Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Keep the gray matter active

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
8. What was the President's Name in 1975?
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answers Below.....



Here are the Answers
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name? Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh? Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world? Answer: Mt. Everest ; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet? Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly? Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible? Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President's Name in 1975? Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now? Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"? Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field? Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
You can go back to sleep now.

 

[Handley_Page]

Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two
Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road.

Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're
going to run off the road and hit them" Jake agrees and swerves in their
direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them.

They both said, "Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way. A little
while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?"

Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida." Jake asked him how he knew
that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them,

I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"

 

[DG Hear]

Dumb Jokes

Water

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”

Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”

“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”

 

[Handley_Page]

Pilot Quotes:

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "Oh S***!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"Flash-lights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the air-plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." --
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." --
Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air-plane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

 

[Handley_Page]

Brother Speeder
Let's Rehearse
All Together
Good Morning, Nurse


The One Who Drives
When He's Been Drinking
Depends On You
To Do His Thinking

 

[PayDay]

Ahhhhh!

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Here are the Answers

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not? Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

This one drove me nuts, it was the only one I couldn't figure out. Nice, very nice, thanks for that.

And now, a joke from Frank & Ernest by Bob Thaves:

One guy of the two: Did you get that date with that dietician?
Other guy of the two: No, she was looking for something a little higher up on the food chain...

 

[DG Hear]

You need a sense of humor to work in a nursing

home ~ that is for sure.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED


An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was

anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am

very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little

forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,

Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was

walking down the hall with his Private

Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she

said, 'You shouldn't be walking down

the hall like that. Please put your

Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.

Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my

Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell

me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

 

[DG Hear]

Eve's side of story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story ?

 

[DG Hear]

No Sunday Paper:

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who
know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday”.
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..

..."Well, shoot, that explains why no one was at church either."

 

[ga400us]

You need a sense of humor to work in a nursing

home ~ that is for sure.

MY PRIVATE PART DIED


An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was

anything wrong.

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am

very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little

forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,

she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry,

Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was

walking down the hall with his Private

Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she

said, 'You shouldn't be walking down

the hall like that. Please put your

Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr.

Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my

Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy , 'you did tell

me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Ha ha ha! Thanks for that one!

 

[Handley_Page]

I got sent this one:

There were 3 gay men and their partners all died at around the same time.
On their way to the morgue, the guy who worked there asked them where they want to spread their partner's ashes.

The first gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes over the ocean because he loved to swim!"

The second gay guy says, "I want to spread his ashes on a mountain because he loved to climb."

And then the third gay guy says, "I want to spread him all over my chili"
The morgue supervisor asked, "WHY?"

He said," So he can tear my ass up one more time ."

 

[Handley_Page]

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
younger cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen." the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said, "all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer'."

 

[PayDay]

For the nerds in the thread.

If you are going too fast:

THIS LOOKS BLUE.

 

[ga400us]

A woman had just returned to her home from an
evening of church services, when she was startled
by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of
robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:
'Stop! Acts 2:38!'

Which says, “Repent and be Baptized, in the name
of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.”

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old
lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an
Ax and Two 38 Pistols!'

 

[ga400us]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

[DG Hear]

SNOW

I just got off the phone with a friend living in Colorado at 9000' He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[ga400us]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor "a normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[PayDay]

The Female Marine Pilot

A teacher gave her third grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved, etc.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, don't you have a story to share?" The teacher asked.

"Yes ma'am," replied Janie, "...my daddy told me a story about my mommy. She drove'd a plane for the Ma -rines and her plane got hit'd. She had to jump out over en -e -my territory, and all she had was a fa -lask of whiskies, a pistol, and a survival knife. Daddy said:"

" 'She drank the whiskies on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, but then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 en -e -my troops... She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran'd out of bullets, killded four more with the knife before the blade broke'd, and then she killed the last en -e -my with her bare hands.' "

''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[PayDay]

Man, did I get some good ones today:

No Underwear

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering. The young man tried again.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said:
"Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck... This is your grandma's idea."

 

[PayDay]

Last one for a while:

Simple Truths

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".
Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated."

 

[CarlusMagnus]

If you are going too fast:

THIS LOOKS BLUE.

That depends. If you're going too fast and it's in your rearview mirror, it looks infrared.

 

[Handley_Page]

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead."

Little Johnny agrees, "All right."

He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her
surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.

Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of
washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.

The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."

"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.

 

[ga400us]

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door and says to the lady, "I'm collecting today... that'll be five dollars."

She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but I'll gladly give you some great sex instead."

Little Johnny agrees, "All right."

He walks in and the lady undoes his pants and pulls them down. To her
surprise, she sees the biggest penis she's ever seen.

Little Johnny then reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of
washers, and begins sliding them onto his penis.

The lady says, "You don't have to do that... I can take all of it."

"Not for five bucks you can't," replies Little Johnny.

Ha ha ha!

 

[ga400us]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

 

[Handley_Page]

50 things no man should do after the age of 30

1 Eat Niknaks. And then suck the yellow stuff off your fingers afterwards.

2 Use the term "awesomeness".

3 Wear sneakers with a tuxedo.

4 Read and quote from Paulo Coehlo.

5 Own a Velcro wallet.

6 Have a mohawk.

7 Do the rock salute at any time.

8 Take artsy self-portraits of himself and post them on Facebook.

9 Play air guitar (especially with a tennis racquet).

10 Drink Oros.

11 Pour water on a friend to wake them up.

12 Not know exactly where his passport/ID book is kept.

13 Spray deodorant all over himself instead of having a shower.

14 Wear jewellery with skulls on it.

15 Struggle to parallel park.

16 Show the peace sign in photographs.

17 Wear shorts to work.

18 Shave his legs (unless he's a professional cyclist).

19 Drink cheap whisky and smoke cherry cigars.

20 Have fuzzy dice hanging ironically from his rear-view mirror.

21 Use the term "that's so unfair".

22 Get jealous if another man looks at the woman he's with.

23 Drink beer through a funnel.

24 Be told by neighbours that his music is too loud.

25 Wear tanga briefs.

26 Have a name for his penis.

27 Own a porn magazine or DVD.

28 Perform wheel spins at traffic lights.

29 Vomit from drinking too much.

30 Actually sit down to eat at a fast-food joint.

31 Play fussball.

32 Have rude nicknames for his friends.

33 Tell stories about hilarious things that happened at "varsity".

34 Know the names of more than one popular FHM model and get excited when the new Sports Illustrated Swimwear edition comes out.

35 Be told by his girlfriend that it's time to wash his sheets.

36 Make owl sounds when the lights dim in the cinema.

37 Record a movie on his PVR just so he can fast forward to the sex scenes.

38 On that note, get excessively thrilled by the love scene between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in The Black Swan
(As in: "Dude, that is, like, totally hot ...").

39 Blow a condom up like a balloon.

40 Feel compelled to make a random remark when in an elevator with a stranger.

41 Use a pick-up line.

42 Keep a book of jokes on top of his toilet cistern.

43 Phone his dad to ask for directions.

44 Moan about somewhere being "too far" to walk to.

45 Own a coffee table made from a Formula One tyre.

46 Run up an escalator that's going in the opposite direction to show off his athletic prowess.

47 Wear a watermelon helmet at the cricket.

48 Google the names of ex-girlfriends.

49 Pump his arms and shout "Yes!" when he receives good news or accomplishes something.

50 Join a crowd of people who are having free T-shirts or other items thrown at them and actually jump up to grab one.




[ PS. I have to admit to a yes on No. 49. It was as I left the hospital . . . . ]