Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire.

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace..

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.

 

[SandraMustard]

okay I usually don't post on this thread even though I believe the good doc (a MANU winner) is doing a wonderful job as THREADMASTER but when our own members make inadvertent jokes (or are they?) I say why not share them?

Some comedy from two of our leading ladies commenting on the summer contest:

QUOTE tigergirl:

Which don't differ, as far as I can see, from last year's

QUOTE Laurel

- We will allow authors who have won in our monthly contests within the last 6 months to win in this special contest...

Wow! Even his sense of humor doesn't make any.

 

[TxRad]

Wow! Even his sense of humor doesn't make any.

Only in his own twisted little mind.

 

[DG Hear]

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...

Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.

The game warden told him that this was illegal.

The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Ye gods, You look wretched. Let me guess; the little woman again ?

"Yea, we had a fight and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

"And you ain't happy about it?"

"The month is up tomorrow."

 

[AirRichard101]

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear!

 

[Handley_Page]

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the
cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that
she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear!

Love it.

 

[DG Hear]

What do men and beer have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband said he wanted more space.

So I locked him outside.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.

 

[DG Hear]

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh ... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

 

[Handley_Page]

Children's Thoughts on the Sea


1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

 

[DG Hear]

Great stuff HP, really made me smile
Thank you

 

[DG Hear]

One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

 

[DG Hear]

A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"

 

[NaokoSmith]

What a nice set of laughs to come back to.

I especially liked the Bloody Computers one, having waited 35 minutes on the phone the other day to check that Piglet's accompanied flight was all in order after the company failed to send me the requisite paperwork - and being charged 10p per minute for the privilege.

No, that was not a joke, unfortunately, LOL. But I'll try and think some up while I'm sorting out three holidays' worth of laundry.

 

[desertslave]

An engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels, although they still cannot watch Breaking Bad on AMC.

One day God decides to look down on hell to see how his grand design is working out. He notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?

The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."

"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those! That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."

The Devil responds, "No way! We want to keep him around. We like him."

God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"

The Devil laughs. "And where are You going to find a lawyer?"

 

[DG Hear]

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

 

[NaokoSmith]

That one about the engineer was ace!

 

[Handley_Page]

I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me.

I get it. No need to gloat that they make more money than me.

 

[Handley_Page]

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.
She had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!

Why? Her Mother asked.

Annie said, Kate from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

Her mother answers laughingly "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!

 

[DG Hear]

I liked that HP


One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."

 

[DG Hear]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Little Johnny replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

[SandraMustard]

Little Debbie walks in on her parents and sees daddy forcibly plowing his manhood into mommy. "Mommy, what is Daddy doing to you?"

"It's okay, honey. We're playing a game and Daddy is parking his car in my garage," the woman explains. She is happy to note that Debbie seems to accept this story.

A few days later, the parents are startled by screaming coming from their daughters bedroom. Rushing in, they find Debbie on her bed with her crying younger brother covered in blood, holding his crotch. "What is going on in here?" the mother yelled.

"Me and Tommy were playing that game you showed me. He tried to park his car in my garage but we couldn't fit the wheels in so I cut them off."

 

[Handley_Page]

"So - you came in today, then. Did things go well?"

"Well, I tried that switching the machine off and on again, but that's rubbish; it didn't work. In fact, the doctors think I've probably made my husband's condition worse."

 

[DG Hear]

Little Debbie walks in on her parents and sees daddy forcibly plowing his manhood into mommy. "Mommy, what is Daddy doing to you?"

"It's okay, honey. We're playing a game and Daddy is parking his car in my garage," the woman explains. She is happy to note that Debbie seems to accept this story.

A few days later, the parents are startled by screaming coming from their daughters bedroom. Rushing in, they find Debbie on her bed with her crying younger brother covered in blood, holding his crotch. "What is going on in here?" the mother yelled.

"Me and Tommy were playing that game you showed me. He tried to park his car in my garage but we couldn't fit the wheels in so I cut them off."

OUCH! NOW THAT WOULD HURT.

 

[StrangeLife]

Another one you gotta say out loud...


Is it earwax?

No it's not.