Humor Thread

[ga400us]

One afternoon a Lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men Along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one Man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to Eat grass."

"Well, then,you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
The lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
There, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us,
Also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also
Have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a
Car as large as the limousine was.

Once under Way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and
Said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

C'mon, you didn't really think there was any such thing as a "heart-warming lawyer story" did you?

 

[Handley_Page]

Fred: How did you get that black eye?
George: My wife has taught me a life lesson
Fred: And what was that?
George: When your wife says 'what' it's not because she didn't hear you;
she's giving you a chance to change what you said.

 

[Handley_Page]

The relative was suitable dignified and he tendered a casket to the new widow.
"I'm not sure," he said, "what the correct procedure is for internment of a toupee; it was all that was found after the smoke cleared"
The widow, appropriately dressed in voluminous black, said quietly: "Yes, is is a hair-loom"

 

[DG Hear]

Deep thoughts

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

[ga400us]

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a super brain:

I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers…

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

Easy as cake.

 

[SweetMaj]

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a super brain:

I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers…

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

Easy as cake.

1 7H1NK 7H15 H45 B33N PO5737 B3FOR3.

 

[ga400us]

1 7H1NK 7H15 H45 B33N PO5737 B3FOR3.

5ORRY

 

[ga400us]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

 

[Handley_Page]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

[off topic]
The old ones are the best !
[on topic]

 

[DG Hear]

Bad Jokes

How do you define adultery?
Putting yourself in someone else's position.

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was
Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

(More to come) Some recycled, we do al lot of that here but that's ok
DG

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one

Oldie but goodie To our new posters. Never worry about if your joke has posted before. We have thousands of joke here and I'm sure many have been posted more than once. Most reader just read the lastest ones so if you have any favorites, just post them here.
Thank you
DG Hear
***********

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken
Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again,
the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."

 

[ga400us]

Bigamy is having one wife too many.

So is monogamy.

 

[DG Hear]

This really is funny; I hope you think so too and enjoy it.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said,"It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only$4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus:

The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard.
A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was,"What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone.Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

 

[DG Hear]

whats the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
one says ribbit, ribbit, one says rubbit rubbit!

Why did Richard Cody change his name to William?
He didn't want to be known as Buffalo Dick.

Did you all hear about the new breakfast cereal for impotent men?
Its called: Nut n Raisin Honey!

A couple were in bed and the wife was getting horny, so she
said to her hubby, who was a laundryman, that shed like a
quick rinse and spin.
Too late, honey, he said, I had a small load so i did it by hand.

A horny man went to his wife's bed carrying a glass of water
and an aspirin.
But I don't have a headache honey! she said.
Gotcha!

 

[ga400us]

A horny man went to his wife's bed carrying a glass of water
and an aspirin.
But I don't have a headache honey! she said.
Gotcha!

Priceless!

 

[Cinner]

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a super brain:

I’ve seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I’ve seen it with numbers…

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

Easy as cake.

Is this for real? I read it almost effortlessly. I'm wondering if I'm not slightly dyslexic.

 

[ga400us]

Is this for real? I read it almost effortlessly. I'm wondering if I'm not slightly dyslexic.

Not sure but it did come easy to me as well.

 

[PayDay]

Agreed, sans the dislexia

Is this for real? I read it almost effortlessly. I'm wondering if I'm not slightly dyslexic.

']['l?.7 l?.3@[)][|\|(-; ']['4][$

@|>|>@l?.3|\|']['|_7 ]['][' ][$ [)][|=|=][((_)|_'][' ()l?. $()]V[3']['4][|\|(-;

...but I dunno... I thought it was easy too.

 

[DG Hear]

More bad jokes

What can you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
To floss your teeth with after eating.

What's the difference between pussy and parsley?
Nobody eats parsley.

What is the sign of a macho woman?
She kick starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

 

[ga400us]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks
him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my
place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting
down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding! I'm in Congress too.
What state are you from?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Office Memo

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

 

[ga400us]

Predator Warning for Men

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Alert every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

 

[PayDay]

What's grosser than gross?

Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
To floss your teeth with after eating.

Ew. That was so great, it made me dry heave a little while I was laughing.

 

[DG Hear]

More bad jokes

How does Pinocchio make love to his wife?
She sits on his face and he starts telling lies.

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
When eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.

Did you hear about the man who farted in church?
They made him sit in his own pew.

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

 

[Handley_Page]

The two ladies were talking in the Kitchen.

"You know what my husband has bought me for Christmas?" said the first.

"No. is it nice, and expensive?" replied the second.

"No it damn well isn't, " fumed the first one, "It's a bloody Bathroom scale!"

"What you going to get him?"

"I've bought him a ruler".