Infinity Cube - Feedback Request

[CulticTerror]

Elizabeth's PhD project is altered by cosmic beings and can now alter reality at the whims of whoever wields it (with some caveats). The story is pretty wacky, and at least for the currently published first half; moves forward mostly due to a snowballing effect of unintended consequences, desperation, and a bit of 'hinted' compulsion from the device itself.

Of course, this is my first publicly available story and even my first erotica. I am fully aware of quite a few hiccups here and there plot/pacing/grammar wise (I've already contacted an editor); still, what I'd really like is feedback on the story and overall idea; do you like it? Is it interesting? Not enough smut? What is the biggest hook for you? etc. etc.

Infinity Cube (Series)

Any and all thoughts, comments, critiques', ideas, etc are welcome and encouraged.

Sincerely,
Cultic Terror

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. I read through all the chapters in one sitting which definitely says something about the success of the story. It's definitely rough in places and does feel like a first work, but, as you say, the idea is wacky enough to sustain interest even over some of the bigger issues. Here are some thoughts:

1) Skipping to the end - well, the issue is I'm not sure if it is supposed to be the end - I felt like that chapter was building to a conclusion, with the girls besting the reality police and altering the world to their whims, but the way the last few sentences are written suddenly made me feel like more was to come - there certainly could be more but in a way that feels like it should be a sequel rather than the same story. That said, either approach would be fine, but I just felt suddenly up in the air at the end of the final (currently written) chapter just when I was enjoying what I'd assumed was a finale.

2) You're doing lots of PoV shifts. This is kind of necessitated by the story given that only the 'operator' is aware of how reality is shifting, but you're often swapping at a speed that is usually considered too fast - readers need time to get settled in a perspective. This also leads to...

3) I think you need to slow down. You're racing through plot points for what is a convoluted plot - I didn't do a full word count for the story, but as most submissions are only one or two pages you're probably somewhere around 25-30k words. The issue I had is that you never fully slow down to explore the erotic possibilities of what is happening. You don't really write full sex scenes which is a pity because you could go to town on the whole 'I've always been a lesbian/This is my first time' or 'I really want to fuck him/I don't even like him' contradictions. Chapters are short and you warp reality so often that the reader hasn't had time to settle and enjoy one change before another one takes place. I suspect you could have gotten a whole novel sized story out of the basic premise.

4) There are parts that come across as juvenile - that is kind of explained by the first chapter - an actual juvenille (or as close as Lit will allow) gives Elizabeth/Alice her big tit fetish and this propagates to the other characters - so, in a way, the whole changing reality so women are just as obsessed with tits as men in a very simplistic way can be seen as just simple fun. You mention anime a lot in the story, and I was often reminded of the often bizarre size-fascination certain Japanese anime/video game characters have with boobs. I had bigger problems with the whole raceplay thing in the middle - people do write that kind of thing, and you were pretty clear that it was a form of roleplay, but it just felt unnecessary in a story which had enough erotic potential going on elsewhere - generally, I'd say you want to avoid hitting something that's going to be a squick for a lot of your audience that have been promised something else upto this point.

5) If the story is indeed over, some of the ends don't quite meet. For example, Elizabeth's fiance is entirely forgotten - which may be the end point of the story, rather than a happy ever after return to the status quo - but even if Elizabeth has forgotten him, the reader hasn't - we need some kind of closure on him. Similarly Ryan disappears. I presumed that his cube-invulnerability was going to be an important plot point, but it just isn't and he doesn't reoccur (yet).

 

[CulticTerror]

Congratulations on your first story. I read through all the chapters in one sitting which definitely says something about the success of the story. It's definitely rough in places and does feel like a first work, but, as you say, the idea is wacky enough to sustain interest even over some of the bigger issues. Here are some thoughts:

1) Skipping to the end - well, the issue is I'm not sure if it is supposed to be the end - I felt like that chapter was building to a conclusion, with the girls besting the reality police and altering the world to their whims, but the way the last few sentences are written suddenly made me feel like more was to come - there certainly could be more but in a way that feels like it should be a sequel rather than the same story. That said, either approach would be fine, but I just felt suddenly up in the air at the end of the final (currently written) chapter just when I was enjoying what I'd assumed was a finale.

2) You're doing lots of PoV shifts. This is kind of necessitated by the story given that only the 'operator' is aware of how reality is shifting, but you're often swapping at a speed that is usually considered too fast - readers need time to get settled in a perspective. This also leads to...

3) I think you need to slow down. You're racing through plot points for what is a convoluted plot - I didn't do a full word count for the story, but as most submissions are only one or two pages you're probably somewhere around 25-30k words. The issue I had is that you never fully slow down to explore the erotic possibilities of what is happening. You don't really write full sex scenes which is a pity because you could go to town on the whole 'I've always been a lesbian/This is my first time' or 'I really want to fuck him/I don't even like him' contradictions. Chapters are short and you warp reality so often that the reader hasn't had time to settle and enjoy one change before another one takes place. I suspect you could have gotten a whole novel sized story out of the basic premise.

4) There are parts that come across as juvenile - that is kind of explained by the first chapter - an actual juvenille (or as close as Lit will allow) gives Elizabeth/Alice her big tit fetish and this propagates to the other characters - so, in a way, the whole changing reality so women are just as obsessed with tits as men in a very simplistic way can be seen as just simple fun. You mention anime a lot in the story, and I was often reminded of the often bizarre size-fascination certain Japanese anime/video game characters have with boobs. I had bigger problems with the whole raceplay thing in the middle - people do write that kind of thing, and you were pretty clear that it was a form of roleplay, but it just felt unnecessary in a story which had enough erotic potential going on elsewhere - generally, I'd say you want to avoid hitting something that's going to be a squick for a lot of your audience that have been promised something else upto this point.

5) If the story is indeed over, some of the ends don't quite meet. For example, Elizabeth's fiance is entirely forgotten - which may be the end point of the story, rather than a happy ever after return to the status quo - but even if Elizabeth has forgotten him, the reader hasn't - we need some kind of closure on him. Similarly Ryan disappears. I presumed that his cube-invulnerability was going to be an important plot point, but it just isn't and he doesn't reoccur (yet).

First off.. Wow.

Thank you so much for writing such an expansive commentary. It really does mean a lot to me, and the feedback is honestly exactly what I needed to hear.

Moving on-

1) Yes, the story is most certainly continuing, though I will say that you're right in that chapters 11.2 - 12 (which is coming up soon), are essentially what I would consider the end of the first half of the story. With chapter 13 + leading the 2nd half- whether I make that a distinction in the titling or not is yet to be decided.

2) Ah yeah, the POV shifts can certainly be a bit much, especially with more characters coming into the fold, and I'll be sure to keep that in mind going forward.

3) I completely agree. I'm not a smut writer by experience (yet) as a lot of my writing background comes from world-building, character writing, and narratives with primarily SFW theming. Fantasy romance of vampires and witches, ancient gods released from their imprisonment to prevent a demonic uprising, artificially created mech pilots fighting kaiju on an alien planet, a poor flower shop owner and the rich woman who falls in love with her, etc.

So as far as smut goes? My practice is limited, but that said I am learning more as I go along. I plan to have chapter 14+ really hone in on those elements and take their time with it. As well as a few ideas to draw out those scenes.

4) I do agree, honestly the whole huge tits thing was more of less an accidental but no less pivotal turning point. Ryan is supposed to be rather... Moronic for lack of better words. Juvenile is probably a better fit for how he ended up, and that instigating influence has since become a driving plot point. Especially since I needed to give Alice a reason to actually use the cube rather than just be realistically responsible. @Bamagan 's A Different Kind of Sex Toy does this much better by having the initial influence being a drive to use that story's equivalent device. Something I hope to solve in chapter 14 via a slightly different approach.

And yeah the raceplay bit is a bit of a sudden left turn, and I've since stayed away from similar highly taboo elements, as I'm still debating if the situation of Mei's mother visiting will yield incest or not. Really depends on what my overall audience wants to happen there as I could easily just take it or leave it.

Also, I will confirm that I do have a tendency to take inspiration from anime in my works though usually in action scenes, but I will try to keep things somewhat more digestible for a wide audience while also making sure to not let that take away from my individualism and personal choice as the author of my own story.

5) Chapter 13 specifically is where I've decided to address a lot of things left open ended by chapter 12 - such as:

What is going on with Alice (Elizabeth) and Mei Lin as a couple and as individuals?

What does a a breast size hierarchy look like in everyday life?

Do 5 layers of past memories make a substantial impact on a person? (Mei Lin)

What about Winston and all the other people they may have known in their pasts?

and as for Ryan? Well, I'd always planned for him to be a chekhov's gun if sorts since the very beginning and while I haven't decided to play that hand as of yet; he will most certainly return in due time.

I do hope for the next few chapters to be the middle of the story, and for an ending to follow the falling action after the climax, at a decent pace which may depend on how it goes up till then.

Anyway, thanks again and you've given me a lot to think about. I hope to keep improving for myself and my readers, especially as I start writing other (shorter) stories.

 

[FelHarper]

The idea explored here was interesting. It made me think of Everything, Everywhere All at Once with its treatment of multiple worlds/timelines. The execution, I found wanting in a few ways. The extra-dimensional-beings-mucking-with-the-protagonist’s-device plot line seems a bit tacked-on. I understand that it was done to give an in-world justification for Elizabeth’s device doing things she doesn’t expect, but it gives it all an air of arbitrariness. You could have just as easily used a genie, an ancient god, a quantum computer AI or whatever, and it would have been just as relevant to the story. I might be wrong and there’s a crucial plot point that hinges on the void beings, but in that case, I think it would be more interesting to leave it a mystery at this point in the plot.

Like TheRedChamber, I thought that the erotic elements were under-developed. If, as you indicate, you lack experience and/or confidence in this area, I recommend to read more stories on the site to get a feel for how to stage an effective sex scene. Stick to highly-rated entries and try to recognize and avoid the cliches you are sure to run into. You can get away with being less explicit if you delve into the lovers’ emotions instead.

I would further play up the cognitive dissonance of having multiple sets of memories. I see a chance to delve into questions of free will and the nature of consciousness, though that might be more cerebral than you would prefer.

Speaking of cerebral, I would suggest that you raise Elizabeth/Alice’s IQ a bit. A 120 IQ is about one-and-a-half standard deviations above the mean, or about 5% of the population. Your average physics undergrad has an IQ in excess of 130, two full standard deviations above the mean. I would push that to at least 150, considering she is basically inventing new physics. You need an Einstein-level intellect to do that. People with IQs in the 170+ range exist and even a modest-sized city will have several such people living there.

 

[CulticTerror]

The idea explored here was interesting. It made me think of Everything, Everywhere All at Once with its treatment of multiple worlds/timelines. The execution, I found wanting in a few ways. The extra-dimensional-beings-mucking-with-the-protagonist’s-device plot line seems a bit tacked-on. I understand that it was done to give an in-world justification for Elizabeth’s device doing things she doesn’t expect, but it gives it all an air of arbitrariness. You could have just as easily used a genie, an ancient god, a quantum computer AI or whatever, and it would have been just as relevant to the story. I might be wrong and there’s a crucial plot point that hinges on the void beings, but in that case, I think it would be more interesting to leave it a mystery at this point in the plot.

Like TheRedChamber, I thought that the erotic elements were under-developed. If, as you indicate, you lack experience and/or confidence in this area, I recommend to read more stories on the site to get a feel for how to stage an effective sex scene. Stick to highly-rated entries and try to recognize and avoid the cliches you are sure to run into. You can get away with being less explicit if you delve into the lovers’ emotions instead.

I would further play up the cognitive dissonance of having multiple sets of memories. I see a chance to delve into questions of free will and the nature of consciousness, though that might be more cerebral than you would prefer.

Speaking of cerebral, I would suggest that you raise Elizabeth/Alice’s IQ a bit. A 120 IQ is about one-and-a-half standard deviations above the mean, or about 5% of the population. Your average physics undergrad has an IQ in excess of 130, two full standard deviations above the mean. I would push that to at least 150, considering she is basically inventing new physics. You need an Einstein-level intellect to do that. People with IQs in the 170+ range exist and even a modest-sized city will have several such people living there.

I agree that the Void stuff is a bit overhanded in the few cold opens. There is a point and there are plans for it, but I'll probably keep it on the down low until after next arc. - It will be given a bit more explanation in my next story "Prey to the Void"

I've been focusing on how scenes are written in other stories I read to study. I'm researching in other ways too, hopefully chapter 14+ will have something to show for it.

The cognitive dissonance does have more consideration in chapter 13. Mei Lin is at 5 total timelines already while Alice is (after chapter 11.2) is only at 2. It's also a situation where things that are the same or similar enough will layer onto each other, and things that are super important or emotional may also be more prominent. Mixing personality traits and past memories, friendships/relationships, etc can certainly be a bit hard to adjust to.

As far as Alice's intelligence goes, it hadn't been clearly started since the earlier chapters, but she's a lot smarter now given her higher early education, more money and resources, etc, so probably I'd say 180 by now due to a series of different factors, but I'll make sure to state it more clearly in ch@ 13