Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

ouch!

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman gives birth. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says: "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says: "Not yet."

Finally they say: "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says: "When the baby cries."

So they ask: "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says: "I forgot where I put it!"

 

[DG Hear]

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

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What not to say to the nice policeman:

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

 

[SandraMustard]

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

 

[Handley_Page]

Why do you suppose women are so good at hockey ?

Probably because it looks a lot like vacuuming

 

[DG Hear]

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

Loved it!
Thanks for posting to the humor thread.
DG

 

[oggbashan]

I have just installed an Art Bike in my front garden as part of a local Art event.

It has a quote from Marcel Duchamp: "Peau de balle et balai de crin".

That is confusing the locals. Although many can speak French, they are not familiar with idiomatic French.

I wonder how long it will take before someone realises it means:







"Bollocks! and Fuck Off!"

 

[SandraMustard]

One Saturday morning, a man got up early, quietly dressed, made his lunch, and slipped into the garage. He hooked up a boat up to his van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so he pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. He cuddled up to his wife's back; now with a different anticipation, he whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

His loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 

[phantom4533]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BMUC4Yb4z4

 

[Handley_Page]

Him: Hey Babe, whats with all the kit in the bedroom, then ?
Her: I thought I'd spice up our love life !
Him: Okaaay; but why a paintball gun ?
Her: It's filled with Hot chilli sauce. I thought it would be nice to shoot it up your nose just before you climax
Him: Why do that ? Why - just - WHY?
Her: To enhance the pleasure
Him: Whose pleasure?
Her: Then I'm going to snap this mouse trap on your balls; after I've twisted your penis round this hot curling iron.
So: Come here, you. . .
Time to be pleasured
Him: Dear God, please make it stop. . . .

Later, from his hospital bed:
Dear Cosmo,
If you could stop giving sex tips to the ladies, that'd be really great.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer.
As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around.

The monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole!

The bartender shrieks, "Hey mister your fucking monkey ate my cue ball!".

The guy replies "yeah, he's a crazy bastard! I'll pay for everything."
The man pays for everything, apologizes and exits.

Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail cherry, jams it up his ass, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shrieks, "Mister your monkey just shoved a cherry up his ass and ate it!"

The man replies, " Yeah I know, after the cue ball, he's learned to measure
everything first!

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A couple weeks ago, my wife asked if I'd like prime rib for dinner, cooked just the way I liked it, a baked potato with all the fixings and steamed vegetables.

Being a nice guy, I replied, "It's okay, sweetheart, let's just stay home and eat."

She hasn't cooked for me since.

 

[DG Hear]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)


Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see themThey are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but goodie

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

[Handley_Page]

Dedicated to all grand-parents.

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children,
dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5
in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theatre, start talking .... we are listening !"

 

[Handley_Page]

She's on her mobile 'phone:

"Hello?
. . .
Hello?"

Her co-worker looks up and asks who did she call

"I mistakenly called a fax number instead of the voice number"

"Now you know what a woman's conversation sounds like to most men."

 

[SandraMustard]

Priceless: Mastercard Commercial

 

[DG Hear]

A lonely frog, desparate for some form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

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A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"

 

[Handley_Page]

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired, engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1 -
knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

 

[Handley_Page]

Seven of the Toughest Women in History

Generally, men get most of the credit for being the tough ones out there fighting wars, conquering uncharted wilderness and other testosterone driven stuff. (Mostly we do it to impress women.) However, nobody's denying that women aren't tough as well. Certainly, most guys would probably cry like babies and complain to no end if they had to go through child birth. Here are seven women who gave men a run for their money and went down in history as well, badasses. Which is pretty hot.

7. Anne Bonny

The sea ferrying criminal trade of piracy hasn't always been exclusive to men with eye patches or Somalis wearing flip flops and "Spring Break '96" t-shirts. Anne Bonny was what you might consider a bit of a delinquent. She supposedly stabbed a servant girl in the stomach with a knife at age 13 and soon began having flings with sailors and male pirates before becoming a swashbuckler herself. Between roughly 1714-1720 she reigned terror in the Caribbean with the best of sea dogs before being captured and pleading for the mercy of her unborn child to avoid hanging.

6. Belle Starr

Some people are bound to go against the grain of society no matter how they're raised. Belle Starr was one of those girls. Belle (born as Myra) went for the bad boys and hung out with the infamous Jesse James before marrying her second criminal husband, a horse thief and bootlegger by the name of Sam Starr. An ace with a pistol, the two love birds turned to a life of crime, but got busted and were sentenced to nine months in a Detroit prison. Belle was murdered two days before her 41st birthday in 1889 in Oklahoma. The murder was never solved, but her husband and both children were questioned as suspects.

5. Tomoe Gozen

One of the few and quite possibly the most famous of Japan's female samurai warriors, Tomoe Gozen fought alongside her husband in the Genpei War in 1180 A.D. Historians describe Tomoe as being incredibly beautiful and equally as deadly. A renowned swordswoman and archer, she was also a skilled rider in battle against the rival Taira samurai clan and their leader Minamoto no Yoritomo. Records of Tomoe's death aren't exactly clear, but she reportedly took the head of an enemy at the Battle of Awazu before giving up the sword to live a peaceful less bloody life. Regardless, probably not a girl you wanted to piss off.

4. Joan of Arc

I've got a feeling that if Joan of Arc had grown up in the 20th century she probably wouldn't have been a cheerleader, but would have been challenging any guy on her school's wrestling team instead. A peasant girl from France, Joan believed she was chosen by God to recover her homeland from English power during the Hundred Years War (1337-1453). While most 16-yr old peasant girls were probably milking cows and fawning over whatever of the equivalent of Twilight was in the Middle Ages, Joan was petitioning the royal court. Definitely not an underachiever, she led the French army to several victories before being captured and burned at the stake by the English at 19 years old.

3. Kate Marsden

Women are nurturers and Kate Marsden took this to the extreme. A nurse who cared for the injured on the battlefield during the war between Russia and Turkey in the late 1800s, she was determined to help the suffering Russian lepers. Ever the go-getter, Kate packed up her sled and rode on horseback across 2,000 miles of Siberian wilderness in search of medicine. Taking only, a whip, pistol and food items she risked bear attacks, malaria and robbers. Sort of like an extreme real version of the computer game "Oregon Trail." Only when you get typhoid you can't just hit reset and start over.

2. Boudica

Queen of a Celtic tribe (the Iceni), Boudica didn't exactly lie down quietly and sit on her bum after her husband died and Roman soldiers had their way with her and her daughters. Probably the earliest inspiration for those Lifetime movies where the woman goes all vigilante ass-kicker, Boudica and her tribe destroyed several Roman settlements and temples. As her forces grew, she went on to destroy three cities including London and kill nearly 80,000 people; sparing nobody. With all that pillaging and razing it's no surprise that Boudica's name means "victory."

1. Annie Oakley

Somebody once told Annie Oakley that if she got a Red Ryder BB gun she'd shoot her eye out... she shot their eye out instead. She could supposedly split a playing card edge and put six holes in it before it touched the ground with a .22 rifle from 90 feet away. Born into poverty in Ohio, Annie began hunting at age six to support her siblings and widowed mother before rising to fame as a sharp shooter with "Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show" in 1885. During her career she performed for Presidents, Queens and taught upwards of 15,000 women how to use a gun. Because of this skill she also NEVER lost any argument with her husband.

 

[Handley_Page]

Insults:

Diarrhoea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.

She thinks the rear view mirror is for putting on make-up.

Do you want do die stupid?

Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?

Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

 

[DG Hear]

Insult;

I remember the movie "Blackboard Jungle" when The main charactor takes a guys parking space at their high school. The guy starts to argue when he's told.
"You have 32 teeth, do you want to try for none?"

I've always remember that one and even used it a couple of times in my younger years.

 

[DG Hear]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

[Handley_Page]

I think I might be getting laid tonight.

Rose petals on the bed, romantic music in the background.

But what's really giving it away is the way my naked cell-mate is winking at me while he's slowly stroking his large erection

 

[Handley_Page]

Research indicates that the average bloke has sex 2580 times during his lifetime.
Statistically, this means I'll live until I'm 274.

 

[DG Hear]

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.

The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."

The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."

They then asked the woman, "What are you?"

She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."