Input please

[Callicious]

I would appreciate a little constructive criticism if you would take the time. My newest story is up now http://www.literotica.com/s/my-twin-sister-is-a-cheerleader It is the first chapter of a three (?) part story. How would you improve it?

I've been learning a lot since coming here, and I appreciate very much the time some of you put in to helping others of us such as myself who are trying to improve our writing. i just want to say thanks for the impact you have had on my efforts already.

jc

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[Callicious]

Thanks for your reply

I don't see where my character was whiney, but if it appeared that way to you I obviously did not write effectively. As for being insecure, yes indeed. Most people afflicted with Autism are insecure. While I did not state he was autistic the characteristics I wrote are classic of one with a mild form of the disability.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

jc

 

[elfin_odalisque]

We are lumbering elephants. Without your post about autism, I would not have understood the boy. With that it all makes sense and the relationships have great erotic tension. I think you have to lay it out more simply for the readers as they are not in your head and we need to be told the facts.

I thought the story wasn't that great when I read it cold but, with the added explanation of the guy from these posts, became very good.

The readers only know what the writer tells them (think thrillers). Not a lot of verbiage - just succinct facts and explanation that get your message across.

 

[lovecraft68]

If we had no idea the boy was "slightly autistic" that means the author did not tell us. Meaning they did not get their point across.

I thought the story wasn't bad when I just thought the boy was insecure and looking to get what he could however he could.

But....

Now that I know he is a bit mentally handicapped I won't read any further. I know there is something for everyone, but I find nothing erotic about mentally ill people. Its "realism" I find nothing sexy in.

Sorry, just my take on it.

On a plus note its a creative way to explain yet another 18/18+ year old virgin in the first time category.

I have a little bit of a soft spot for well done first time stories, but its also the category where list 18+ rule really hurts.

 

[Callicious]

Autism in mild form does not necessitate mental illness. Quite often it shows itself in a child or an adult as being less than social, with severe shyness being one of the more common symptoms. There is no lack of mental acuity, in fact, most autistic people actually have rather high IQ. Most of the time those with autism at this level are never diagnosed, and with age, or a strong shock, such as Jimmy's will overcome it and become fully functional.

Jimmy, in my story is based on two brothers that I knew from the time they were babies. In class, when asked for an answer, they both would just turn red and be totally unable to respond to the question. Both, however did exceptionally well in school as long as it was something they could write, and both scored in the 30's on their ACT's (36 is perfect) and are accomplished in music, one as a violinist, and the other on the cello. If you are in to classical music you may have heard the cellist's name, or you will soon.

Both young men are now married, and neither is much of a conversationalist, but neither would be be considered abnormal, One of them it was the girl who asked for a date.

I purposely did not mention the word Autism in the story, because most people have a conception of one who is autistic that is not accurate. In severe cases autism can show itself in anti-social or rather abnormal behavior, but in milder cases that is not the norm.

I try to make my characters "real" because to me, while I suspend disbelief to enjoy a story, if the characters are not "real" people to me there is a limit how far I can go to suspend disbelief.

Thank you all for your input. I am learning from you, and will apply what I am learning as I go along.

all the best,
jc

 

[8letters]

My twin sister is a cheerleader. "So what?" you say? It's simple. My mother is one of the "Cheer Mothers," and as such hosted a "Cheerleaders Dinner" at our house tonight. Should be every red-blooded guy's dream, right? What could be wrong with twenty young, nubile, cute, talkative girls in the house? What could be wrong with that? Nothing. Nothing at all, unless you are like me and are so shy you cannot speak to someone outside your own family. I don't even talk much with my own family.

If you want us to believe that your main character is autistic, you failed in your first paragraph. An autistic person (really anyone) assumes that they are normal and that their preferences are normal. So an autistic guy could dread having his house full of twenty girls, but he wouldn't think that there is something abnormal or wrong with him for dreading that.

Let me try a re-write:

I have been dreading the cheerleader party at our house since Mom told me she was going to host it. My twin sister is a cheerleader and I like most of her cheerleader friends, though I am so shy that I can barely say a word to them. I struggle to say more than a few words to anyone, even my own family. When I am with more than one of her cheerleader friends, I feel so awkward that it is painful for me. Twenty at once is far more than I can handle. Just the noise of their talking hurts my ears. I told Mom that I would help all I could with the preparations and clean up, but would stay far, far away from the actual party.

Your description of the girls - "young, nubile, cute, talkative" - I found odd and off-putting. Young? They are the same age as the main character. Nubile? What the hell does that mean? I know what it technically means, but to me in this context it comes across as a demeaning way of saying the girls are attractive. Cute? Isn't that redundant with "cheerleader"? Talkative? Not all cheerleaders are talkative. Lumping twenty women as all the same comes across as demeaning. Saying it over and over again makes it much worse.

Once the action gets going, it doesn't make any sense. The mom has an emergency and calls Jason out of the basement. When he reaches the top of the stairs, the mom isn't there to guide him to the emergency? Instead, he just stands there while some obnoxious cheerleader talks to him? I think a more believable way to have done it would be to have Sally and Jessica slip down to the man cave. They tease Jason until his sister notices that they are gone, comes down the stairs and chews them out for harassing her brother. During that teasing scene, I would give Jason some spine, some self-respect.

If you want me to keep reading, you have to have a sympathetic character. The lead male character comes across as a sex-obsessed, misogynic wimp.

 

[hylas_]

I have to say, the main character gave me an off-putting, misogynistic vibe as well. And yeah, "nubile" is a word that will make anybody sound creepy if it's not used carefully.

 

[Bramblethorn]

If you want us to believe that your main character is autistic, you failed in your first paragraph. An autistic person (really anyone) assumes that they are normal and that their preferences are normal. So an autistic guy could dread having his house full of twenty girls, but he wouldn't think that there is something abnormal or wrong with him for dreading that.

That's a very sweeping generalisation. IME, most high-functioning autistic adults have learned that they are not normal and that most people think differently.

 

[joelafayette]

.....

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

So theyre all different, eh?

I suspect plenty of meatheats have no clue what theyre diagnosing.

Anytime theyre all different with identical diagnoses what you got is developmental delays NOT autism. Theyre immature in their own special ways.