Incompatible Libidos

[Erodicus]

Interested to hear from anyone like me who has a high sex drive and who is in an otherwise happy relationship with a partner who has such a low libido that sex is rare or non-existent.

How do you compensate for your need for sexual relief? Masturbation? Porn? An affair? Casual sex? Sex worker? A friend with benefits? Wank buddies? Online chat/phone sex?

Does your partner know about the alternatives you use? Do they tolerate you using them or even encourage you to?

 

[kdb]

Interested to hear from anyone like me who has a high sex drive and who is in an otherwise happy relationship with a partner who has such a low libido that sex is rare or non-existent.

How do you compensate for your need for sexual relief? Masturbation? Porn? An affair? Casual sex? Sex worker? A friend with benefits? Wank buddies? Online chat/phone sex?

Does your partner know about the alternatives you use? Do they tolerate you using them or even encourage you to?

Lots of masturbation, Skype chatting, PMing here.
Spouse might sense masturbation but would never discuss. No idea of other stuff

 

[MissCautious]

It's a very hard situation eh especially when as you say all else is really well in the relationship.
For me, my vibrator and I are closely acquainted and I'll also sometimes watch porn at the same time

 

[joyride3441]

My 7 year relationship just ended and that was one of the factors. Kinda grew apart b/c of it

 

[StrongMaster7]

What follows is just my opinion.

Ah, the eternal question. I call it "libido mismatch". It all kind of stems from the way the relationship started. Most start from a physical attraction. That attraction is acted upon through acceptable social channels. A relationship forms with its rules, spoken and unspoken, and grows shaped by circumstances most of which are beyond our control. At some point the relationship reaches a critical mass and it must dissolve (or explode) or solidify. Once it solidifies, if it does, many of the rules are set and will only change slowly, if at all. And from then on, it is only major life events (birth, death, illness) that can effect significant change.

This is the typical pattern. There are exceptions to this. There are a few folks out there who purposefully construct their relationships and willfully create the rules. I think that there is an unusually high concentration of such folks here on the Lit boards. Bless them all.

But for the vast majority, like me, we saw that person across the room and wanted to get to know them, to get close to them, to have sex with them. And in order to do this, we had to play the dating game, act in socially acceptable ways, be "our best selves". We never really told them the gritty truths about our desires for them and for others. And we did get to know them, grow close to them, and have sex with them. And we wanted to keep doing so. At some point it seemed logical to make the arrangement more permanent. And so we did. And we never had the discussion we should have had with them for fear we would scare them off.

And so if we are lucky we have our regular sex on some regular frequency. We can discuss and change our financial budgets, hair styles, jobs, etc. But it is a rare couple that can suddenly, non-destructively change the sex they have.

And so we, the more libidinous partners, read stories and chat on Lit, watch porn on any number of sites, and masturbate. Our less libidinous partners generally, don't know and don't want to know. They are happy to ignore a drive they don't share as long as it doesn't impact them.

I sometimes dream of an "exchange", a midnight marketplace where the unsatisfied male partners could meet unsatisfied female partners and satisfy themselves and each other. But that's just a dream. Most of us are honest and don't want to lie and cheat. Some of us are afraid to get caught. And others live dangerously.

All of the above is my opinion. I am not a therapist and my opinions are based on my experiences and prejudices. Caveat emptor.

 

[OpenMouth]

My lady has lost her mojo, largely due to stress but the menopause is a factor too.

I don't want to be unfaithful so usually masturbation and pvt crossdressing is enough. I have indulged in a bit of cocksucking, though, which is very exciting.

 

[tw63]

I deal with it through litabation (Literotica & masterbation).

 

[Erodicus]

Litibation

I deal with it through litabation (Literotica & masterbation).

Nice one! It works for me too.

 

[PrymeNumeric]

Each must resolve this in their own way, according to their own erotic authenticity and identity. But it must be resolved. For myself, I tried many avenues and eventually, chose divorce. Never been happier!

 

[Erodicus]

What follows is just my opinion.

Ah, the eternal question. I call it "libido mismatch". It all kind of stems from the way the relationship started. Most start from a physical attraction. That attraction is acted upon through acceptable social channels. A relationship forms with its rules, spoken and unspoken, and grows shaped by circumstances most of which are beyond our control. At some point the relationship reaches a critical mass and it must dissolve (or explode) or solidify. Once it solidifies, if it does, many of the rules are set and will only change slowly, if at all. And from then on, it is only major life events (birth, death, illness) that can effect significant change.

This is the typical pattern. There are exceptions to this. There are a few folks out there who purposefully construct their relationships and willfully create the rules. I think that there is an unusually high concentration of such folks here on the Lit boards. Bless them all.

But for the vast majority, like me, we saw that person across the room and wanted to get to know them, to get close to them, to have sex with them. And in order to do this, we had to play the dating game, act in socially acceptable ways, be "our best selves". We never really told them the gritty truths about our desires for them and for others. And we did get to know them, grow close to them, and have sex with them. And we wanted to keep doing so. At some point it seemed logical to make the arrangement more permanent. And so we did. And we never had the discussion we should have had with them for fear we would scare them off.

And so if we are lucky we have our regular sex on some regular frequency. We can discuss and change our financial budgets, hair styles, jobs, etc. But it is a rare couple that can suddenly, non-destructively change the sex they have.

And so we, the more libidinous partners, read stories and chat on Lit, watch porn on any number of sites, and masturbate. Our less libidinous partners generally, don't know and don't want to know. They are happy to ignore a drive they don't share as long as it doesn't impact them.

I sometimes dream of an "exchange", a midnight marketplace where the unsatisfied male partners could meet unsatisfied female partners and satisfy themselves and each other. But that's just a dream. Most of us are honest and don't want to lie and cheat. Some of us are afraid to get caught. And others live dangerously.

All of the above is my opinion. I am not a therapist and my opinions are based on my experiences and prejudices. Caveat emptor.

Thanks for your detailed and thoughtful reply. It's a conundrum when your partner's medical condition is the primary reason for their loss of libido. To me, to break up over something like that seems like a breach of the marriage contract. So finding a satisfactory way to cater for one's strong sexual urges seems necessary to preserve the marriage. It would be much less of a problem with a partner who was comfortable with suggestions like yours of a 'midnight marketplace,' although that could have inherent problems too.