Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Usual Suspicions

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You’re running around with another woman— admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You’re it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

What did the elephant say the first time he saw Adam in the Garden of Eden?

"Yo, how do you breath through that thing?"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A nun was taking a shortcut back to the convent through the park after dark. A man jumped out, pulled her behind some bushes, and had his way with her. When he was finished, he looked down at the nun and asked, "So what are you going to tell your sisters at the convent?"

"The truth," replied the nun. "I was taking a shortcut, a man jumped out and raped me twice, unless you're tired."

 

[DG Hear]

Minor Procedure

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can’t have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."

 

[Tarakin]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

 

[DG Hear]

Working it Out

One friend complained to another, "All my husband and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds."

"If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?" asked the second friend.

"I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A drunk man stumbles into a bar through the back door and tries to order the drink. The bartender shakes his head, "Sorry buddy, I can't serve you if you're already drunk." And the man stumbles out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door, trying to order a drink. "Dude, I told you, I can't serve you if you're already drunk. Get out." The drunk stumbles out the side door.

A few minutes later, the drunk wobbles through the front door and the bartender stops him before he gets any farther. "Hey! I told you, no more alcohol, are we going to have a problem?"

"Just one," slurs the man. "How many bars do you work at?"

 

[DG Hear]

Pick Me Up

I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: "You’re a great artist," "You’re a wonderful equestrian," "You’re the most beautiful woman I know."

One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. "How do I cheer up a horse?" I asked.

He shared his secret: "Tell her she’s good at stuff and that she looks beautiful."

 

[BuckyDuckman]

Ace the field mouse was convinced he was the greatest cocksman in the jungle. To prove it, he set out to fuck every creature in the jungle, starting with an elephant. His friends laughed at him as he waited for a female elephant to walk by. Once she did, Ace got in position beneath the elephant's tail, determined to give her the ride of her life while his friends cheered him on.

Startled by the group of field mice (Ace's friends), the elephant panicked, ran, and while running, she bumped her head on a low hanging branch. "Ouch!" she cried out.

And from behind her, if you listened carefully, you could hear the tiny field mouse telling her, "Take it, bitch. Take it!"

 

[BuckyDuckman]

With a visit to the nunnery expected by the Cardinal, the Mother Superior asked the women in her charge to tidy-up their rooms, including painting them. The strict order was a throwback to other times and all the sisters serving were required to wear the black, penquin habits of old. Two of the sisters who shared a room were concerned about painting in their habits.

"It's just the two of us. We could paint naked," suggested one. It seemed like a good solution, so they both disrobed and began painting.

They were less than halfway done with their room when there was a knock at the their door. "Who's there?" asked one of the sisters.

"The blind man," called the male voice from the other side of the room. "I need to come inside."

The sisters exchanged a glance, shrugged, and didn't bother to dress when they opened the door. Afterall, what could a blind man see? And when she opened the door, the man looked at her naked body and said, "Nice tits. Hey, hanging up these new blinds will only take a minute."

 

[fifty5]

Here is a UK response

In UK English counting this is even more pronounced:
Letters 'b' and 'c' do not appear anywhere in the
spellings of 1 to 999,999,999,999(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)
since in English counting 1,000,000,000 is a milliard and 1,000,000,000,000 is a billion.

'c', however, does appear in the names at a decillion which is 1 followed by 33 zeros in the USA and 1 followed by 60 zeros in the UK.

As I understand it, Harold Wilson (otherwise a Good Guy) adopted the "short" form of counting *illions.

To me, that's silly. A Million uses the same prefix as mono, so a Billion ought to be a million squared (just like a bicycle has two wheels), similarly a trillion (cf 'tri' as in tricycle) ought to be a million cubed, a quadrillion should be a million to the power 4 and so on. That's called the "long" form.

The form '*illiard' is derived from the French - in British English, 1,000,000,000 isn't a milliard, but a thousand million.

The UK used to get this right, but since Harold we, officially, share the same mistake as the US, making numbers (see pints, quarts, etc.) appear bigger than they should.

An English old fart,

f5

 

[DG Hear]

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’"

"Monogamy," he answered.

 

[mynameisben]

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’"

"Monogamy," he answered.

Monotony?

 

[SweetMaj]

A Wrong Answer

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband’s help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is ‘tiresome sameness.’"

"Monogamy," he answered.

My guess was Monopoly.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

My guess was Monopoly.

monogamy is just the monotony of sexual monopoly.

 

[SweetMaj]

monogamy is just the monotony of sexual monopoly.

After reading this twice I agree.

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions."

A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends, having a few drinks, and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was, they waved it past.

So I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it!

 

[DG Hear]

Here To Stay

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he’d just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won’t go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

 

[huahu555]

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. http://medicinedegrees.info

 

[Boxlicker101]

Blonde Joke
byBoxlicker101©


One balmy summer night my girl and I went out to park.
The weather was just perfect and the moonless night was dark.
The hugging and the kissing were so good they promised lots.
And when the petting started, I could tell she had the hots.

The back seat of my auto seemed to me to be okay
For making love or fucking or whatever you might say.
I whispered to her telling how the back seat was divine.
She shook her blonde head, telling me, “Oh, no, up here is fine.”

Our making out continued and I took off her brassiere
And once again she told me what I didn’t want to hear.
When I suggested that the back seat was the place to go
You guessed it; she responded with a most emphatic no.

Her dress was all unbuttoned and her nips were like a rock.
Her panty crotch was soaking; she was playing with my cock.
And once again I mentioned that the back seat would be good.
And once again she told me that she didn’t think she would.

I told her that the back seat was a better place to be.
I told her how the steering wheel was bumping into me.
“Why don’t you want to get into the back, my Cutie-sweets?
“Because,” she said, “How can we fuck if we’re in different seats?”

 

[phantom4533]

Blonde Joke
byBoxlicker101©


One balmy summer night my girl and I went out to park.
The weather was just perfect and the moonless night was dark.
The hugging and the kissing were so good they promised lots.
And when the petting started, I could tell she had the hots.

The back seat of my auto seemed to me to be okay
For making love or fucking or whatever you might say.
I whispered to her telling how the back seat was divine.
She shook her blonde head, telling me, “Oh, no, up here is fine.”

Our making out continued and I took off her brassiere
And once again she told me what I didn’t want to hear.
When I suggested that the back seat was the place to go
You guessed it; she responded with a most emphatic no.

Her dress was all unbuttoned and her nips were like a rock.
Her panty crotch was soaking; she was playing with my cock.
And once again I mentioned that the back seat would be good.
And once again she told me that she didn’t think she would.

I told her that the back seat was a better place to be.
I told her how the steering wheel was bumping into me.
“Why don’t you want to get into the back, my Cutie-sweets?
“Because,” she said, “How can we fuck if we’re in different seats?”

That brought forth a chuckle. Thanks!

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A farmer needed half a dozen new roosters to service his hens and went to market to buy one. But the salesman at the market said, "You don't six new roosters, you need just one." The farmer laughed, said he had been in the business for a long time, and knew his business. The salesman was insistent. "Not just any rooster, but THIS rooster."

The bird was the ugliest, scrawniest rooster the farmer had ever seen. He was ready to dismiss it when the salesman said, "Trust me, this cock is a fucking machine and I'll let you have him for next to nothing. Just promise me one thing, keep him locked in your hen house."

The farmer took the rooster home, tossed him into the hen house, and went about his chores to the sounds of lucky hens being mounted. As the day wore on, the sounds never ended. Long into the evening, the sounds continued until the farmer caught the rooster and had a talk with him. "Look, if you don't slow down, you're going to fuck yourself to death." The rooster squirmed away and got back to business - all night long.

It wasn't until the next morning that the sounds stopped from the hen house only to be replaced with sounds from pasture where the farmer kept his cows. Sure enough, the rooster had left the hen house and was trying to service the farmer's cows. From there, the rooster moved on to pigs, the ducks on the pond, the horses, and even chased the farmer's wife until the farmer once again grabbed the bird.

"Look, if you keep this up, you're going to fuck yourself to death!"

The rooster squirmed away and went back to work inside the hen house, then the pasture, the pig pen, the ducks on the pond, and horses in the stables. On and on it went for days until one morning the farmer woke up to a farm quiet from the sounds of the constant fucking.

When investigating the odd quiet, the farmer found the amorous rooster laying on his back in the middle of the yard. The bird looked dead. Feet up in the air. Eye's closed. Buzzards circling overhead. The farmer stood over the deceased bird, shook his head, and muttered, "I told you. You fucked yourself to death."

Just then the rooster opened his eyes, looked at the farmer, and made a "sh!" gesture before pointing up to the buzzards.





So what do you get when you cross a chicken and gumball machine? Chicklets
A chicken and a cow? Eggnog.
A chicken and the farmer's wife? Eggheads.

 

[Handley_Page]

A farmer needed half a dozen new roosters to service his hens and went to market to buy one. But the salesman at the market said, "You don't six new roosters, you need just one." The farmer laughed, said he had been in the business for a long time, and knew his business. The salesman was insistent. "Not just any rooster, but THIS rooster."

The bird was the ugliest, scrawniest rooster the farmer had ever seen. He was ready to dismiss it when the salesman said, "Trust me, this cock is a fucking machine and I'll let you have him for next to nothing. Just promise me one thing, keep him locked in your hen house."

The farmer took the rooster home, tossed him into the hen house, and went about his chores to the sounds of lucky hens being mounted. As the day wore on, the sounds never ended. Long into the evening, the sounds continued until the farmer caught the rooster and had a talk with him. "Look, if you don't slow down, you're going to fuck yourself to death." The rooster squirmed away and got back to business - all night long.

It wasn't until the next morning that the sounds stopped from the hen house only to be replaced with sounds from pasture where the farmer kept his cows. Sure enough, the rooster had left the hen house and was trying to service the farmer's cows. From there, the rooster moved on to pigs, the ducks on the pond, the horses, and even chased the farmer's wife until the farmer once again grabbed the bird.

"Look, if you keep this up, you're going to fuck yourself to death!"

The rooster squirmed away and went back to work inside the hen house, then the pasture, the pig pen, the ducks on the pond, and horses in the stables. On and on it went for days until one morning the farmer woke up to a farm quiet from the sounds of the constant fucking.

When investigating the odd quiet, the farmer found the amorous rooster laying on his back in the middle of the yard. The bird looked dead. Feet up in the air. Eye's closed. Buzzards circling overhead. The farmer stood over the deceased bird, shook his head, and muttered, "I told you. You fucked yourself to death."

Just then the rooster opened his eyes, looked at the farmer, and made a "sh!" gesture before pointing up to the buzzards.

I had a different ending for that.

The rooster opens one eye, and points a feather at the buzzards and says, "more to come".

 

[BuckyDuckman]

I had a different ending for that.

The rooster opens one eye, and points a feather at the buzzards and says, "more to come".

Yeah, I've heard it that way before, too. I don't know why, but I didn't want to make the rooster too human. LOL.

 

[BuckyDuckman]

A man's walking down a country road in days gone by, coming back from market with a rooster under his arm. The old cock squirms and wrestles with the man, but he does his part to keep hold of his new prize. Along the way, he passes a farmer with the most exotic bird he has ever seen. It's a silvery pullet hen and the man decides he has to have it. So he strikes a fair deal with the farmer and continues his walk back home with the rooster under one arm and the pullet hen beneath his other arm.

Loaded down with the two fowl had put him in a foul mood, so he was relieved to find another farmer with a donkey for sale. He asks the farmer how much for the donkey and he's quickly informed, "That damn mule isn't a donkey, it's a jack-ass and if you want to buy it, I'll make you a deal. But I'll let you know, that damn ass gets stubborn sometimes. If he stops on you, you'll have to scratch his belly until he's ready to go again. Got it?" The man is tired of walking and makes the deal.

So, down the road he heads, happy with a successful day that gets only better when he passes a pretty woman sunning herself on a fence by the road. He smiles at the pretty girl and as the jackass draws closer to the girl, he stops. He won't move and man remembers what the farmer told him. So he politely asks the woman, "Pardon me, would you hold my cock and pullet while I get off and scratch my ass?"