes that interfere with my ability to be perfectly calm and logical with how I respond.

We could all do better I think with giving people the benefit of the doubt and not jumping too hard on posts. For instance, the example that CutieMouse gave regarding a quick post that was all she had time for on her way to work only to find that she was roundly criticized by the time she came back is/was unfortunate. These things do tend to make a person think twice about posting - re Lally and Mindfondler's comments.

But I would also reiterate that on-line is NOT the same as RL. That these are not comparable communication formats. And so we need in some ways to both work harder to communicate well and be more forgiving when we get cross-wise with each other. To accept apologies as genuine when they are offered. To try to move on and continue to be part of the conversation.

None of this is intended to be the least bit critical of anyone's posts, thoughts or perspectives. These are just my thoughts and hopefully will continue the conversation and not increase anyone's defensiveness.


cb