In love with kink but spouse is not

[vicdamize]

Thank you to those who took the time to reply... To answer a few questions a few people posted, here they are...

Why does she hate what I love? I dont think she hates kink or fetish, she doesnt like violence. And neither Do I. I like the mystery and the power my lover either has to endure or weild.
Top or bottom I love fetish, I like being in control as well as being controlled but its just damm depressing when your partner wont use the imagination god gave them.

I enjoyed reading back through some of the old posts in the archives...they are informative to my plight.

Have I talked to her? Told her about my needs not wants but needs. A real relationship is not Me me me but motivated by integrity and prinsiples and Ideals. I know this, I lived by these rules all my life. But isnt it OK to want something for yourself just once in your life???

Im not looking to fix this over night but I have made sugestions to her that might help remidy this problem we have. Like how about allowing me to enter a extramarital relationship, kink only where I can explore bondage and fetish scenarios with someone who likes what I like and include her or leave her out whatever she wishes. NOT... Im just plain stuck without.

It may seem selfish to ask such a thing of your spouse but to me it seems foolish to not ask or at least tell your partner where your head is at.

Did she know about this fetish desire of mine before we married or did it develope after we married?
I used to fantisize about being raped when I was little, I tied my first girlfriend up when I was 15 and she enjoyed that very much.
But did she know? Did my wife know? I dont think we ever talked about it till we were married for some time. But the way I approched it with her made it not such a shock.

Why spend all that money on gear?
I have such a drive for my passion that I make most of my more expensive bondage equipment like swings,restraints and such.
Dildos plugs and that...yea I spent some cash. Why?
I DONT KNOW...I love what I love
I just wish she was with me on the same page.

If I had my way, I would build a dungeon and I probably will, but the room would probably almost never get used unless we hosted a play party for close friends or the like.
Well I dont know what any of you think of all this...
except that you are most likely glad your not in my shoes.
But If you can identify with me and my situation, or have one much like mine...Drop me a line I would like to share more thoughts on this with you. It kinda does help to read and hear what others have done or hear what they would do.

 

[AvaAdore]

why dont you be a little sneaky and try things like holding her hands down while having sex or something of the like? you'd probably be able to tell straight away if she likes it or not, so you can just stop if she's not having a good time. who knows, she just might like it.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Time to call a good divorce lawyer...and you should frankly give your spouse everything, because you are the one abandoning the relationship.

 

[spankableBelle]

Time to call a good divorce lawyer...and you should frankly give your spouse everything, because you are the one abandoning the relationship.

Oh good Lord! Did you actually read his post or just read the title and make an assumption?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Oh good Lord! Did you actually read his post or just read the title and make an assumption?

Oh good Lord who? You should be more specific...

 

[spankableBelle]

Oh good Lord who? You should be more specific...

i suppose i should have been, but i wasn't...

But since you actually deigned to respond...let me ask just one thing...a person that wishes to pursue a passion, whatever it may be, is abandoning the relationship when their spouse is not interested in pursuing the same passion? Is that what your feeling is...? In this person's case it's kink...in someone else's case it may be music, or writing, or dance, or travel or sports or...well, anything. Are spouses that pursue any of that without their partner abandoning the relationship?

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

i suppose i should have been, but i wasn't...

But since you actually deigned to respond...let me ask just one thing...a person that wishes to pursue a passion, whatever it may be, is abandoning the relationship when their spouse is not interested in pursuing the same passion? Is that what your feeling is...? In this person's case it's kink...in someone else's case it may be music, or writing, or dance, or travel or sports or...well, anything. Are spouses that pursue any of that without their partner abandoning the relationship?

Unless it is an open relationship, yeah...if those pursuits cause a loss of the foundations of marriage, which generally include fidelity, emotional and physical proximity, and a passion for the spouse. If your husband or wife is a distant second to your genitalia, I personally think the relationship is over. There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship, which I think is the sticking point for alot of people.
Like I said, unless it is an open marriage, I think divorce sooner is better than cheating and divorce later, or years of a 'marriage in name only.'

 

[catalina_francisco]

Like I said, unless it is an open marriage, I think divorce sooner is better than cheating and divorce later, or years of a 'marriage in name only.'

Which sort of raises the question, 'What Is Marriage?', and whether the same intentions and values remain when problems arise as the moment when people say 'I do'. Is not being judgemental, though I am sure many are going to want to paint it that colour, but is intended as a legitimate question which may help many in this situation to define what their options are instead of choosing a path which may throw everyone's life away.

Catalina

 

[spankableBelle]

Unless it is an open relationship, yeah...if those pursuits cause a loss of the foundations of marriage, which generally include fidelity, emotional and physical proximity, and a passion for the spouse. If your husband or wife is a distant second to your genitalia, I personally think the relationship is over. There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship, which I think is the sticking point for alot of people.
Like I said, unless it is an open marriage, I think divorce sooner is better than cheating and divorce later, or years of a 'marriage in name only.'

But, genetalia is not always involved in pursuing a passion...take out the fidelity issue...any of the other things i mentioned are passions for people...taking them away from their family, taking emotional support away, taking precious time away from one another...in your opinion, is divorce better in those terms as well?

 

[catalina_francisco]

But, genetalia is not always involved in pursuing a passion...take out the fidelity issue...any of the other things i mentioned are passions for people...taking them away from their family, taking emotional support away, taking precious time away from one another...in your opinion, is divorce better in those terms as well?

For me if the connection is broken so that only a shell remains, divorce probably is the best option once all avenues of addressing the issue are exhausted to no avail. It is great to say you would be supportive of your spouse if they were a world ranking rock artist on tour 40 weeks out of the year, but what is the point of that if they are no longer a physial, emotional, or spiritual part of the marriage? I am not into martyrdom so it would not appeal to play the stoic spouse at home keeping the homefires burning while waiting for whatever crumbs were left over, when I could be leading just as good a life indulging my own passions if given the freedom to do so. Comes back to my question I think people need to address honestly and realistically as to what marriage is to them apart from a legal document saying you have a legal connection to another...does not keep you warm at nights, or help deal with the everyday problems of life.

Catalina

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

But, genetalia is not always involved in pursuing a passion...take out the fidelity issue...any of the other things i mentioned are passions for people...taking them away from their family, taking emotional support away, taking precious time away from one another...in your opinion, is divorce better in those terms as well?

Yep. DIdn't I say that in my last post? You have a responsibility to your spouse, and you aren't allowed to shirk that obligation. If something becomes more important than your marriage vows, then you should make a clean break.

And why would we take infidelity out of the equation? Unless I misread the initial post(possible, some parts seemed a bit disjointed), then infidelity is certainly part of this picture.

 

[catalina_francisco]

But, genetalia is not always involved in pursuing a passion...take out the fidelity issue...any of the other things i mentioned are passions for people...taking them away from their family, taking emotional support away, taking precious time away from one another...in your opinion, is divorce better in those terms as well?

I should also have added that like my view of BDSM and the lifestyle, marriage also consists of far more than the genital gratification of desire. That is a legitimate part, but not the whole equation, so other significant withdrawals are also just as relevant as grounds for ending a marriage.


C

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

And, again, I don't think divorce is the worst thing in the world...in fact, sometimes it is positive. You are not only freeing yourself to explore the places your winkie takes you, but you free your spouse to pursue whatever happiness they can find, hopefully with someone more compatable as well.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

Something else...he LOVES kink, he is IN LOVE with kink, he has a DRIVE for his PASSION...notice there is no expression of love for the spouse.

vicdamize, it is ok to want to get what you want...but you have to realize that sometimes you can't have everything and still maintain your eithics and dignity.

 

[spankableBelle]

Yep. DIdn't I say that in my last post? You have a responsibility to your spouse, and you aren't allowed to shirk that obligation. If something becomes more important than your marriage vows, then you should make a clean break.

And why would we take infidelity out of the equation? Unless I misread the initial post(possible, some parts seemed a bit disjointed), then infidelity is certainly part of this picture.

i was just clarifying some things...thank you ~smiles~

 

[spankableBelle]

I should also have added that like my view of BDSM and the lifestyle, marriage also consists of far more than the genital gratification of desire. That is a legitimate part, but not the whole equation, so other significant withdrawals are also just as relevant as grounds for ending a marriage.


C

Gee, then my husband left me before we got married...oh well...we live and learn...i don't feel so bad now, though when it's put in those terms. He hasn't been led by his dick, but by his heart and love for something other than me. Hmmm...interesting...maybe there is something to this 'widow' thing, be it sports or music or work or anything else.

Vic...try to pursue your passion with your spouse...do whatever it takes to get her involved. If it doesn't take, well, you'll have some choices to make, some decisions facing you. There's nothing wrong with having a passion for something, having something that makes you feel alive and gives you purpose, meaning. You have to do what is right for you and your situation. ~smiles~ i wish you the best for it is a hard road to travel alone...

belle

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

i was just clarifying some things...thank you ~smiles~

No problem...to further clarify, I could bring up a peripheral but similar issue in relationships, which is pornography. Some people think porn is cheating, some find it a welcome addition for both spouses, and every view in between. I like porn, but I'm not married to it(in the figurative and literal sense). If I was married, and my wife was 100% against it, I would have little problem giving it up(not that I would ever marry someone like that...) If my hypothetical wife expected me to give up playing guitar, I would probably have to get a divorce, though, because I am 'married' to my music.

 

[spankableBelle]

No problem...to further clarify, I could bring up a peripheral but similar issue in relationships, which is pornography. Some people think porn is cheating, some find it a welcome addition for both spouses, and every view in between. I like porn, but I'm not married to it(in the figurative and literal sense). If I was married, and my wife was 100% against it, I would have little problem giving it up(not that I would ever marry someone like that...) If my hypothetical wife expected me to give up playing guitar, I would probably have to get a divorce, though, because I am 'married' to my music.

~smiles~

then i should have divorced long ago...for i did give up my music so that he could continue doing as he wanted to do...hindsight is terribly clarifying...lol

passion doesn't always take the form of libido driven pursuit...and Vic here isn't necessarily wanting to puruse infidelity...he's like his wife to pursue this with him...at least that's what i got out of reading his post...

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

~smiles~

then i should have divorced long ago...for i did give up my music so that he could continue doing as he wanted to do...hindsight is terribly clarifying...lol

passion doesn't always take the form of libido driven pursuit...and Vic here isn't necessarily wanting to puruse infidelity...he's like his wife to pursue this with him...at least that's what i got out of reading his post...

I got that too, but I also got the feeling that he has exhausted all the possible ways to include his wife, with no success. Unless someone here can pull a miracle out of a hat, I think he's screwed.

 

[Pure]

About the 'vicdamized' one's plight.

I don't usually agree with Mayberry, nor appreciate his attitudes, nor his basis in living single, for advising the married. But in the present case, I find some agreement with his advice, part 1.

//Time to call a good divorce lawyer...and you should frankly give your spouse everything, because you are the one abandoning the relationship.//

It sounds like time to leave. There I agree.

Part 2: "give her everything": Johnny may be unaware of 'no fault' divorce and the fact that 'adultery' is not necessarily a factor in a financial settlement in divorce.

While it's true sometimes one partner does 'abandon' the relationship, judges have also heard the 'other side', what led to the abandonment. For example, that the woman who 'abandoned' the spouse, was beaten a lot. Hence judges around here, and outside the Bible Belt don't even try to judge 'fault', as far as deciding on a fair settlement.

Johnny, however, made a correct inference in another posting:

//Unless I misread the initial post(possible, some parts seemed a bit disjointed), then infidelity is certainly part of this picture.//

Well a simple search shows Vic advertising in two forums at literotica for a female or couple, the latter allegedly to help persuade V's reluctant wife.

In short, Vic seems, based on the limited amount we know, if not the 'victimizer' or at least quite self centered. That's hardly a rare or vicious sin, but it suggests, as Mayberry and Catalina said, that it's time to leave the alleged partnership-- for which V, at present, does not seem suited.

Lacking that, V's wife would do well, imo, to seek divorce, assuming that there are not facts [pointing to other solutions] of which we are all unaware.

Spankable, I admire your speaking out for compassion, and trying to deal with some extreme statements. I confess, I don't feel much IN THIS CASE, esp. given the advertising and inferring that it's rampant elsewhere (and inferring that encounters have already occurred.) Despite his efforts, I don't see "Vicdamized" as a victim.

J.

NOTE: There are many threads on this topic, but the one going now is worth checking about, 'anyone into bdsm whose spouse is not?"

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=200608

 

[Netzach]

Porn, SM, and art are all non-negotiables for me.