I'm At My Wits End In A Corny Scenario!

[Mac98]

Yup. It's been almost 4 months so far that I haven't seen any of my friends from back home (for those who don't know, and you're the majority, I've left my hometown for college in mid August) and so far, not much had changed for me. Yes, I've made new friends, met new people and am doing fairly well in my studies, but there's still that constant, irritating nagging at the back of my mind and I fear I'm slowly turning mentally insane.

Quick recap: I've had a crush on - that's actually putting it lightly, more like I've been in love with - one of my friends whom I've known for the past 5 years. I've never told her about it, always just enjoyed her company and battled hard to keep it at that. A little more than over a year ago, my nightmare came true when she started dating my best friend. Needless to say, I was tossed aside quickly and my friendship with both of them ended shortly (though not on a sour note). However, I'm afraid this heavy burden has started taking its toll on me. I thought that maybe staying away from her and not hearing any news would help me get her out of my head... though that hasn't happened. I still think of her day in and day out (though not in some sick, demented way, don't get me wrong). Perhaps it's because I've known her for so long, but I just can't stop thinking of her and my feelings for her are no less strong than they were 6 months ago.

Lately, I've been thinking of spilling the beans... not to her, but to her boyfriend, or my old bestfriend. I know he wouldn't react violently or in a negative fashion. I know he'd be taken aback, but I feel I have to tell someone. I've tried everything. I've written a letter to her and never sent it out, I've spoken to one of my friends here on campus... I've done all but tell anyone back home... I don't know if coming forward would settle anything for me, but I'm at my wits end on this one. I've written about it before and everyone seemed to be unanimous: Keep you dumb 'ol mouth shut!

So I ask fellow litsters once again: Most of you have some life experience, you're pretty much the only adults I'm willing to share this story with. I understand you're not in my shoes nor are you aware of the context. But would saying something ultimately change something? I don't plan on seeing either of them again anyways, but there are SO many questions I need answered right now and it's killing me! If I WERE to say something, it would be next week. I'm supposed to go down next weekend to visit my family and thought maybe I could call my old bestfriend to hang out with for old times sake. Before the end of the day, I'd let him know.

I know it sounds like a terrible idea, but for me, right now, it sound blissful to finally let him know how I've felt about her all this time. Remember, I've known him longer than I've known her... I know it would ultimately change nothing in their relationship together... at least I'm pretty damn sure it wouldn't.

ARGH! Help me out, fellers!

 

[fgarvb1]

Don't do it.

If they break up, after a few months try your luck with her.

Anything you do now is going to blow up in your face.

If you are meant to be you will, if not, NOTHING you can do will change it.

Life is tough sometimes...we don't always get what we want, when we want it.

and sometimes not ever.

 

[littlebabyclit]

Quick recap: I've had a crush on - that's actually putting it lightly, more like I've been in love with - one of my friends whom I've known for the past 5 years. I've never told her about it, always just enjoyed her company and battled hard to keep it at that.

I'm trying to figure out, why in the heck didn't you want to tell her of your feelings all this time ? For five years ?

 

[CaRaMeLPoleDoll]

Don't do it.

If they break up, after a few months try your luck with her.

Anything you do now is going to blow up in your face.

If you are meant to be you will, if not, NOTHING you can do will change it.

Life is tough sometimes...we don't always get what we want, when we want it.

and sometimes not ever.

i have to agree... i've read some of your other thread and i'm sorry that you are still struggling with this...

i just don't see how it will help if (as you say) you will never see them again, you didn't want to continue the friendship when you left for college and you are pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about you. it seems the only reason you want to hang out with your old "best friend" is to tell him you are in love with his girlfriend...
i think you should continue to take the advice from your other threads and let it lie...

it does seem like you missed the boat as BabyClit said... why did you wait so long in the first place?

 

[niv78]

If you tell them then the only person you're helping is yourself, now is not the time.

 

[PertPerth]

I agree with the others - I think it's a bad idea. You'll regret it; once it's out, you can't take it back.

Having said that, I feel very sympathetic towards your situation. I just hope you can find love with someone else.

 

[Mac98]

I'm trying to figure out, why in the heck didn't you want to tell her of your feelings all this time ? For five years ?

Good question. The last girlfriend I had, 3 years ago, I believe, I realize now was in part to try and forget about her. Funny thing is, my last girlfriend was, imo, out of my league and I never told her I had feelings for her until we started going out. In other words, she pretty much did all the work to get the relationship to take off. Out of every single crush I've had since as long as I can remember, I've always kept my mouth shut. I realize now it's probably because I fear the rejection a little too much. However, this being said, I've made my peace with the fact I'll never end up with my friend. I never had a strong enough friendship with her to admit something like that (nor did I have the guts to do it).

I used to be 100% sure she never had any type of feelings for me, though my brother told me about a few incidents that had happened a few years back that had fallen out of my memory that may indicate that perhaps she may at one point have had SOME feelings for me. If it is the case, I sure as shit missed that boat, all because I could never tell her how I felt. If I DID tell her, though, and she didn't have those feelings, then I would've missed out on some great, fond memories of not only hanging out with her, but all my other friends I was introduced to through her.

It's the story of my life. I remember my first years in highschool someone admitted (in a shy, childish way) that they liked me and although I did feel attracted to that person, I never said anything. Of course, I can't say I had even a crush on the person, but usually one would at least reply with a "sorry, not interested" or heck, some would even try to make it work. Not me, I, like some uneducated idiot, kept my mouth shut. So far, this hasn't paid off very well.

And to answer some other questions, this decision (to finally say something to my friend) is absolutely selfish, not a shred of doubt about that. Truth is, at this point, I don't care. If it can relieve me at least a bit, I'm willing to take the opportunity.

And CaRaMeLPoleDoll, I fairly certain they're not gonna' break up. She's forgiven him for cheating on her when for the past 4 relationships she's had were ended because of unloyalty on the guys part. If she forgave him for that, I know it's because she loves him deeply. And from talking so many times about it with my friend, I know he loves her a whole lot too. My intentions aren't for them to break up. I'd rather she be with a guy like him and he be with a girl like her than either of them end up with a douchebag. I just think those 5 years are starting to weigh on me a little too much.

Lastly, I had already decided I'd give my old bestfriend a call... for old times sake. Now the question is should I take that opportunity to admit everything or still let absolutely no one know about it. (And yes, you litsters are the only people who know about this... I've managed to keep this a secret from everyone. Maybe I should become an actor !).

(Appologies for another ridiculously long post)

 

[Cattypuss]

What would be the point of saying something? Seriously? Why would you do it? What is your motivation here?

 

[Mac98]

What would be the point of saying something? Seriously? Why would you do it? What is your motivation here?

Honestly? Like I've said so many times, perhaps I'm not thinking straight (actually, I KNOW I'm not thinking straight), but the sole reason would be cuz I'm friggin' sick and tired I've carrying around such a profoundly useless secret. It's my own fault for never having said anything to anyone, but really, who could I have told without causing SOME complications... so now, after so long, I feel I need to set the record straight. For him (my best friend) it would probably explain a lot and for me, it would probably feel just so much better (not on the spot, there'll probably be a lot of awkwardness and long silent pauses and reflecting, but after all that, I'm fairly certain I'll feel better).

And that's my motive.

 

[littlebabyclit]

My question is: are you HAPPY with being so utterly passive about your love life? Or do you want to become a guy who goes out and gets what he wants, or at least TRIES to? I think you should privately tell the girl how you feel, and not your friend. Who's to say what a "great" boyfriend your buddy is to her, if he's already cheated on her? Just because she forgave him... what if maybe she's just wearing down about the fidelity issue after so many cheating boyfriends...maybe she's decided the faithfulness issue isn't a deal breaker anymore. And what if she's a little like you, and never had the nerve to tell you how she's longed for you? You'd have to ask yourself: who could I get along without, if he or she stays mad at me permanently? Because in this scenario, somebody will probably get mad at you (most likely your best friend, if you cost him their relationship.)

IMO:
If you want a satisfying love life, it ain't gonna come to you, you gotta go out and get it. Playing safe, trying to make everybody ELSE happy, is a hard tightrope to walk, and not always worth it.

 

[silverwhisper]

mac, my opinion on the matter hasn't changed, i'm afraid, and like the others, i'm sorry that your first semester hasn't changed things for you.

however, something you shouldn't rule out is the prospect that they both already know and aren't mentioning it b/c they don't want you to feel uncomfortable with their knowing.

you admitted you'd be sharing this to make yourself feel better. and at the risk of being blunt: that's kinda selfish, dude. i wouldn't assume that your buddy wouldn't tell her--if they've been together through a breakup, they're almost certainly harboring more long-term plans.

if you ask me:

1. you can't be sure of whether they do/don't know.
2. you can't be sure of how either will respond.
3. you can't be sure whether if you tell just one, the other won't find out.

while i respectfully disagree with lbc in this instance, she raises a very good point: what are you doing to have a love life? are you just so stuck on her that no one else interests you?

ed

 

[Mac98]

mac, my opinion on the matter hasn't changed, i'm afraid, and like the others, i'm sorry that your first semester hasn't changed things for you.

however, something you shouldn't rule out is the prospect that they both already know and aren't mentioning it b/c they don't want you to feel uncomfortable with their knowing.

you admitted you'd be sharing this to make yourself feel better. and at the risk of being blunt: that's kinda selfish, dude. i wouldn't assume that your buddy wouldn't tell her--if they've been together through a breakup, they're almost certainly harboring more long-term plans.

if you ask me:

1. you can't be sure of whether they do/don't know.
2. you can't be sure of how either will respond.
3. you can't be sure whether if you tell just one, the other won't find out.

while i respectfully disagree with lbc in this instance, she raises a very good point: what are you doing to have a love life? are you just so stuck on her that no one else interests you?

ed

Hey Ed,

I doubt they already know. I was close enough with my best friend that he would've confronted me about it if he'd had a shred of doubt. I don't rule out the fact that it is possible, but in every discussion surrounding the subject, I always made it subtly clear (though without ever flat out denying it) that I wasn't interested in her like that (at the time because I knew he had better chances of ending up with her). I'd be surprised... they would've avoided me if they knew. Besides, if they do know, then I'd want to confirm it... out of principle, I guess. And don't worry, no matter how blunt you are, I can take it... the HT Forum seems to have a lot of respectable people who aren't there just to beat on people... like the GB.

And to answer your questions/comments:
1: I answered that already
2: No, I can't. But I know he wouldn't act hostile... I know him well enough to say that. Her, I can't say how she'd react, but him, I know he wouldn't be impossible to talk to.
3: I don't really care if one or the other finds out. My time with both of them is done. Our paths have started splitting and that's cool... but I don't wanna' wake up in 10 years saying "I shoulda' said something".


And finally. I acknowledge that I haven't done jack to improve my love life. The last relationship I had was a complete fluke (if we can call it that). It was a once in a life-time thing and I managed to spoil it... It's something I'm working on, believe me. I just find that unique, attractive, intelligent girls are particularily rare. Perhaps I'm too picky, but I've come to learn that most women my age are mostly uneducated, superficial, mainstream wackos. I don't wanna' date a girl who's main priorities in life are clubbing, drinking and looking fashionable all the while listening to music produced by a machine to get you in that "pop some extasy" vibe... and believe, there are more than most people think.

Then, once in a while, the right one (according to my own standards) comes along and I do absolutely nothing, perhaps because I've under-evaluated myself, or perhaps because I'm aiming too high. Either way, it's a habit I'm trying to break. I don't think she's in my mind enough to block me from ever finding another girlfriend... tbh, I'm sure someone else would be the perfect remedy... but they just don't seem to be falling out of the sky.