Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 95 years old. He can't help."

"He may be a 95," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

 

[dawei]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is 95 years old. He can't help."

"He may be a 95," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," says the brother-in-law, "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

I don't remember... jokes getting any better than this. Thanks Handley_Page.

 

[Handley_Page]

"Women" Quotes:

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]

I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem]

 

[DG Hear]

Great Italian Sex

The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”

The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”

The other two were stunned.

The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Italian said........... "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

 

[Handley_Page]

[off topic]
You sure it was his hands ?
[topic on]

 

[Handley_Page]

"Please phone the Sperm bank and cancel my Appointment.
Tell them I can't come."

 

[Handley_Page]

I hope this has not been here before:-


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat' , agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the they went on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as sometimes happens when dogs mate.

She was unable to separate them, and was perplexed as to what to do next. Even though it was late, she decided to call the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having heard the explanation of the problem, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

 

[DG Hear]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'


------------------------------------

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true.
I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
-------------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
------------------------------------------------
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'
*********************

(And this final one, especially for me,)
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
And, Your hand over my mouth!

 

[Handley_Page]

HORRORSCOPES

Ascaryus (Jan 20-Feb 18): This Halloween looks to be a scary one for you. But before you go around crying, "Ooooh, I want my mummy! I want my mummy!" think about this: You want more lovin', right? Well, if you run around like a scaredycat, you will, to quoth the raven, "Neverscore."

Pieces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Vampires are evil, hypnotic people who will emerge in the night and drain you. Sounds like someone I used to date. You need to be careful because you may have closed the metaphoric coffin lid on a relationship, only to find that this person will rise from the graveyard of your heart to worm their way back into your life. One word of advice from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer": A vampire can only come in if you invite them.

Scaries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You've got to pick up every stitch this Halloween because, unless I miss my guess, it must be the Season of the Witch. If only every holiday could be commemorated with a bad Donovan song. Wouldn't it be great, on Thanksgiving, to sit around the table, giving thanks for the bounty we are to receive by singing a rousing round of "Mellow Yellow"? That is truly the most horrifying thought you can be faced with this Halloween.

Tarot (Apr 20-May 20): Sure, you ladies have been looking for some lovin'. But you don't want to go for just any Tom Dick and Harry. And heaven forfend you go for any Jack you find, especially when that Jack is some hollow-headed grinning gap-toothed idiot. But then again, despite his weird exterior, if you look inside, you'll see a flame burning bright. This might be the season of the witch, but if you try not to act so witchy and look past the odd exterior, you'll find hidden depths in the ugliest places.

OnlyOneEye (May 21- Jun 20): Horror is in the eye of the beholder, whether that eye be bloodshot and yellow, peering at you from the shadows of the night, or whether the eye is a horrible dismembered giant radioactive eye. What is truly scary? A werewolf? A werewolf is not so much a horrible half-man half-beast as a chronic undershaver. A headless horseman is just the victim of a particularly bad hair day. In much the same way, you can find the brighter side of anything that comes your way, no matter how horrific or annoying.

Dancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Scary is relative, and we don't just mean your crazy relatives who threaten to come visit for six weeks, but rather the idea that whereas a movie with monsters made out of cardboard boxes and paper mache may have been the scariest thing you'd ever seen when you were eight, it now looks like crap. You must get over your initial fears of a new project or relationship; although it seems insurmountable now, if you stick with it, you will eventually be able to overcome it.

Tao (Jul 23-Aug 22): Frankenstein's monster was, of course, made out of the parts of a couple dozen other people, which must have been hell when it came to custody hearings. Nothing's more awkward at a family reunion than having one-tenth of Cousin Harry show up at the buffet. You, too, feel like you're being pulled in twenty different directions, but you'll soon receive the jolt you'll need to get on your feet again.

Vertigo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Pity the poor skeleton who wanders around on Halloween, looking so unfashionable in all-white a full two months after Memorial Day. Of course, he can't help it, and he is actually successful in the love department; after all, he is "ribbed" for her pleasure. This week you'll find that you attract more flies with honey than even dead zombie flesh, and being inherently nice to the opposite sex will make them flock to you like vultures to a skeleton.

Webra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Zombies are pretty well-known for trying to suck the brains out of people's heads. As was every high school algebra teacher I ever had. Coincidence? Considering that those people were always pale on the point of being green, had trouble communicating more than moans and incoherent screams, and had awkward, stumbling walks down the hallway, I think it's lucky I escaped without some horrible "Night of the Living Dead scenario." You escape a horrific fate worse than death , if you can steer clear of boring people at parties.

Scareio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You think you're being slick, but the truth is that you're like a ghost; people can see through you, and all the noise you're making is more effective scaring small children and dogs than actually doing anything. It's time to leave your old haunts and take care of that grave matter that's all your vault.

Sekeltarious (Nov 22-Dec 21): Boo! Scared ya!

Capricandycorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You're in the zone this week! The Twilight Zone, that is, and it's going to be a creepy thrill ride with an incredibly ironic twist at the end that serves as a commentary on our mixed-up Cold War nuclear society. Don't let the creepy situations you get yourself into this week get you skittish. Let them get you Skittles; why not go Trick-or-Treating? It's fun to dress up, get given stuff, and not have to give ten percent to a big guy named Huggy Bear. And Halloween candy doesn't count as calories!

 

[DG Hear]

Flat Chested

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

 

[DG Hear]

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS
TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!


Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from
me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl
Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who
has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and
I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't
know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around,
and when confronted with the evidence,
he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would
a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't
know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.
Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?


Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC

 

[DG Hear]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a bellybutton. In its place was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . .
He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him,
as all who saw the screw made fun of him.
He avoided leaving his house . . .
thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.
He was thrilled.
The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The monk knew exactly why he had come.
The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.
In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand --

You could lose your ass.'

 

[SweetMaj]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a bellybutton. In its place was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother there was nothing they could do.
Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . .
He was screwed.

All the years of growing up were real tough on him,
as all who saw the screw made fun of him.
He avoided leaving his house . . .
thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.
He was thrilled.
The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The monk knew exactly why he had come.
The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.
During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.
In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand --

You could lose your ass.'

I would hate to loose mine!

 

[Boxlicker101]

I would hate to loose mine!

We would all hate for that to happen.

 

[SweetMaj]

We would all hate for that to happen.

Thank you, Box.

 

[DG Hear]

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the h*ll are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. and also "detours" and "low bridges"

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger..

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever..

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. People who forward e-mail without deleting the tons of previous recipients should be shot and then tarred and feathered.

25. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies quit Laughing!

 

[DG Hear]

Think Fast!!!

I MET MY NEW V.A. DOCTOR MONDAY

I went to the V.A. the other day and found out I have been assigned a new doctor.

She was georgous and sexy women. The kind that you get a boner just looking at. Col Gladys Pitts, M.D; U.S.A.M.C. (ret)

Her specialties include men’s ailments, geriatric issues, and dietary disorders specialist.

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out

" I said, "My wife thinks my pecker tastes funny."

 

[Handley_Page]

Strange "Answering Machine" Messages:

Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Thank you for reaching out to us. Nobody is home now. However, if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

This answering machine message is for all you psychics out there... (Long silence...) BEEP

This is 321-1234, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test. Janet Napolitano - Homeland Security

 

[DG Hear]

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales
guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would
pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[Handley_Page]

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and
green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long
and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super-size them. "
And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yoghurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yoghurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and
brightly coloured sprinkle candy to put on the yoghurt.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad. "
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert.
And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with
which to cook them. "
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Kentucky, so big it needed
its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have
to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil. "
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into
chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips waddled in
cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good. "
And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created Medical Aid.

 

[DG Hear]

Halloween joke

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt !!!!



'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ ..............

Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy...


Sounds to me like she's .......
......been ....sweeping around!!!

 

[DG Hear]

I'M Rich

O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver In The Hair
Gold In The Teeth
Crystals In The Kidneys
Sugar In The Blood
Lead In The Ass
Iron In The Arteries
And, An Inexhaustible Supply Of Natural Gas.

I Never Thought I'd
Accumulate Such Wealth!

 

[DG Hear]

You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[DG Hear]

Ponderisms


Ponder means to weigh in the mind with thoroughness and care. With that in mind:

1. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3. Life is sexually transmitted.

4. Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'?

13. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?