I don't know how to leave.

[bisexplicit]

And I think I want to. As much as I love him, as much as going to this school was my dream, as much as I wanted to make it on my own...

He told me he'd kill himself if I left him. Hell, he told me he'd kill himself if I wanted to move back home and have a long distance relationship. And, I know, if I left, that his finacial problems will get worse.

And no one else has to leave their school because they can't handle it. No one else has a hard time leaving their apartment. No one else has to leave classes due to sudden panic attacks. I feel like such a failure.

And everyone else has someone they can talk to. But I can't talk to anyone. Because no one understands. I can't talk to my family, with their "I told you he was no good" attitude. I can't talk to my friends. I'm the funny one, I'm the one who brushes over this stuff. Plus, they wouldn't understand. They went away to their schools and made other friends. Their college days are spent worrying how to smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, not how to convince themselves not die.

I hate myself for writing this.

But I need help. I need to be able to look at this later. Later, when he comes home, and promises me things will be better. And promises me that he loves me, and wants whats best for me. Later, when I believe him, and I somehow manage to forget how much pain I'm in. I love him, but I have to leave. And I don't think I'm going to.

 

[EJFan]

bi... there's no easy answer to this and all anyone can really do is help you to work through it on your own. whatever your decision ultimately is, it's YOUR decision and whether it turns out to be right or wrong, you just have to live, learn and move on when it's said and done.

i would suggest that you remember that you have to account to yourself first. if you're honest with yourself about what you want out of life and this relationship, the answer may come more easily... but if you trick yourself into seeing/feeling something that isn't there then you will, indeed, make a wrong move.

 

[silverwhisper]

[wraps bi in a great big bearhug]

two words, bi: seek counseling. your school should have counseling available.

ed

 

[EJFan]

He told me he'd kill himself if I left him. Hell, he told me he'd kill himself if I wanted to move back home and have a long distance relationship. And, I know, if I left, that his finacial problems will get worse.

ya know what... i'm just gonna say it and to hell with it all... forgive me for being so blunt bi (you know i love ya)...

anyone who holds this kind of threat over their SO isn't in love and you can't honestly love them. this is the exact scenario that's played out in every emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship.

i know you care about him because you're undecided on this issue and the emotions are clear. as an objective observer (acting with the information i have) i have to tell you that this behavior he's exhibiting is not love... it's manipulative and it's mental false imprisonment.

i'm sorry bi and i hope you don't take that harshly... but i have to just lay it on the line here.

 

[bobsgirl]

ya know what... i'm just gonna say it and to hell with it all... forgive me for being so blunt bi (you know i love ya)...

anyone who holds this kind of threat over their SO isn't in love and you can't honestly love them. this is the exact scenario that's played out in every emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship.

i know you care about him because you're undecided on this issue and the emotions are clear. as an objective observer (acting with the information i have) i have to tell you that this behavior he's exhibiting is not love... it's manipulative and it's mental false imprisonment.

i'm sorry bi and i hope you don't take that harshly... but i have to just lay it on the line here.

I hope you take to heart what EJ's said here. Bi, honey, you're not a failure. Not at all. but if you stay in this kind of relationship, you surely will be wasting your potential. You deserve to be in a healthy, loving realtionship. You must not accept anything less.

I wish you strength and wisdom. (((Bi)))

 

[glynndah]

bi, you are in an abusive relationship! The threats are to himself, but they are threats nonetheless. I was in a relationship where I thought I was in love with a man and would do almost anything for him. However the relationship began to change and gradually I was "responsible" for his happiness and success in the world, him flunking college classes, losing his job, etc., because of my refusal to do and be exactly what he wanted. The abuse finally escalated to the point where he broke into my apartment (after I finally got the courage to leave), tying me up and threatening to kill himself in front of me. (Fortunately, the police were called and the situation ended without any additional violence.)

Please get some counseling and help yourself. A little distance might make you realize that what you felt was love at all. Surely you can see that your posting is not from a happy person. I sincerely hope it all works out for you.

 

[Noor]

And I think I want to. As much as I love him, as much as going to this school was my dream, as much as I wanted to make it on my own...

He told me he'd kill himself if I left him. Hell, he told me he'd kill himself if I wanted to move back home and have a long distance relationship. And, I know, if I left, that his finacial problems will get worse.

And no one else has to leave their school because they can't handle it. No one else has a hard time leaving their apartment. No one else has to leave classes due to sudden panic attacks. I feel like such a failure.

And everyone else has someone they can talk to. But I can't talk to anyone. Because no one understands. I can't talk to my family, with their "I told you he was no good" attitude. I can't talk to my friends. I'm the funny one, I'm the one who brushes over this stuff. Plus, they wouldn't understand. They went away to their schools and made other friends. Their college days are spent worrying how to smuggle alcohol into their dorm rooms, not how to convince themselves not die.

I hate myself for writing this.

But I need help. I need to be able to look at this later. Later, when he comes home, and promises me things will be better. And promises me that he loves me, and wants whats best for me. Later, when I believe him, and I somehow manage to forget how much pain I'm in. I love him, but I have to leave. And I don't think I'm going to.

I am a bit confused here who is suicidal, who is having panic attacks, who is convincing themselves not to die, who is agoraphobic (fear of the market place ie outside your apartment?)

I suspect the answer is you. If it is you have a couple problems going on and one is with yourself. The pain you are in may followed you even if you leave him, he may not be the source, nothing you have written here indicates that he is causing this pain. You obviously don't want to leave on some level.

I understand completely not wanting to leave someone you love, I have been. Other than his threats of suicide should you leave, is he being abusive in anyway? Is he stopping you from leaving the house, having friends, going to class? Why are you afraid to leave the house?

My suggestion, if you can't leave, is to change what you can, which is you. Often when you change yourself, the people around you start changing themselves too.
Get some help for the panic attacks for starters, there are medications for that. Check in with your college's counseling so if you need to withdraw from classes you will have their support.

Tell us your dreams and why you can't do them, maybe we can find a way around the obstacles. Set up a support system for both of you, so you will have someone who can watch him for you if you have to move home. See if you can create a life where the two of you are not so interdependent. Make more friends, they don't have to be close bosom buddies, they can be activity related friendships, but make sure you are both getting out of your house and seeing how other people's relationships are. People lose prospective when they live in a vacuum.

I would add walking 45 mins a day to your activities, maybe walk with him if you are up to it. Walking like that has shown to lower depression, so it could be good for both of you. I can get agoraphobic, I am never afraid to leave my apartment, it just gets really hard to do so, the longer I am inside, so I try to make myself go outside at least 10 mins each morning, being in the sun a little bit seems to help. Lots of light inside helps, its probably SAD. I also deal with it by making appointments with friends to do stuff so I get out.

Make sure you guys are eating well and on time, as well as keeping regular sleep routines. If you change , he may be able to as well, and at least you should feel better.

I hope this helps.

 

[Cathleen]

Bi, I'm so sorry you're having so much pain.

First of all, I'm with Ed, counseling is the first best thing you can do for yourself. You're in a complex relationship and situation. The healthy thing is getting support and help.

I also agree with Ej and BG, to be threatened in this way is blackmail, at the least and emotionally abusive at worst. It will take a lot of strength and tons of understanding for you to see your way clear of this situation.

I cannot imagine how painful it must be for you. I wish you to find the help so you live your life.

Please do NOT hate yourself for making the post - it shows great strength.

 

[midwestyankee]

Please do NOT hate yourself for making the post - it shows great strength.

Bi, I know how much like a cliché it sounds when people say this for I have been on the receiving end of such advice and ignored it. I have also taken that advice on other occasions and I can tell you that this is as true as rain: telling someone else (or many people, as you did) is an act of courage. Now, the courage may not be apparent to you right now because all you're feeling is fear and a jumble of other negative emotions and it may come from some place in you that you don't know very well - but it is courage nonetheless.

If you question your situation enough to think it through and post about it, then I think you may already know what one of your next steps must be. In the meantime, though, listen to Cathleen. She is wise beyond her few years.

to you for asking for support here.

 

[Guest]

 

[southernsky]

Call the police the next time he threatens suicide. If he's lying, he deserves to get his bluff called. If he's not lying, he needs FAR more help than you can ever give him. Get him the help and counseling he needs, then go to your school counselor and talk. You have to be proactive for anything to help your situation. It might be the hardest thing you'll ever do, but when it's all said and done, you'll look at yourself in a whole new light. Plus, with both or one of you getting counseling, your situation will change for the better. You will NOT HELP ANYTHING by choosing not to act in this situation. good luck

 

[M's girl]

Bi,

It's blackmail.

It's him knowing he has a strong hold over you and it's also him being even more afraid what will happen if you leave him than you are if he leaves you.

People who say they will kill themself (over you) probably never will. It's the ones that don't say these kind of things that do them.

You say you feel like a failure. Why? Because he tells you so. He makes sure you think you will be NOTHING without him. So who and what were you before you met him? Non-existing? I don't think so.

You can go back. You can do without him. No. You will be better off without him. It will hurt. A lot. But after that things will get better.

It's a pity your family is not supportive. But guess what? You have told us already you misjudged the relationship and him. If that were not true you would not have started anything with him. I'm sure of that. Now you need to tell others, maybe even your family....

People misjudge other people and situations ALL THE TIME; you're not unique in this! If your family's support is what you need right now you go back and tell them you were wrong. They will give you a hard time.... maybe.... at first, but I bet they will be there for you. Also, you can just tell them: Hey, I need to come back and lean on you guys for a while. I'm having a hard time enough as it is so I would very much appreciate it if you would not judge me at this point or ask any questions. Then you promise them you will tell all once you feel better about yourself and about the whole situation. After you get your strength back. They may surprise you Bi...

In the meantime.... you can talk to us. If you wish to, you can PM me as well. I have been in a similar relationship and got out. I KNOW how bad you feel right now and you think there is no way out, literally. But there is.

You have to make a choice, that's what it boils down to.... Please choose YOU?!

 

[human_male]

He's emotionally blackmailing you. He cares more about himself than you. Fuck him. You're not his mother, you're not responsible for him. Do what you think is best for you.

 

[bisexplicit]

Blah.

I take it back.

I love him and he is good to me.

Let's pretend I didn't make this thread, kay?

 

[Meat Whistler]

I'm with Noor - you really should think about therapy for yourself. Noor said much of what I was thinking, just in a more articulate, polite manner. I also think it might help your relationship to spend time with your boyfriend, rather than spending so much time on Lit.

 

[m.j.h]

Blah.

I take it back.

I love him and he is good to me.

Let's pretend I didn't make this thread, kay?

How about no, lets not pretend you made this thread.

What has changed or happened for the sudden reversal?

 

[warrior queen]

Blah.

I take it back.

I love him and he is good to me.

Let's pretend I didn't make this thread, kay?

well, this post certainly smacks of the classic 'manipulation of emotion' that you first outlined above!

get out while you're still able to believe yourself - if you stay, eventually you will end up second-guessing your own resposes/emotions, and if that happens, it's a very long, hard road back to finding yourself.

i know - been there, got the t-shirt

 

[Cathleen]

Bi, there is a big difference between 'he is good to me' and 'he is good for me'.

The behaviors you stated above don't seem like this relationship is good for you. Panic attacks, isolation, hopelessness and feeling like a failure are not things that show a good and stable relationship or environment. Then there is the "No one has to leave school but me, no one will understand, I can't talk to anyone because..." Bi, one of the most important lessons in life is to know we are never alone. No matter what it is, someone has experienced it, can offer something. But you have to be open to others that wish to and can help. We are never alone in our experiences.

You are young, he is much older then you. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet, financially, emotionally and physically. You are not responsible for his life, in a relationship both must come to the table strong and whole. You are not his savior, nor he yours. You deserve your dreams.

 

[m.j.h]

well, this post certainly smacks of the classic 'manipulation of emotion' that you first outlined above!

get out while you're still able to believe yourself - if you stay, eventually you will end up second-guessing your own resposes/emotions, and if that happens, it's a very long, hard road back to finding yourself.

i know - been there, got the t-shirt

Bi, there is a big difference between 'he is good to me' and 'he is good for me'.

The behaviors you stated above don't seem like this relationship is good for you. Panic attacks, isolation, hopelessness and feeling like a failure are not things that show a good and stable relationship or environment. Then there is the "No one has to leave school but me, no one will understand, I can't talk to anyone because..." Bi, one of the most important lessons in life is to know we are never alone. No matter what it is, someone has experienced it, can offer something. But you have to be open to others that wish to and can help. We are never alone in our experiences.

You are young, he is much older then you. He needs to be able to stand on his own two feet, financially, emotionally and physically. You are not responsible for his life, in a relationship both must come to the table strong and whole. You are not his savior, nor he yours. You deserve your dreams.

What they said ^^^^^^^^

 

[Guest]

 

[jethrobodeen]

Panic, anxiety, and depression are often rolled up into the same ball. The depression causes among many other things, a state of mental confusion. The panic and anxiety often seem to relate back to a sense of urgency about something. But you don't know what to do or how because your thoughts are clouded and may have an unrealistic/unauthentic negative twist to them, mostly directed at yourself.

DO NOT MAKE BIG DECISIONS WITH PERMANENT IMPACT WHEN IN THIS STATE. Go to your school counselor is great advice and can help you with problems related to being able to continue or resume classes later. But you need to get checked out by a medical doctor to rule out physical causes and begin treating your symptoms with medication(s). Don't stop there, a good cognitive behavior therapist can teach you methods to overcome panic and anxiety.

--jb

 

[silverwhisper]

bi: you should ask yourself how often he makes you feel like crap vs. how often he makes you feel invincible. if the former becomes the majority, it's time to look to new living arrangements.

i know why you want to take it all back: b/c you actually blurted out some honest to goodness truth about it and are regretting it. you know, for someone who had an am pics thread, you're awfully repressed sometimes.

ed

 

[M's girl]

bi: you should ask yourself how often he makes you feel like crap vs. how often he makes you feel invincible. if the former becomes the majority, it's time to look to new living arrangements.

i know why you want to take it all back: b/c you actually blurted out some honest to goodness truth about it and are regretting it. you know, for someone who had an am pics thread, you're awfully repressed sometimes.

ed

Yeah.... make a list. If you don't see clear now, put it on REAL paper (not in a computer) and show everyone who wants and cares to know. Start with showing yourself the evidence....

 

[bisexplicit]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their advice, comfort, etc. I know I tend to randomly dump a whole bunch of crap here - thanks for putting up with it.

 

[bisexplicit]

i'm sorry bi and i hope you don't take that harshly... but i have to just lay it on the line here.

My family and friends have told me the same thing - so it's no longer a shock.

I just wish everyone could see how good he can treat me at the same time. And I really don't think he does any of it on purpose. Heh. It feels impossible to figure out.