Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

More bad ones

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
When eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.

Did you hear about the man who farted in church?
They made him sit in his own pew.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 

[Weird Harold]

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

[TxRad]

Police & Red Neck news flash:

Due to the high cost of ammo, warn shots will no longer be fired.

 

[DG Hear]

A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, "Frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?"

"I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!"

 

[Handley_Page]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music.

No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."

 

[SweetMaj]

A six year old boy enters the living room and asks his father, "Daddy - what's Viagra?"

The father look up from the newspaper and answers, "That's some pills I take because your mother is so ugly."

 

[DG Hear]

A six year old boy enters the living room and asks his father, "Daddy - what's Viagra?"

The father look up from the newspaper and answers, "That's some pills I take because your mother is so ugly."

I liked it! Made me laugh. haha
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Classes for Women

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7 PM.

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12 lunchtime for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Clothes Shop Without Stopping?
Group Debate. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Meets Monday at 8 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch - They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windscreen
Tuesdays at 7 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7 PM.

 

[DG Hear]

What did Eve do when Adam came home late?
Counted his ribs.

What computers did God put in the garden of eden?
Eve had an apple and Adam had a Wang.


You think your shit don't stink but your farts give you away.

 

[Handley_Page]

You Know You Live in CA, NYC, NY, CO, Deep South. . . . .

You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

[DG Hear]

QUOTED

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

Hey Handley, lots of truth here. haha
DG

 

[phantom4533]

There are 5 inmates at an asylum: a rapist, a murderer, a necrophyliac, an arsonist, and a sado-masochist.

They are sitting in an a fenced-in courtyard when a cat happens to walk past.

The rapist says "Lets fuck the cat!"

The murderer says "Lets fuck the cat and then kill the cat!"

The necrophyliac says "Lets fuck the cat, kill the cat, then fuck the cat again!"

The arsonist says "Lets fuck the cat, kill the cat, fuck the cat again, then set it on fire!"

The sado-masochist says "Meow"

 

[Handley_Page]

She: "I'm back from doing the Grocery shopping"
He, doing his thing: "Oh - OK"

She: "I saw a loaf with your name on it"
He, as he looks up in some surprise: "What - Really?"

She: "Well, I looked at it and saw my mistake; it actually said - 'Thick Cut' "

 

[Handley_Page]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mum," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be
doing 500 hours of community service?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty - except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence...

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' Persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied; 'Been married to your ****ing sister for 48 years...'

 

[Sxegamergirl]

Nothing to add I just wanted to say thanks. Finding this thread just made my day

 

[phantom4533]

Hi, there, sxegamergirl. Glad you found a place that could brighten your day, put a grin on your face and make you laugh until you fall over.

 

[Handley_Page]

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has been fined a half
million dollars for spying on other teams and stealing their signals.

He says he thought it was legal under the "Patriots Act."

 

[DG Hear]

Polish Diet

A Polish fellow was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly
again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Polish guy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
40lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The
Polish guy nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
on that 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from all that skipping.'

 

[YoursSINSerely]

State Mottos--It's a Joke!

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Lituracy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.Where men are men, and half the girls are too.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts, only smaller.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
( Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes

Mississippi
Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.

Texas
Se Hable Ingles

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Where Our Governor & Legislature ignore our State Constitution

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
(Home of Brokeback Mtn.)

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place!

 

[ken113]

Lipstick in school

According to a news report some time back, a certain private school in Brisbane was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after putting it on they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to demonstrate how much effort was required.

He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

[Handley_Page]

Man A is looking really dejected and his mate tries to cheer him up by enquiring:
"What's up?"

"I just had a big row with my girlfriend. She called me a terrible person"

His mate looked really puzzled: " 'Girlfriend'? I though you were married?"

"Oh Hell, don't you start on me, too"

 

[DG Hear]

Daddy,, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ....






You got Male!

 

[Handley_Page]

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class "children, if
you know the answer, please raise your hand!

Tell me things you can suck! After several children had answers such as a
popsicle and a lollypop, Johnny called out, "A lamp."

The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"

"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom," Little Johnny
answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it."

 

[Handley_Page]

THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING RAISED IN MISSOURI


Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Missouri

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Missouri , plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

'Twiced' is a word.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.'
There is only dinner and then supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

'Backwards and forwards' means I know everything about you!

Djeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in hours. Like its 3 hours from Springfield to St. Louis.

You'll probably have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixin' to go to the store.'

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

Yes, Friday night high school football games is serious football!

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Miracle Whip and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

100 degrees Fahrenheit is 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite pastime known as 'goin' to Wally-World.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop. .. . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kind a coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . .. . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes, please forward them to your friends from Missouri (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can't be from Missouri.
You might say it's a gift from God!

And the most important thing we learned growing up in Missouri is...

IN GOD WE TRUST