I'm a feedback whore - please feed the beast ;)

[furrybert]

Hi
It's been a lot of years since I last posted on Literotica (my last submissions were all in 2012!) and it is both strange and exciting to be back.

Would appreciate any feedback but please be warned it's in the non-consent category, so if it's not your thing, I understand!

Not the longest submission I've written but it's three pages, so not a two-minute read.

https://www.literotica.com/s/taking-care-of-a-problem

Thank you kindly

 

[AfterDusk]

Um yup. Wasn't expecting that, lol. I clicked on your story to give it a quick glimpse to see if I could provide you with any general pointers and that pretty much ended up in me reading the entire thing. So, kudos.

Overall, you had a very good plot arc, a nice build up and a good quick end after Ben and Lily fucked pretty much every which way possible. Your erotic scenes were detailed and feasible enough to properly illustrate a visual.

You created realistic characters and despite it being non-con I thought Lily's progression from not wanting it to wanting it was gradual enough that it didn't come across as jarring but somewhat believable.

There were a few plot holes that you wrote in which jarred me out of the story and back to editor mode (I'll PM these to you), so if those were cleaned up it might help make your story better.

Personally, and this could just be me, your labels of female body parts were a bit sterile. You're writing porn and to call it a vagina isn't really that arousing, you know? You have no aversions to using the word 'cunt' as you already used it in Ben's speech so might as well just put that in there instead. Plus, I mean, you're writing in non-con so I hardly think you need to worry about offending anyone by not using PG terms for lady bits.

Overall nice job Keep writing!

 

[furrybert]

Thank you I will take a look at your PM shortly
I think with the labels of the body parts I was trying to show a difference between what Lily called them and how Ben referred to them, but I agree it’s a little jarring and didn’t work how I wanted.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Thank you I will take a look at your PM shortly
I think with the labels of the body parts I was trying to show a difference between what Lily called them and how Ben referred to them, but I agree it’s a little jarring and didn’t work how I wanted.

I do exactly that in my current series. When I am writing from the female protagonist's POV I use the terminology she would use (ex: "vagina" or "underpants"). When I am writing from her male partner's POV I use his language ("pussy" or "panties"). I consider it part of maintaining the integrity of the characterization.

 

[furrybert]

I do exactly that in my current series. When I am writing from the female protagonist's POV I use the terminology she would use (ex: "vagina" or "underpants"). When I am writing from her male partner's POV I use his language ("pussy" or "panties"). I consider it part of maintaining the integrity of the characterization.

Yes, I agree, that's what I was going for too, but I've had similar feedback from a few people so maybe I'm doing it too clumsily
I will see how I can tweak it for the next time.

 

[AfterDusk]

Yes, I agree, that's what I was going for too, but I've had similar feedback from a few people so maybe I'm doing it too clumsily
I will see how I can tweak it for the next time.

Ah, I see now. If this is the case then maybe also label the male body parts in the same manner? I think that might have the effect you are going for; and perhaps find a different word than ‘clit.’ While I know that most women would label it as such it is hard to see your intentions with a mix of real and slang words.