I tried to bring back the Kink with my wife. She didn't respond so well. What do you think?

[LMWM321]

Maybe she's entering her menopause, or she has passed through it and you did not notice? So she could be feeling challenged or annoyed that you are wanting the old days but she can't enjoy that sort of thing anymore? If she's that age then talk to her after reading around it, rather than asking men on Literotica what they think about people they do not know. Hug her lots and be amorous, rather than horny!

Exactly... Many guys think that as their wife's libido wanes from menopause, the way to bring it back is to turn up the heat with porn-fueled dirty-talk, role-playing, sex-toys, sex positions, etc.. I made that mistake myself. I thought I'd show my wife, who was struggling with low-libido from menopause, a group sex video. Instead of making her horny, she started crying and said,, "All this does is make me feel worse about my body and how I'm feeling about sex these days!"

..So fucking stupid of me. My heart was in the right place, but not my brain.

 

[trucker6142]

Exactly... Many guys think that as their wife's libido wanes from menopause, the way to bring it back is to turn up the heat with porn-fueled role-playing, sex-toys, sex positions, etc.. I made that mistake myself. I thought I'd show my wife, who was struggling with low-libido from menopause, a group sex video. Instead of making her horny, she started crying and said,, "All this does is make me feel worse about how I'm feeling about sex these days!"

..So fucking stupid of me. My heart was in the right place, but not my brain.

Nothi g hurts a husband more, than his wife who tells him she's not interested in sex anymore.
Talk about a huge fucking kick in the balls.

 

[TonyF862]

Nothi g hurts a husband more, than his wife who tells him she's not interested in sex anymore.
Talk about a huge fucking kick in the balls.

- and sadly it’s often the case that it’s not that she’s not interested in sex - it’s that she’s not interested in sex with HIM.

See it all the time. Women/couples who haven’t had sex in months or sometimes years and then you find out she’s cheating. I’ve never understood that.

For some reason I hate to sound chauvinistic, it’s easy to understand why a man would cheat if a woman cuts him off. But it seems rare that a woman is cheating because a man is cut her off.

 

[Britva415]

she started crying and said,, "All this does is make me feel worse about my body and how I'm feeling about sex these days!"

I'd go ahead and apologize for doing something thoughtless and intrusive, but I'd also cry right back and tell her what the repeated, perpetual lack of success at getting her interested does, and how her inability to come up with ideas about what she/we could try, makes ME feel worse about sex these days.

I would never (again) make myself a martyr to a spouse's disinterest in sex. I hid what it was doing to me for years until I changed my mind and stopped doing that, "fOr HeR sAkE." There are two people in this marriage, both with valid needs.

 

[trucker6142]

- and sadly it’s often the case that it’s not that she’s not interested in sex - it’s that she’s not interested in sex with HIM.

See it all the time. Women/couples who haven’t had sex in months or sometimes years and then you find out she’s cheating. I’ve never understood that.

For some reason I hate to sound chauvinistic, it’s easy to understand why a man would cheat if a woman cuts him off. But it seems rare that a woman is cheating because a man is cut her off.

No, she doesn't play around. She's faithful.

 

[LMWM321]

I'd go ahead and apologize for doing something thoughtless and intrusive, but I'd also cry right back and tell her what the repeated, perpetual lack of success at getting her interested does, and how her inability to come up with ideas about what she/we could try, makes ME feel worse about sex these days.

Well said, Britva.. And a very relatable sentiment.

If you don't mind my asking, how does your wife feel about herself? ..Does she have a positive body-image, does she believe she's attractive? I think for a lot of women, their interest in sex is predicated on having a positive self-image. Also, did she ever thoroughly enjoy sex? If so, what was going on when her attitude toward it began to change?

As to your other remark, I agree that after a couple years of pleading with my wife for intimacy and her declining to even discuss it with a therapist or her doctors, etc.. there would definitely come a time when I'd tell her, "I will continue to love and care for you and keep you at the center of my life, but I will NOT go the rest of my life without sex. You've made it clear that you no longer desire it and you're not interested in getting that desire to come back. And that's your decision to make. ..But it matters a great deal to me. Going without sex the rest of my life is as inconceivable to me as never laughing again. ..I can't do it. So, I will seek it out with other women. What rules can we agree upon to minimize how much pain this will cause you?"

Make no mistake, having sex outside of your marriage is breaking a marital vow. ..But so is going years of not having intimacy with your spouse and not caring enough about it to address it.

 

[LookN2Talk]

Make no mistake, having sex outside of your marriage is breaking a marital vow. ..But so is going years of not having intimacy with your spouse and not caring enough about it to address it.

Thumbs UP!!!

I see the last in friends marriages more than anything.

What are their options? They've tried about everything... Sad to see marriages falling apart.

 

[Noor]

Taking the pressure off helps. Helping the other person feel better about sensual things in general also can.
Non sexual touch like getting weekly or monthly professional massages can help people start feeling. Great food, soft things next to their skin, clothing, sheets, great French soap, spa days.
Time off from daily life. A walk in the evening, art dates, stupid silly funny things, do non sexual things you both liked to do when you were young and poor. Dance, listen to music..,
Guys don’t get that when women shut down, it’s not just to them and sex, it’s to everything. There is so much pressure to be whatever at work, home, in public, society that it gets to be too much. It’s expectation overload.
I personally hate washing dishes, and ironing. A guy who will do those things well for me, would be a big start.
Whatever you do, don’t push because when you do, Youre just one more expectation, let her come to you.
Also be more active yourself, fix those things you were planning to but hadn’t got around to, try new things, make room for her to join you if she wants, be clean, personally and in the house and car. Picking up after another person who’s over the age of childhood can be exhausting.

 

[WhiteL0tus]

It's definitely worth having a conversation about if she is open to it and I'm so sorry that it's been difficult to feel like you're on the same page. I have a similar issue with my husband but it isn't so much that our kinks aren't currently aligning it's that his drive has lowered due to medication and so we have a lot of conversations about how to still have me be satisfied because I am kind of insatiable.. like all the time, and he knows and loves it but just can't always be helping. He knows that i often masturbate when I am out or at work, etc because it's a need for me and if we hadn't had the conversations about it all it may not be working out as well.

 

[Britva415]

how does your wife feel about herself? ..Does she have a positive body-image, does she believe she's attractive? I think for a lot of women, their interest in sex is predicated on having a positive self-image

For her, it isn't about any of this. Sometimes libido just vanishes. She's fine with her appearance and body.

did she ever thoroughly enjoy sex? If so, what was going on when her attitude toward it began to change?

Only for very short periods. We fucked three times on our wedding night! But she has always had difficulty with pain, with arousal and with libido mis-matches with her partners. Between myself and her, it was one of those classic "we did it all the time at the beginning" things, before it tapered off sharply and forever.

She identifies as asexual now. That was the turning point, for us, the point when we really got real and committed to working together to figure out what the fuck we were supposed to even do.

When a person doesn't care about not having sex, doesn't miss it, doesn't want to fix it, then none of the other psych mumbo-jumbo about self-esteem or whatever matters. One has to just let her have it her way and figure out what one is going to do about it as a result. With or without the partner's cooperation.

after a couple years [...] there would definitely come a time when I'd tell her

I don't know how long it has been or whether this time has already come, but don't wait forever, even if you are already discussing it.

It is not going to "get better" as far as the sex goes. Though the relationship overall definitely can get better when the pair gets real, gets honest and gets practical about what it's going to take to stay together without senseless suffering.

Or not: Nobody owes another person sex, and nobody owes them a relationship. And if both people can't be real, honest and willing to talk, then, what are they even doing together at all.

I came close to leaving (or, ready to get told to leave) a couple of times. It wasn't over sex. It would have been over refusal to communicate. But she came through and did become willing to talk, with zero off-limits topics. There was a lot we didn't agree on, but there was nothing we didn't talk about.

There was no time at which I ever used willingness to end it as any kind of a threat or manipulation. She knew what the stakes were for me, but I didn't ever use that as leverage. Coercion can't work - it would just be trading one person's suffering for the other person's suffering.

having sex outside of your marriage is breaking a marital vow

Meh, who cares, besides the two people involved. If the two of them agree to it, it's not infidelity and it's not like they're doing it in front of all their family and friends. If it's a religious thing, I don't know what to tell you. God save them, I guess, though I have always believed in a God who helps those who help themselves.

I don't want extramarital sex because I don't love my wife, I want it because I do. And she's on board with it too. Anyone who would point a finger at us and judge our vows is a Puritanical inquisitor who can go fuck themselves.

 

[TonyF862]

No, she doesn't play around. She's faithful.

Doesn’t mean she doesn’t have desires or fantasies.

 

[LMWM321]

I don't want extramarital sex because I don't love my wife, I want it because I do. And she's on board with it too. Anyone who would point a finger at us and judge our vows is a Puritanical inquisitor who can go fuck themselves.

Couldn't agree more.

Sorry for what you're going through Britva415. Not that it will help you now, but I truly believe there WILL come a day - maybe 10, 20 , or 30 years from now - when seeking sex outside of a primary relationship isn't so fraught with guilt or shame. In such a world those who seek it will do it honestly, and openly and they will be regarded not as villains but as people who are simply tending to their emotional health, of which sex is a significant component. Just think of how far we've come in our acceptance of those who are gay, or bi. Someday, those who need sex outside of their marriage will be perceived with the same acceptance.

Meanwhile, we need to start raising kids to understand that extra-marital sex, under the right circumstances, is a form of personal fulfillment instead of a marital crime that precipitates the ending of the partnership. Of course, for this to happen, people need to eschew the religion-based notions of sex and marriage.

 

[LMWM321]

There is so much pressure to be whatever at work, home, in public, society that it gets to be too much. It’s expectation overload.

Lot's of wisdom in your entire post @Noor , including the above comment. All well said.

 

[Britva415]

Sorry for what you're going through

Oh, it's MUCH better than it was.

It's not ideal for either of us but it's do-able. And even if it had turned out not to have been do-able, our split almost certainly would have been completely amicable. But it didn't come to that, so