I'm a little confused.

[IsabellaSnow]

An asexual need or not?

Is the desire to be dominated or to dominate asexual? Is it just a basic need, like breathing? Or does it depend on your sexuality?

because, until a day or so ago, I thought it would have to depend on several factors. until I had an experience with someone who seemed to be able to dominate me with great ease, despite my not being attracted to him on a fundamental level.

Im very straight. And he's mostly not. I like very rugged men, he was fairly effeminate. Yet extremely dominant, somehow.

I just dont understand how it happened. Its not going to happen again - but if youd asked me if it could have happened at all, Id have laughed in your face.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

I should clarify here that I am not doing research. I'm looking for other opinions. I am not a newbie looking for advice, in case that is how it came across.

Im just a very surprised individual as of 2 days ago.

 

[graceanne]

Is the desire to be dominated or to dominate asexual? Is it just a basic need, like breathing? Or does it depend on your sexuality?

because, until a day or so ago, I thought it would have to depend on several factors. until I had an experience with someone who seemed to be able to dominate me with great ease, despite my not being attracted to him on a fundamental level.

Im very straight. And he's mostly not. I like very rugged men, he was fairly effeminate. Yet extremely dominant, somehow.

I just dont understand how it happened. Its not going to happen again - but if youd asked me if it could have happened at all, Id have laughed in your face.

I dunno - I've known people who I wasn't sexually attracted to who've managed to be perfectly dominating. *shrug* I don't think it's necessarily a sex thing. Heck, look at all the people who have slaves just for doing chores and stuff - and it has nothing to do with sex.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Yeah, I see what youre saying, but I think I meant something a little different.

Dominant is one thing - anyone can be dominant.

But that doesnt meant they would turn the other person on whilst dominating. Your example specifically - I dont view that arrangement as sexual.

though Im sure someone somewhere gets hard/wet from that.

Its almost like asking if a straight sub male could get turned on and aroused by a skilled gay dom.

What would you think if I asked it that way? Does t sexual preference matter, I guess is another way to ask.

 

[graceanne]

Yeah, I see what youre saying, but I think I meant something a little different.

Dominant is one thing - anyone can be dominant.

But that doesnt meant they would turn the other person on whilst dominating. Your example specifically - I dont view that arrangement as sexual.

though Im sure someone somewhere gets hard/wet from that.

Its almost like asking if a straight sub male could get turned on and aroused by a skilled gay dom.

What would you think if I asked it that way? Does t sexual preference matter, I guess is another way to ask.

Hm. Well I've said many a time that in my next life I'm coming back gay and marrying bluekat. She's from before your time, but she's a bi domme. I, on the other hand, am very straight. I'm not even bi-curious. So I guess I still see where you're coming from.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Hey, I've been around awhile, lady! (2002!)

Just not as Isabella Snow.

 

[graceanne]

Hey, I've been around awhile, lady! (2002!)

Just not as Isabella Snow.

EEK, AN ALT! EVERYONE RUN!

 

[IsabellaSnow]

*sigh*

I canceled the email address Id used to register - and forgot my password shortly thereafter.

Lets not get excited - Im rarely on here as it is.

 

[graceanne]

empty your PM box

 

[PoeticMusings53]

Is the desire to be dominated or to dominate asexual? Is it just a basic need, like breathing? Or does it depend on your sexuality?

Hardly - its sex without penetration.

That is, its all the same psychological exchanges that go on during sex, only penetration is not (necessarily) a part.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

Hardly - its sex without penetration.

That is, its all the same psychological exchanges that go on during sex, only penetration is not (necessarily) a part.

When I asked if it depends on sexuality, I meant sexual orientation. I'd been up for 24 hours when I wrote that - sorry if that bit wasn't clear.

Anyway - from your reply it would see you think my last analogy would be possible?

A gay dom should be able to arouse/etc a straight sub male?

Or are you saying the opposite?

Maybe Im confused.

 

[Trajal]

For me it's simply a part of normal life, like breathing and eating.

It doesn't have to be sexual, but it absolutely can be. I'm not a purely bedroom dominant, my submissive and I live in a 24/7 D/s relationship and we maintain that even if others are around, because that is who we both are.

Most simply view us as something of an old fashioned couple. I digress, for some people it can be sexual and they feel it works in a similiar fashion to foreplay, for others it can be non-sexual and they enjoy it for it's own sake. For me it's both depending on the circumstances.

Doesn't really answer your question that well I'm afraid, but tis my opinion.

 

[Etoile]

I think in addition to "based on sexual orientation" rather than "sexual" what you may mean is "non-sexual" rather than "asexual." Asexual is an aversion to sex, while non-sexual is an absence of sex. In this case, you're referring to an absence of sexual arousal based on orientation - that is, the person you're dominating (or submitting to) is not your preferred gender or type. (As you mentioned, masculine vs. feminine can play as much a role as male vs. female.)

I have seen a LOT of non-sexual BDSM in the leather community. It can be downright clinical in a teaching setting - I have been to workshops on mummification, anal sex, etc. where the orientation of the people didn't matter at all. There's also play parties, where both top and bottom are there for the physical experience (endorphins, etc) rather than because they love each other.

I would say BDSM does not have to be sexually motivated. It often is, but it doesn't have to be.

 

[StrapFantasy]

But that doesnt meant they would turn the other person on whilst dominating.

Its almost like asking if a straight sub male could get turned on and aroused by a skilled gay dom.

What would you think if I asked it that way? Does t sexual preference matter, I guess is another way to ask.

If being dominated is something that turns you on, I think the answer is yes, it can sometimes affect you outside of your personal sexual envelope, so to speak. It sounds like this aroused you without any of the other factors you expect to need for arousal to occur. I think that happens to everyone from time to time. We think about a certain thing, "Never in a million years!" and then suddenly find ourselves hot and bothered over that very thing.

It can be a little uncomfortable to find we may not understand ourselves as much as we thought. We each have a zone where we expect arousal to occur. It surprises us when it happens outside that zone. I tend to think it isn't such a big challenge to the way I identify myself; I just figure that zone is dynamic - it changes from day to day, mood to mood.

 

[myinnerslut]

ive known i was submissive somehow far before i associated it with sex. that being said, when i feel like somone is dominant, i almost always see it in at least partly sexual context.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I will only have sex with women.

But I'll tie up, beat, flog, cane, cut poke needles in, shock, or other wise inflict pain on just about anyone.

I'm also perfectly happy having my house cleaned, yard done, meals prepared and served, laundry done and other service oriented tasks performed by pretty much anyone.

So sex ain't got nuffin' to do with my sadism or being a Dom.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Taking a my cue from EG, I will only have sex with men. And guess what? They do not have to be involved in BDSM or D/s. I occasionally have vanilla "friends with benefits."

When it comes to D/s and/or BDSM, I am only interested in male submissives or slaves. They do a nice job of completing the service tasks I set before them, and I like the way they look while they do them! I have women friends, but they do not interest me as submissives or sexual partners and vice versa.

YMMV.

 

[StrapFantasy]

I have women friends, but they do not interest me as submissives or sexual partners and vice versa.

That leads to the question then, have you ever found yourself turned on by one of them - in spite of your lack of interest in women? I suppose more in the context of the original question, were you aroused by their submissive nature?

 

[Ebonyfire]

That leads to the question then, have you ever found yourself turned on by one of them - in spite of your lack of interest in women? I suppose more in the context of the original question, were you aroused by their submissive nature?

Nope. I have dominated female subs, and it is not a sexual experience. It was basically academic. I am not bisexual, and although I can find the female form interesting, the only female sexual equipment I am interested in is My own.

I am a fan of the man.

 

[StrapFantasy]

Nope. I have dominated female subs, and it is not a sexual experience. It was basically academic. I am not bisexual, and although I can find the female form interesting, the only female sexual equipment I am interested in is My own.

I am a fan of the man.

I respect that.

I consider myself about as straight as a person can be, as you say, I am a fan of the woman. Still, I have to confess having been turned on by things that would seemingly contradict that. In my case, it seems certain things that, at times, arouse me must transverse gender and/or sexual preference.

 

[neonflux]

When I asked if it depends on sexuality, I meant sexual orientation. I'd been up for 24 hours when I wrote that - sorry if that bit wasn't clear.

Anyway - from your reply it would see you think my last analogy would be possible?

A gay dom should be able to arouse/etc a straight sub male?

Or are you saying the opposite?

Maybe Im confused.

Being a 3-on-the-Kinsey-scale bisexual, this is a hard one for me. However, perhaps there is a similarity for me when it comes to playing with someone I have an affection, but no sexual attraction for. I have Topped and bottomed for people to whom I had no sexual attraction, and with whom I have no intention of ever having sex. That said, except within the confines of a purely clinical teaching situation, I have to agree with StrapFantasy. At some level, when a scene works well and there is a real power exchange, it has always for me been accompanied by sexual tension. Isabella, what you experienced certainly makes sense to me on an emotional level.

Neon

 

[BeachGurl2]

Interesting question, Isabella. I am no bi, nor am I at all bi-curious. I've never been interested in women. However, there have been instances when I've met dominant women to whom I deferred. And I was involved in a wax scene with one at the dungeon. Was it sexual? Not really, although it was arousing.

I think the submissive tendencies depend on the dynamics of the interactions, whether or not there is sexual interest. I don't think it means anything other than the fact that the person you're interacting with is dominant at a level that somehow brings out your submissiveness. Submissiveness isn't just about sex for many of us. It involves other aspects of life as well. It just seems to me that maybe this person was dominant at a level that brought out your submissiveness beyond which you'd experienced before. It really has no other meaning than that. The dynamics worked well between you, which when this happens, can lead to feelings of attraction that might not otherwise have been there. They don't have to be sexual in nature.

 

[MechaBlade]

Is the desire to be dominated or to dominate asexual? Is it just a basic need, like breathing? Or does it depend on your sexuality?

because, until a day or so ago, I thought it would have to depend on several factors. until I had an experience with someone who seemed to be able to dominate me with great ease, despite my not being attracted to him on a fundamental level.

Im very straight. And he's mostly not. I like very rugged men, he was fairly effeminate. Yet extremely dominant, somehow.

I just dont understand how it happened. Its not going to happen again - but if youd asked me if it could have happened at all, Id have laughed in your face.

For me, the desire to dominate is 100% sexual.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

I think in addition to "based on sexual orientation" rather than "sexual" what you may mean is "non-sexual" rather than "asexual." Asexual is an aversion to sex, while non-sexual is an absence of sex.

Asexual does not mean an aversion to sex... it means "independent of sexual processes". Which is what I meant. Its actually more like your definition of non-sexual - an absence of sex. Though its good you said this because I suspect others were interpreting it the same way you were.

I would say BDSM does not have to be sexually motivated. It often is, but it doesn't have to be.

Thank you for this, I'm leaning in this direction myself.

 

[IsabellaSnow]

I will only have sex with women.

But I'll tie up, beat, flog, cane, cut poke needles in, shock, or other wise inflict pain on just about anyone.

Really? Interesting!

Does it turn you on if it involves a man?