I was eating lunch with friends today, talking about the cops catching the sniper and the hostage situation in Moscow, and one of my friends said, "Hey, on a lighter note, I heard that Ben Affleck and J.Lo might be getting married."
"Affleck and who?" I asked.
"J.Lo."
"WHO?" I demanded.
My friend sighed. "Jennifer Lopez."
Exactly. Her name is Jennifer Lopez. Her corporate brand name is J.Lo. Hey, I'm as big a booster of capitalism as anyone. You want to market yourself and make a pile of cash, go ahead. But I am NOT going to play that game. I am not going to waste valuable brain cells by identifying a certain actress/singer/dancer/parfumieuse by TWO sets of nomenclature. Forget it.
Sean Combs wants us to call him P. Diddy. No way. I'm a grown man, and I am not going to refer to another grown man as "Diddy". Before P. Diddy he wanted to be known as Puff Daddy. No fucking way. I'm a mature adult, and there is no way I can refer to another adult as "Puff". Other than Mrs. Puff, Spongebob's driving teacher. And that's her given last name, so it's kosher.
"Wait a second," you might be saying. "Do you refer to Marshal Mathers as Eminem?" Not that I do it often, but, yes, I do. "Aha!" you might say. "Racism! It's OK for white guys to change names but not OK for African-Americans or Latinos!"
Not at all. I am perfectly willing to accept Ice-T's name, and Ice Cube's, and Chuck D's. I have no problem whatsoever calling Cassius Clay by his Muslim name, Muhammad Ali.
Why the inconsistency? Well, a lot of it is because "P.Diddy" sounds absolutely ridiculous. But I also chafe because they seem like corporate, media-friendly brand names. I abhor pre-planned corporate pseudo-spontaniety.
I can't say I have anything personal against Mr. Combs. Really not into his music, or that of his proteges. The New Yorker ran a long profile of his last month focusing mostly on his fashion career. I don't think I can pull off wearing Sean John (that's fine, it refers to the clothing line, not the man himself). Though I did like the suit he was wearing in the one picture in the profile, it was sort of the "Little Rascals" meets "New Jack City".
The J.Lo thing has spawned a whole mess of people now identifying themselves by this ridiculous construct. Watch SportsCenter and you'll see ESPN bootlick Stuart Scott referring to Chris Webber as "C-Webb" and Tracy McGrady as "T-Mac". Appalling. It must stop.
Back to Combs and Lopez. They were famously dating for awhile. Thank God they never had children. Can you imagine the PRESSURE on these kids? Let's see, Daddy is a singer/producer/fashion designer, Mommy is a singer/dancer/actress/fragrance designer. If those kids didn't have a Grammy, a runway show in Milan, and a Broadway opening before their 16th birthday they'd be considered slackers.
And why can't these folks content themselves with just being singers, or actors? Once upon a time an entertainer was considered a "triple-threat" if they could sing, dance, and act. Now that doesn't even get you a walk-though on Entertainment Tonight. You have to go into space, you have to design clothes, you have to open restaurants. I mean, it's an arms race. Are we going to see LeAnn Rimes designing the next Guggenheim museum? Will Justin Timberlake be the next Senate majority leader? Why can't these people just sing a little and make a movie or two and LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE!
"Affleck and who?" I asked.
"J.Lo."
"WHO?" I demanded.
My friend sighed. "Jennifer Lopez."
Exactly. Her name is Jennifer Lopez. Her corporate brand name is J.Lo. Hey, I'm as big a booster of capitalism as anyone. You want to market yourself and make a pile of cash, go ahead. But I am NOT going to play that game. I am not going to waste valuable brain cells by identifying a certain actress/singer/dancer/parfumieuse by TWO sets of nomenclature. Forget it.
Sean Combs wants us to call him P. Diddy. No way. I'm a grown man, and I am not going to refer to another grown man as "Diddy". Before P. Diddy he wanted to be known as Puff Daddy. No fucking way. I'm a mature adult, and there is no way I can refer to another adult as "Puff". Other than Mrs. Puff, Spongebob's driving teacher. And that's her given last name, so it's kosher.
"Wait a second," you might be saying. "Do you refer to Marshal Mathers as Eminem?" Not that I do it often, but, yes, I do. "Aha!" you might say. "Racism! It's OK for white guys to change names but not OK for African-Americans or Latinos!"
Not at all. I am perfectly willing to accept Ice-T's name, and Ice Cube's, and Chuck D's. I have no problem whatsoever calling Cassius Clay by his Muslim name, Muhammad Ali.
Why the inconsistency? Well, a lot of it is because "P.Diddy" sounds absolutely ridiculous. But I also chafe because they seem like corporate, media-friendly brand names. I abhor pre-planned corporate pseudo-spontaniety.
I can't say I have anything personal against Mr. Combs. Really not into his music, or that of his proteges. The New Yorker ran a long profile of his last month focusing mostly on his fashion career. I don't think I can pull off wearing Sean John (that's fine, it refers to the clothing line, not the man himself). Though I did like the suit he was wearing in the one picture in the profile, it was sort of the "Little Rascals" meets "New Jack City".
The J.Lo thing has spawned a whole mess of people now identifying themselves by this ridiculous construct. Watch SportsCenter and you'll see ESPN bootlick Stuart Scott referring to Chris Webber as "C-Webb" and Tracy McGrady as "T-Mac". Appalling. It must stop.
Back to Combs and Lopez. They were famously dating for awhile. Thank God they never had children. Can you imagine the PRESSURE on these kids? Let's see, Daddy is a singer/producer/fashion designer, Mommy is a singer/dancer/actress/fragrance designer. If those kids didn't have a Grammy, a runway show in Milan, and a Broadway opening before their 16th birthday they'd be considered slackers.
And why can't these folks content themselves with just being singers, or actors? Once upon a time an entertainer was considered a "triple-threat" if they could sing, dance, and act. Now that doesn't even get you a walk-though on Entertainment Tonight. You have to go into space, you have to design clothes, you have to open restaurants. I mean, it's an arms race. Are we going to see LeAnn Rimes designing the next Guggenheim museum? Will Justin Timberlake be the next Senate majority leader? Why can't these people just sing a little and make a movie or two and LEAVE US THE HELL ALONE!
