I would love some feedback

[YoSoyJu]

I posted my first story here and would love some feedback. If everyone could just read it and vote on it. I don't care if you give it a 5 or a 1, just as long as your honest. Feedback is greatly apprecitaed.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85349

Thank you all so very much.

 

[hiddenself]

I have to confess that I'm a sucker for "Lost Love" themes, so my "4" is prejudiced.

Although the constant switch between present and past was hard to follow in the beginning, I think you pulled it off quite well overall. Perhaps this might be the rare occasion where a tense switch might have helped the story -- say, if the flashbacks were recounted in the present tense and the story itself in the past tense?

Anyway, my main issue was that it was kinda too melodramatic -- all the deaths in front of his eyes: Jimmy dying under the car, his dog accidentally killed by his mom, his beloved wife dropping dead unexpectedly. Also, it was a little too obvious at times -- his father's mocking voice in his head, his ranting to the picture of Christ, stuff like that. But you caught me in one of my rare generous moods, so I won't bitch too much about it...

A good read.

hs

PS You "Staircase" poem was cool too. Simple and soft-spoken.