I feel like arguing a start.

[Kumquatqueen]

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night.

If endless tedious irrelevant detail were left out, (and the twee wife I couldn't wait to die of TB), David Copperfield would be a good 600 pages shorter.

Come back, oh ye descriptions that go "Let me tell you about myself. I'm a 32DD blonde..." All is forgiven. OK, partly forgiven. Actually, not forgiven much at all, but maybe just a little bit.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a traveler. Relax. Concentrate. Dispel every other thought. Let the world around you fade. Best to close the door; the TV is always on in the next room. Tell the others right away, "No, I don't want to watch TV!" Raise your voice--they won't hear you otherwise--"I'm reading! I don't want to be disturbed!" Maybe they haven't heard you, with all that racket; speak louder, yell: "I'm beginning to read Italo Calvino's new novel!" Or if you prefer, don't say anything; just hope they'll leave you alone.

Dude, I'm just trying to find a quiet corner for a wank, shut up already.

Calvino makes for a challenging wank, though by no means the toughest.

 

[12oclocktales]

You don’t know about me, without you have read a book by the name of “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,” but that ain’t no matter.

Of course we know about you because a guy by the name of Hemingway said “all modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn,” and he knew everything about bull fighting and boxing and crashing airplanes and drinking and fishing and how to get under F. Scott Fitzgerald’s skin until it made him spit. But he never said squat about any Tom Sawyer so maybe that does matter.

 

[Britva415]

I feel like arguing a start.

Or three.

what

Well done, @Euphony

 

[Britva415]

When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning or in rain?

The fuck, witches? You don't have to pick just one! I mean, just try it and see how hard it is!

Now, fair Hippolyta, our nuptial hour
Draws on apace: four happy days bring in
Another moon; but O! methinks how slow
This old moon wanes; she lingers my desires,
Like to a step-dame, or a dowager
Long withering out a young man's revenue.

Oh, your revenue betta not wither, THEEseus,
or this marriage will / be o'er before again yon moon doth wax!

Nay, but this dotage of our general's
O'erflows the measure; those his goodly eyes,
That o'er the files and musters of the war
Have glow'd like plated Mars, now bend, now turn
The office and devotion of their view
Upon a tawny front; his captain's heart,
Which in the scuffles of great fights hath burst
The buckles on his breast, reneges all temper,
And is become the bellows and the fan
To cool a gipsy's lust. Look! where they come.

Damn, Bard, I know this is from the 16th century but could anybody understand this even back then!? Don't win the meter but lose the plot, dawg!

 

[Euphony]

Well done, @Euphony

 

[Bramblethorn]

This two-year course in physics is presented from the point of view that you, the reader, are going to be a physicist. This is not necessarily the case of course, but that is what every professor in every subject assumes! If you are going to be a physicist, you will have a lot to study: two hundred years of the most rapidly developing field of knowledge that there is. So much knowledge, in fact, that you might think that you cannot learn all of it in four years, and truly you cannot; you will have to go to graduate school too!

Surprisingly enough, in spite of the tremendous amount of work that has been done for all this time it is possible to condense the enormous mass of results to a large extent—that is, to find laws which summarize all our knowledge. Even so, the laws are so hard to grasp that it is unfair to you to start exploring this tremendous subject without some kind of map or outline of the relationship of one part of the subject of science to another. Following these preliminary remarks, the first three chapters will therefore outline the relation of physics to the rest of the sciences, the relations of the sciences to each other, and the meaning of science, to help us develop a “feel” for the subject.

Second-person narration, ugh, and so many assumptions about how I might or might not react to it. Not a single engaging character, just one-dimensional stereotypes. So much "telling, not showing" even before we get to chapters 2 and 3 - a bit of subtle foreshadowing would work so much better than this heavy-handedness. I appreciate a bit of world-building but I have a bad feeling they're going to try to lay out every single detail about how the world of this story works and that's way too much.

 

[Areala-chan]

He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without taking a fish.
Here now, is 'taking a fish' slang for something else? No wonder this one's so short. Miserable bastard ain't had a proper wank in nearly three whole months. His bollocks will pop by page seven. Oi, @AchtungNight, we got one what needs your tissues over 'ere!

Time is not a line but a dimension, like the dimensions of space.
Nice try, Albert Einstein, but you'll not fool me twice with your science-infused pornography. E=MC^fuckyou, good sir.

 

[NoTalentHack]

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.

So unrealistic. Turning into a giant insect? Please. And even if you get past that, what kind of insect? Details matter, you fucking hack.

 

[Euphony]

"For a long time, I went to bed early."

Then my sister...

"Miss Brooke had that kind of beauty which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress."

No seriously, my sister is THAT hot. I clearly had to,

 

[Euphony]

"A screaming comes across the sky."

Amazing what happens when you listen to her instructions rather than freelance what you overheard some Chad say in a locker room.

 

[AchtungNight]

You don’t know about me, without you have read a book by the name of “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,” but that ain’t no matter.

Of course we know about you because a guy by the name of Hemingway said “all modern American literature comes from one book by Mark Twain called Huckleberry Finn,” and he knew everything about bull fighting and boxing and crashing airplanes and drinking and fishing and how to get under F. Scott Fitzgerald’s skin until it made him spit. But he never said squat about any Tom Sawyer so maybe that does matter.

Actually, Huck, I know all about you because I read your book as a kid and loved its uplifting story of friendship between two lost souls. It was worth reading and laughing along with. If that story’s brand of humor and character isn’t something that can be honored by good people- well, alright then, I’ll go to Hell too.

Wouldn’t have laughed at the Mark Twain fanfic jokes in Easy A quite as much if I hadn’t read Huck Finn first.

“It was a dark and stormy night.”

Ok, good start. Then what happened next? Come on, you imaginative dog, give me something here!

 

[intim8]

View attachment 2350043

I want to argue a mint.

 

[intim8]

It was a dark and stormy night.

Oh, great. Who is it that's trapped in a cabin with only one bed this time?

 

[Euphony]

I want to argue a mint.

#TeamCuriouslyStrong

 

[Bramblethorn]

Doubt of the real facts, as I must reveal them, is inevitable; yet if I suppressed what will seem extravagant and incredible there would be nothing left. The hitherto withheld photographs, both ordinary and aërial, will count in my favour; for they are damnably vivid and graphic. Still, they will be doubted because of the great lengths to which clever fakery can be carried. The ink drawings, of course, will be jeered at as obvious impostures; notwithstanding a strangeness of technique which art experts ought to remark and puzzle over.

That's a lot of words when you could have just written "Dear Penthouse, you'll never believe this, but..."

 

[Euphony]

I'll argue a start. You started this thread with your foot across the line. An unfair advantage. I call foul.

Is this league play?

I was told specifically this was NOT league play.

 

[CyranoJ]

Is this league play?

I was told specifically this was NOT league play.

View attachment 2350059

"The Supreme Court has roundly rejected Prior Restraint!"

 

[CyranoJ]

"Far out in the in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun."

Oh yeah, Douglas Adams? Well, if it's so backwater and small and unregarded, why the fuck are you writing about it?! Answer me that, smart guy!

TL;DR.

 

[Cagivagurl]

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.​

10 bajillion swipe lefts suggest you're wrong.

Mother died today. Or maybe, yesterday; I can't be sure.​

Well, WHICH is it for Chrissakes?!! More importantly, did she ever ride on your lap? Bypass the BS and get to why we are here. 0 stars!

Call me Ishmael.​

Amateur

Fucking

Hour.

-anonymous

Tis but a morsel of hope I share with thee today.
For yours is a lonely road
You chose poorly my poor child, for thee are now lost and alone a long lost highway of souls once departed.
Fear not the shadows, it is the light that shines.
Loneliness is not a state of mind
It's just a bus full of people all going the wrong way.
I turned left, or was I left behind
Am I here now

 

[CyranoJ]

"I'm pretty much fucked."
(Andy Weir, The Martian)

"It was the day my grandmother exploded."
(Iain M. Banks, The Crow Road)

Actually? Fine work, lads. No notes.

 

[Zootonius]

Who calls their kids Scarlett and Hunter? Whatever happened to Alice and Bob?

Why does the character have to be named Joe? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is named Joe!

--Sam Goldwyn.

 

[onehitwanda]

Is this league play?

I was told specifically this was NOT league play.

View attachment 2350059

You are out of your depth, Donny.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

"Far out in the in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small, unregarded yellow sun."

Oh yeah, Douglas Adams? Well, if it's so backwater and small and unregarded, why the fuck are you writing about it?! Answer me that, smart guy!

TL;DR.

Ford Prefect was getting paid to write about it. It just got edited down in the Guide, to 'Mostly Harmless'.

 

[nice90sguy]

Sherlock Holmes took his bottle from the corner of the mantel-piece and his hypodermic syringe from its neat morocco case. With his long, white, nervous fingers he adjusted the delicate needle, and rolled back his left shirt-cuff. For some little time his eyes rested thoughtfully upon the sinewy forearm and wrist all dotted and scarred with innumerable puncture-marks. Finally he thrust the sharp point home, pressed down the tiny piston, and sank back into the velvet-lined arm-chair with a long sigh of satisfaction.

WTF I never saw Basil Rathbone do that