Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

A quick lesson in Economics in the Euro Zone.

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?".

The Spaniard replied "No".

 

[DG Hear]

Shampoo versus Dawn - Check your shampoo bottle label.

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner.
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:
FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY ---
No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads,
DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved.
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!

 

[monsterrdude]

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure
called 'The Knob.' Where a small knob is placed at the
top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her
skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
with two problems.


'All these years, everything has been working just
fine.. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the
results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking
about the goatee.'

 

[monsterrdude]

THESE ARE ENTRIES FROM A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH A MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND A LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:




1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[DG Hear]

A guy goes to his doctor. "Doc, I'm having trouble in the bedroom. I just can't get into it with my wife any more."

The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."

The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."

The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"

 

[DG Hear]

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

“Your wife must like rolls,” he said.

“How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.

“Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”

****

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. “Can’t you live within your income?” asked the judge.

“No, Your Honor,” she said. “It’s all I can do to live within my credit.”

****

As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off. My seven-year-old grandson was awed.

“Wow!” yelled Casey. “This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people.”

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

One day, Mrs. Cunningham decided to have the children in her kindergarten class identify the flavors of a pack of lifesavers. She handed the candies out, and soon they had decided that the red candies tasted like cherries, the yellow like lemons, the green like limes, and the orange like oranges.

Next, Mrs. Cunningham gave them all honey-flavored lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste, and after many incorrect guesses, Mrs. Cunningham said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl started jumping up and down in her seat, and raised her hand.

When Mrs. Cunningham called on her, she shouted, "I know! I know! They taste like ass-holes!"

 

[SweetMaj]

One day, Mrs. Cunningham decided to have the children in her kindergarten class identify the flavors of a pack of lifesavers. She handed the candies out, and soon they had decided that the red candies tasted like cherries, the yellow like lemons, the green like limes, and the orange like oranges.

Next, Mrs. Cunningham gave them all honey-flavored lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste, and after many incorrect guesses, Mrs. Cunningham said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl started jumping up and down in her seat, and raised her hand.

When Mrs. Cunningham called on her, she shouted, "I know! I know! They taste like ass-holes!"

I love it, Tatyana!

 

[DG Hear]

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

 

[DG Hear]

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

 

[Handley_Page]

It happened in an Underground station in London.


There were protesters on the concourse handing out pamphlets on the evils of Britain . I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman behind me was getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Madam, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?'

The elderly woman looked up at her and said,
'My dear, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea and my grandson in Afghanistan . All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your a*se and open it..'

God Bless Great Britain

 

[DG Hear]

Turkey Greetings

May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ' n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
MAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED THANKSGIVING!

 

[SweetMaj]

Turkey Greetings

May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ' n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
MAY YOU HAVE A BLESSED THANKSGIVING!

I have a very nice pie...

Happy Thanksgiving to you also, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

I have a very nice pie...

Happy Thanksgiving to you also, DG!

Yep! I'd like to taste your pie.

 

[DG Hear]

Gun Control

> Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in West
> Virginia, asked the audience for total quiet.
>
> Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few
> seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
> Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands
> together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
>
> Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl, pierced the
> quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
>

 

[DG Hear]

Three golfers are walking down the fairway.
>
> "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
> like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
>
> "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
> have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on
> the toilet all day and nothing happens."
>
> "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
>
> "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old..
>
> "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at
> all."
>
> "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-0ld.
>
> "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
>
> Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee
> every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so
> tough about being 80?"
>
> "I don't wake up until seven."

 

[SweetMaj]

Three golfers are walking down the fairway.
>
> "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel
> like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
>
> "Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't
> have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on
> the toilet all day and nothing happens."
>
> "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
>
> "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old..
>
> "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at
> all."
>
> "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" asked the 70-year-0ld.
>
> "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
>
> Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee
> every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so
> tough about being 80?"
>
> "I don't wake up until seven."

I love the expression 'Pee like a racehorse'!

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job, so he decided that he needed a career change. He had always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he thought he'd become a mechanic.

He went to mechanics school for an eight-month course. The final test was to strip an engine down completely, and then reassemble it in perfect working order.

After the gynecologist had taken the test, he anxiously awaited his results.

On the day he received the results, he got quite a surprise. His test received the highest mark in the class — 150 percent. Since this seemed impossible, he quickly phoned the instructor to ask about the possibility of an error in his published test result.

“No, that's right,” the instructor answered, explaining his marking. “ First, I gave you 50 percent for stripping down the engine — a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50 percent for reassembling it — a fantastic job really.

“And finally I gave you a 50 percent bonus for doing it all through the tail pipe.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

 

[DG Hear]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

FUNNY HANDLEY, YOU GOT ME ON THAT ONE.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

 

[DG Hear]

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

I love these short ones, Handley. They make me smile, I like to smile.
Your Humor friend
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

I'm all for women taking the initiative, but girls... there are times when we should accept that the relationship is over and just walk away.

If any of the below strike a chord, you might want to pack away the violin and go home.

1. You think you see him everywhere.

2. He hasn't returned your last 237 messages. You know, because you have checked 1892 times.

3. He no longer comes to his window. Even when the little rocks you throw start breaking the glass.

4. You phone his house when he is out, just to hear his voice on the answering machine.

5. His best friend phones to tell you to back off.

6. His mom phones to beg you to back off.

7. The sheriff delivers papers which legally require you to back off. You are sure they made some mistake.

8. He no longer appears in your friends' list, contacts' list, followers' list and etc.

9. His Facebook profile has become mysteriously inaccessible.

10. No one else has joined your group: "Tom is my God."

11. You have made a small shrine to him, facing east.

12. You are making a scrapbook of photos of the two of you together, PhotoShop-style.

13. He won't take your last Rolo.

 

[Handley_Page]

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat"

 

[Handley_Page]

People think that I’m quiet because I’m shy ...

But really I’ve been silently judging them from afar and determining that they’re all effing retards.