Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section .. buy a dog.

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbour was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13 Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

 

[DG Hear]

Puns Intended

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


7. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



8. Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.


9. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said,
'Keep off the Grass.'


10. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


There was a person who sent ten puns to friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 

[DG Hear]

Pretty cool

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

 

[Handley_Page]

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

My Brain 'urts. . . . .

 

[CarlusMagnus]

My Brain 'urts. . . . .

M1N3 D035N'7.

 

[dawei]

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

PR377Y C00L 57UFF!

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” and he came running in.

“Bruce, I’ve bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said.

“S’truth, Sheila!” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl. I’ll go across the road and get me mate Cobber.”

They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.

“No way, we can’t do it!” Cobber said, “So let’s try Plan B.”

“Plan B?” exclaimed Bruce, “What’s that?”

“I’ll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her.” replied Cobber.

“Spot on.” Bruce said, “While you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.”

“Play with her nipples?” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!”

“No…” Bruce replied, “But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!”

 

[DG Hear]

HEALTH MESSAGE:

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, barely walks & does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

And you want me to Exercise?!

 

[JackLuis]

Video of News Anchor Fails

 

[DG Hear]

Pun Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but
I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office,
and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man,
this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call
went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[SweetMaj]

Pun Intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm,
and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but
I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week, and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the
other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office,
and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting
in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later,
Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins!
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his
odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man,
this is so bad, it's good), a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed
by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call
went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns
would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Good one, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but Goodie

Difference between Potentially and Reality...

Youngest son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and " in reality"?

Dad: I will show you...

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars? Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!

Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Wow! Yes! Sure! Always dream off...

So the father turns back to his son saying:
You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 2 million dollars, but "in reality" we are living with 2 sluts...

 

[PayDay]

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:


7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

psssht... -:: |\|() 1337. 1@|V|3 ::-

 

[Handley_Page]

in poor, dialect, sort-of London English.

If you can understand it!

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that.
Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel.
She's like "Oo ya lookin at?"
Gabriel just goes "You got one up the duff, you have"
Mary's totally gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large "Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no kappa slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"
So Mary goes ad sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like "Orright Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get."
Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're right"
Mary and Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlem on that.
They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
To have her bay-bee an' that.
But there ain't no room at the inn, innit?
So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like "Respect bay bee Jesus" an' say they're wise men from the East End .
Joe goes "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?"
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like "The police is comin' an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt ."
Joe goes "You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey."
Gabriel sez "Suit yerself pal. But its yer look out if you stay."
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killing the first borns an' its safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazref an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

 

[PayDay]

Pro

If you can understand it!

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that.
Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel.
She's like "Oo ya lookin at?"
Gabriel just goes "You got one up the duff, you have"
Mary's totally gobsmacked.
She gives it to him large "Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no kappa slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"
So Mary goes ad sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.
She's like "Orright Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonna get."
Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're right"
Mary and Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlem on that.
They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah?
To have her bay-bee an' that.
But there ain't no room at the inn, innit?
So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.
They're like "Respect bay bee Jesus" an' say they're wise men from the East End .
Joe goes "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?"
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.
He's like "The police is comin' an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt ."
Joe goes "You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey."
Gabriel sez "Suit yerself pal. But its yer look out if you stay."
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killing the first borns an' its safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazref an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

T3]-[ 1337 -------^

 

[DG Hear]

T3]-[ 1337 -------^

Ok Payday, What does it say? stumped on the 1337, ieet?

Also this one. psssht... -:: |\|() 1337. 1@|V|3 ::-
DG

 

[PayDay]

Secret Society BS

Ok Payday, What does it say? stumped on the 1337, ieet?

Also this one. psssht... -:: |\|() 1337. 1@|V|3 ::-
DG

If I told you, heavily armed ninjas would parachute onto your roof and perform murderdeathkilling including all kinds of other badness.

Sorry, decoder rings don't work either

 

[Trinique_Fire]

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Panther.
Panther Who?
Panther no panth, I'm coming in!

 

[OzDave]

Ok Payday, What does it say? stumped on the 1337, ieet?

Also this one. psssht... -:: |\|() 1337. 1@|V|3 ::-
DG

I thought it might be W4NK3R

 

[Handley_Page]

Fred was sitting at his desk, tinkering with his brand new phone.
George say: "That's looks a good one."
"Yes" says Fred, "I'm transferring my contacts across"
"You know," says George, "I have saved my girl-friend's number as "Low Battery", so if I'm not around, my wife takes the phone and puts it on the charger."

 

[Handley_Page]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 

[PayDay]

um...

I thought it might be W4NK3R

VV@]\|l<3|?.

 

[PayDay]

Did you hear?

So did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called: On & On Anon.

-stolen from 'Parting Shots' in the AL magazine.

 

[DG Hear]

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

 

[PayDay]

1st signature.

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

I am starting the petition for this card to actually be made. I would buy the hell out of them.

And now the joke. A friend of mine said this to me the other day when we saw a new Underworld movie was coming out. I've been laughing about it since.

PayDay: "So which one would you be? Or would you pick the fake-ass mix?"

My friend: "I don't know, man. Either or. I would be a vampire or werewolf, it's all the same. No matter what I could live forever and fuck shit up."