Humor Thread

[TE999]

This just in:

Sarah Pailn has been offered $5,000,000.00 to pose nude in Playboy magazine.

In other news:

Michelle Obama has been offered $500.00 to pose nude in National Geographic.

In a related story:

KFC announced their new 'Obama Cabinet Bucket' ... it's filled with left wings and chicken shit.

 

[Handley_Page]

I hope you've not seen this one:

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering , the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

 

[Handley_Page]

The bottom line is, the Arabs aren't happy!

BUT WHERE ARE THEY NOT HAPPY?


They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.




The Arabs are happy!
BUT WHERE?

They're happy in Canada.
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.

They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.

And who do they blame?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.


WHOM DO THEY BLAME THEN?

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

 

[Handley_Page]

Two taxi drivers met for lunch.
"Hey, Fred" asked Phil, "what's the idea of painting one side of your taxi red and the other side blue?"

"Well," he responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

 

[Handley_Page]

Misc Quotations

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx

In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates

Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen

Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor

Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby

We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin

You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives. - Winston Churchill

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais

There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker

 

[SweetMaj]

Two taxi drivers met for lunch.
"Hey, Fred" asked Phil, "what's the idea of painting one side of your taxi red and the other side blue?"

"Well," he responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Good one, HP.

 

[DG Hear]

Good one, HP.

HP, I agree with SweetMaj. Some really cute posts.
DG

 

[Handley_Page]

Little boy comes down to breakfast.


Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

[DG Hear]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, again, you are right. How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story

 

[SweetMaj]

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going ?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, again, you are right. How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob ?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the rib story

That does make more sense, GD.

 

[DG Hear]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "Ive got a big problem, doctor.""Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "thats completely natural .I dont see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

 

[TE999]

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form and writes "Woof, woof woof. Woof, woof. Woof. Woof, woof, woof."

The clerk looks at the paper and says "There are only nine words here, you could send another "Woof" for the same price."

The dog looks confused and says "But that would make no sense at all."

 

[TE999]

A man and his wife are out shopping when he sees a scale that's labeled "Tell Your Weight and Fortune." He gets on, drops in a coin, the scale chimes and a slip of paper comes out of a slot.

"Hey, honey," he says, "My fortune is I'm energetic, bright, resourceful, dependable and a great person."

She looks at the paper and says,"It got your weight wrong too."

 

[DG Hear]

A friend sent me some good jokes. I'll post them here.

You may have already seen this one, but it still made me laugh.
DG


They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone..

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

 

[DG Hear]

Clear your desk, clear your mind, while this only takes a minute or so, you MUST devote your full attention!


THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers....
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30


.......................





TOMORROW I WILL SEND YOU
THE ABC's
It's so damn easy to amuse old people.

 

[SweetMaj]

A friend sent me some good jokes. I'll post them here.

You may have already seen this one, but it still made me laugh.
DG


They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.

You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone..

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Thanks for the laugh (I needed it)

 

[DG Hear]

Just something interesting

Interesting. for math majors



This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 ....
NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you will be this year and it WILL EQUAL .... 111!

 

[DG Hear]

I love this Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

 

[DG Hear]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
‘I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.’

***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Two guys one old one young
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her..
what does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

 

[SweetMaj]

THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
‘I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.’

***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I LOVE IT!)

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Two guys one old one young
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
maybe I can help you find her..
what does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
with red hair,
blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra,
long legs,
and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.'

Thanks again, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

Growing old (from a female friend)
DG

You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their
kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went
to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that
quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs
were these and what happened to Mine? I spent the entire summer looking
for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out
my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My arse was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains
to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier.
But my new arse was attached at least three inches lower than my
original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long
skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing
to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting
scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could
they do to Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey
neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell
the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body
parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has
something 'lifted', Look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere Every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in
bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to
see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep
them hidden in my waistband.

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day
- with a joy filled heart. Always remember to Laugh!! Helps the heart
AND the wrinkles!!

P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my
clothes!

How do they do that????

 

[Handley_Page]

A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mum when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mum that night. They said okay.

After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mum was.

 

[SweetMaj]

A man returned from a trip when a big storm hit their town, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. When he got home and into his bedroom at about 2 a.m., he found his two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned himself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, he talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mum when the storm was bad, but, in the future, when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mum that night. They said okay.

After his next trip several weeks later, his wife and the children picked him up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for his plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As he entered the waiting area, his son saw him and ran toward him shouting,
"Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As he waved back, Dad said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mummy while you were away this time!" the boy shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at the man's son, then turned to him, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mum was.

Good one, HP.

 

[DG Hear]

Another one sent to me.
DG

The Coyote

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.


Montana :

The Governor of Montana is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Montana is not.

 

[BrianCaster]

"Can I borrow that book of yours 'How to Become A Millionaire'?"

"Sure. Here you are."

"Thanks----but half of the pages are missing."

"What's the matter? Isn't half a million enough for you?"