Insider or Outsider?

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Farawyn]

Thank you, but I was inquiring about the crazy, lust filled spanking board.

 

[removed9556]

 

[cookiecat]

It needs to be made clear the GB has a very different tone to the BDSM board. While there have been scuffles and fall outs here, this is in general a place where I think the main overtone is civility and friendships are formed.

I have made a few friends on the GB, and there are other good people but it's not somewhere where a lot deep conversation happens so much, quite a lot of 'silliness' that is not frivolous. It requires a different set of clothes, if you like. I am always me, because ...that's who I am, but I accept that, some places I need work boots, some places I need party shoes.

Oh yup, for sure. I bounce between a lot of the forums here and each one does require a shoe change!

The General Board can be fun. I usually just lurk. Years ago, I posted more and that led to meeting with someone who was considered a pretty prolific and snarky poster. At first I was afraid to post anything for fear of ridicule. But I'm glad I did, we had a really good relationship and meeting him in person was awesome.

 

[Farawyn]

That's Site News and Tech Support. Those crazy tech engineers and their web protocols! Some poor bastard has to bleach spray the servers after every reboot to prevent viral contamination.

Hahahaha!
But it's not a good hurt.

 

[cookiecat]

Thank you, but I was inquiring about the crazy, lust filled spanking board.

OMG. LOL. D'oh!!!

It's a local meet-in-person group where I live.

 

[Farawyn]

OMG. LOL. D'oh!!!

It's a local meet-in-person group where I live.

Sounds like our town's "Book Club".

 

[cookiecat]

Sounds like our town's "Book Club".

Yup! Ours is the Internet Group.

 

[BiBunny]

Every time this thread comes back, I'm reminded how it basically killed all discussion on this board for months. :|

 

[cascadiabound]

Every time this thread comes back, I'm reminded how it basically killed all discussion on this board for months. :|

I'm sure that is NOT going to happen this time.
We have all these lively topics and people around right now.
No worries, bibunny.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Every time this thread comes back, I'm reminded how it basically killed all discussion on this board for months. :|

There were some serious issues at the time, though. We don't seem to be having any now. And some people have disappeared. Wonder if those things are related?

 

[Cumference]

.....How many posts have been started with a ton of thoughtful replies and the original poster never shows up again?.....

I think this is a significant part of it.
There are far too many people who join a forum, post something (sometimes very interesting) and then just walk away never to return.

Until people have been around for a while, you don't know if they will stay.
I guess it is a reasonable to be a bit reluctant.

 

[Nezhul]

Let me say this as a relatively new member here: I didn't particularly enjoy talking on this forum. Why? Well, I'll outline two things.
1) A lot of members here are prone to jumping to conclusions very fast, and then would post something very long and detailed that you have to defend against. Other forums - people are much more careful in judging. Here? You can get "you are and idiot" post right away, if you don't cover enough bases. Where on other forums people suggest and warn, here you get accusations, demands or straight dictations about what you should or should not do. Some members act like they are so much more experienced than you are, and they know better by default, so their word can be phrased like a rule you are entitled to follow. That's silly, because I believe that there is no "knowing better" than anybody.
Mixed with jumping to conclusions and misunderstandings I already mentioned, that makes for a safe bet that someone will attack your opinion when you post something, or even attack you personally for being stupid. With no regard that someone may be smart but inexperienced. Posting here is like compiling an official document - you HAVE to think about EVERY way someone MIGHT misunderstand you. That becomes tedious.
2) Large community = a lot of trolls. And jerks in general. Especially in less specialized forums. And one troll or jerk can make for a lot of impression, and it will not matter that there are a thousand normal people for each one of them. One wrong post and the newbie feels unwelcome.

that's my two cents.

 

[cookiecat]

Every time this thread comes back, I'm reminded how it basically killed all discussion on this board for months. :|

Why is that?

Let me say this as a relatively new member here: I didn't particularly enjoy talking on this forum. Why? Well, I'll outline two things.
1) A lot of members here are prone to jumping to conclusions very fast, and then would post something very long and detailed that you have to defend against. Other forums - people are much more careful in judging. Here? You can get "you are and idiot" post right away, if you don't cover enough bases. Where on other forums people suggest and warn, here you get accusations, demands or straight dictations about what you should or should not do. Some members act like they are so much more experienced than you are, and they know better by default, so their word can be phrased like a rule you are entitled to follow. That's silly, because I believe that there is no "knowing better" than anybody.
Mixed with jumping to conclusions and misunderstandings I already mentioned, that makes for a safe bet that someone will attack your opinion when you post something, or even attack you personally for being stupid. With no regard that someone may be smart but inexperienced. Posting here is like compiling an official document - you HAVE to think about EVERY way someone MIGHT misunderstand you. That becomes tedious.
2) Large community = a lot of trolls. And jerks in general. Especially in less specialized forums. And one troll or jerk can make for a lot of impression, and it will not matter that there are a thousand normal people for each one of them. One wrong post and the newbie feels unwelcome.

that's my two cents.

This is really sad to hear. I'm glad you posted it.

I haven't been back here in a while. Lots to think about.

 

[seela]

It's the same here. As a new person in the BDSM boards, keep posting, ask question and follow up. How many posts have been started with a ton of thoughtful replies and the original poster never shows up again?

This pretty much covers what I was thinking about the other day and never posted it here.

I realize there are more people reading the posts than just the OP and the replies are helpful to others as well, but it is a little frustrating at times to write a thought out reply and realize the OP never returns.

Another thing is that longer threads often evolve and there can be many different lines of conversation going on in a single thread. So if somebody comes and posts a reply to the OP, it's possible the conversation on the topic has already moved on to a different path and that's why the answer to the OP gets leapfrogged.

I suppose I was lucky in that my first posts were in a thread started by an obsessive troll. He made sure to answer every single post, sometimes many times, so I don't have the experience of first posts being ignored as a complete newbie. I just got the replies from an obsessive troll.

 

[cookiecat]

Another thing is that longer threads often evolve and there can be many different lines of conversation going on in a single thread. So if somebody comes and posts a reply to the OP, it's possible the conversation on the topic has already moved on to a different path and that's why the answer to the OP gets leapfrogged.

This is super true. In the past, I've posted what (I thought) was a well crafted reply and it got lost amidst other conversations. Or, it wasn't as awesome as I thought

Sometimes the banter / rapport people have in any group in and of itself makes me feel like an outsider but you have to start somewhere.

 

[cascadiabound]

Let me say this as a relatively new member here: I didn't particularly enjoy talking on this forum. Why? Well, I'll outline two things.
1) A lot of members here are prone to jumping to conclusions very fast, and then would post something very long and detailed that you have to defend against. Other forums - people are much more careful in judging. Here? You can get "you are and idiot" post right away, if you don't cover enough bases. Where on other forums people suggest and warn, here you get accusations, demands or straight dictations about what you should or should not do. Some members act like they are so much more experienced than you are, and they know better by default, so their word can be phrased like a rule you are entitled to follow. That's silly, because I believe that there is no "knowing better" than anybody.
Mixed with jumping to conclusions and misunderstandings I already mentioned, that makes for a safe bet that someone will attack your opinion when you post something, or even attack you personally for being stupid. With no regard that someone may be smart but inexperienced. Posting here is like compiling an official document - you HAVE to think about EVERY way someone MIGHT misunderstand you. That becomes tedious.
2) Large community = a lot of trolls. And jerks in general. Especially in less specialized forums. And one troll or jerk can make for a lot of impression, and it will not matter that there are a thousand normal people for each one of them. One wrong post and the newbie feels unwelcome.

that's my two cents.

I can understand why you might have felt this way or experienced these things.

Without trying to defend or speak for anyone else, I would say that I have observed that in this corner of Lit there is, at any given time, a selection of articulate and opinionated Litsters here. Sometimes these opinions are offered with a rather hard edge. And sometimes misunderstandings occur.

However, I would also observe that the most earnest of posters are often making a point out of an abundance of caution and an awareness that there are many who are watching, reading and lurking who may never post here and this forum may be a significant or only source of information into understanding BDSM. Maybe some of us take this "responsibility" too seriously, but given the possible jeopardy that can attach to the activities involved in our kink, it seems wise, as Raw Humor commented on another thread very recently, to err on the side of caution.

The longer I have been here, the more aware I am that there are way more people in the "wings" than actively post. That what I write and do here... is observed.

Nezhul... do you have any constructive suggestions to make the board more welcoming to newbies? And I say this, having gotten my back up a little bit with a rather new poster on a thread (I still think of myself as rather new here actually) and while I thought I had backed off and apologized rather quickly on the open thread, the other poster ultimately deleted all of her posts rather than letting them stand - which I still feel badly about.

Finally - yes there are jerks and trolls about, but IMHO, there are not very many on the BDSM boards. And the regular posters seem to manage them rather well when they do show up.

Thank you for your 2 cents. You have given me a lot to think about.
cb

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Nezhul]

Just to clarify, I'm not saying things are all that bad. And specifically for BDSM forum, I can't say I've posted here, really. I was talking about lit in general.

And no, I don't have any suggestions. I think it's more about people, and the tone one sets spreads to the entire community. Get a few more aggressive members, and this attitude leaks into another posters, into everyone's tone in general. it's like a concert where all musicians will try to match each other. That's why you can't change anythining, really, or rather you can't change it fast and decisively. It needs to be a community effort - not through moderators, but through active members themselves. If ten people change their pace and start acting more mildly, then maybe in a year you will see a change. It will not be obvious, but it may be noticeable my comparison. Get 100 people act differently, and it will take half a year.
What I'm trying to say that emotions will fead each other. Someone makes a harsh comment, and others feel a little bit more justified in acting harshly themselves, in being more frank, bold, straightforward. The thought behind it may still be pure and good, but here, being people who like reading and writing - we all know that it all lies in execution. One and the same plot by two authors may end up exciting or boring, turn you on or off, result in a different emotional response.

Again (covering bases) I do not criticize anyone in particular right now. And I'm not trying to throw shit on the fan or something. I'm just saying what I feel like. And, frankly, I'm not your go-to man when it comes to tolerance, being polite or patient with people - I've been known to take my arguments a little bit too far when I get excited. But I can feel how I tend to act differently in a different environment. I can be very polite, measured and considerate when the community around me is such. I can be a lot more hot-headed when it's not. I eventually notice that and try to distance myself from such forums - one of the reasons I've stopped talking in General Board here.

Hope that clarifies my standing. There are a lot of great people here, a lot of good advices. But as a community, lit tends to be a little bit harsh, frank, too quick to draw guns. To be friendly and comforting it needs to drop the pace a little bit. Maybe take more time on clarifying if you didn't understand something or found something offensive. It's an international community, there are a lot of non-native English speakers here. Myself included. So it's doubly important to always be wary of possible misunderstandings.

 

[LallyH]

I'm afraid that I can see Nezhul's point

I've had posts concerning my own experiences rounded on because I hadn't specified *all* the details, including the safety aspects. To me, they were just casual remarks about my own life and I was shocked at the tone of the responses - being patronised and talked down to because I hadn't actually specified that yes, of course my husband does stay around during isolation play, rather than getting in his car and going to the match with his mates . So I don't tend to post much in that vein any more because I can't be bothered with explaining all the nuts and bolts of it, and I don't want to share that much detail.

I can understand concern being shown in case someone seen as new may be trying out new types of play without looking into all the aspects of it. But I think *how* that concern is shown is important. It's just as easy to post in a supportive and helpful tone as a condescending one, isn't it?

 

[gretchenmilliner]

Just as when it comes to finding a partner, a BDSM relationship is just like any other relationship, Lit. is just like any other internet forum: there is a lot of good advice and witty banter to be had but there are also the pedants and those who engage their typing fingers before they put their brain into gear and there are some outright rabid jerks as well. This is bound to be the case, we can all hide behind the mask of anonymity and, let's face it, at the best of times the veneer of civilisation is fairly thin.

Personally I think that, if you keep off the General and Politics boards, the people who post on Lit. are, on the whole, relatively polite and restrained. Having said that, if you post on any internet forum you can't afford the luxury of a thin skin and just have to tolerate being misunderstood.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[LallyH]

That said, some of the less friendly posts I have had, which have been very few for which I am grateful, have been interesting too. It's interesting to see how in a 'world' where difference is accepted, it's only accepted by some according to some parameters. Personally while I might not like it, I don't find it too challenging, because I recognise that they do have only part of the story, and I am comfortable with that.

There is interest in disagreement about something - debate is very healthy and we all have different ways of looking at things. One of the reasons I came here was to learn from others and discuss matters that I can't do with anyone I know in real life.

But another reason that I come is for relaxation and amusement. So its not that other posters upset me or that I'm thin-skinned, but given my limited online time, if I'm not engaged with or interested in what I'm reading, I move on, whether it's to another site or back into real life. And this is especially true if I start reading a thread and see what I regard as non-productive snark rearing its head, whether it's aimed at me directly (which is rare) or at anyone else.

So as you can imagine, I don't venture much onto the GB...

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SpunThings]

Let me say this as a relatively new member here: I didn't particularly enjoy talking on this forum. Why? Well, I'll outline two things.
1) A lot of members here are prone to jumping to conclusions very fast, and then would post something very long and detailed that you have to defend against. Other forums - people are much more careful in judging. Here? You can get "you are and idiot" post right away, if you don't cover enough bases. Where on other forums people suggest and warn, here you get accusations, demands or straight dictations about what you should or should not do. Some members act like they are so much more experienced than you are, and they know better by default, so their word can be phrased like a rule you are entitled to follow. That's silly, because I believe that there is no "knowing better" than anybody.
Mixed with jumping to conclusions and misunderstandings I already mentioned, that makes for a safe bet that someone will attack your opinion when you post something, or even attack you personally for being stupid. With no regard that someone may be smart but inexperienced. Posting here is like compiling an official document - you HAVE to think about EVERY way someone MIGHT misunderstand you. That becomes tedious.
2) Large community = a lot of trolls. And jerks in general. Especially in less specialized forums. And one troll or jerk can make for a lot of impression, and it will not matter that there are a thousand normal people for each one of them. One wrong post and the newbie feels unwelcome.

that's my two cents.

I think cascadiabound makes a really good point. The stakes can be high with the kinds of play discussed here. In addition when I post I'm replying to the OP and anyone who might be reading the topic. For people that need coddling and hand holding, perhaps they shouldn't be participating in some of the more risky play.

With that said, I've seen how easy it is to become jaded. Some people post looking for advice, and any hint that they are the ones doing something wrong, and they get really defensive. A lot of people post looking for people to say what they want to hear, not get real actionable advice.

Regarding experience, we all have different kinds of experience. You don't have to have a ton of history with BDSM relationships to have wisdom to offer. We're all pretty expert in our own experience/life.

I've been guilty of letting my jaded feelings get the better of my tone in replying. It didn't take very long either. I can understand both sides, because I've been new on plenty of discussion forums. I've also seen much less welcoming atmospheres.