Humor Thread

[BrianCaster]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel., the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, I got in the back sear by mistake."

 

[BrianCaster]

My heart felt apology to the readers and especially DG Hear for posting out of the place pics.

 

[DG Hear]

Starts With F......


What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

 

[DG Hear]

Another from a lady friend
DG

Chap Stick

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack
was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and
nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the
mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were
4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old.

The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chap stick. LOVED it.. He kept
asking to use my chap stick and then losing it.

Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my chap
stick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to
put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it
sometimes several times a day.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try
to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys
are fighting over the toy in the cereal box..

I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my
make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is
a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We
finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking
for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom.

There was Eli. He was applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's rear
end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped..."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right - their little bottoms do
look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only
question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had
done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us
that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures,
there will always be that day when you realize.... they've been using your
chap stick on the cat's butt.

 

[SweetMaj]

Another from a lady friend
DG

Chap Stick

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack
was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and
nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the
mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were
4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old.

The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chap stick. LOVED it.. He kept
asking to use my chap stick and then losing it.

Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom that I kept my chap
stick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to
put it right back in the drawer after he finished because I used it
sometimes several times a day.

That year, on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around to try
to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys
are fighting over the toy in the cereal box..

I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my
make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is
a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood. We
finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car, and I am looking
for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom.

There was Eli. He was applying my chap stick very carefully to Jack's rear
end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped..."

Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right - their little bottoms do
look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only
question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had
done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever, because it reminds us
that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures,
there will always be that day when you realize.... they've been using your
chap stick on the cat's butt.

Love it!

 

[Handley_Page]

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

"Well, I'm a bit late for the Battle."

 

[DG Hear]

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel., the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind," he said with a hiccup, I got in the back sear by mistake."

My heart felt apology to the readers and especially DG Hear for posting out of the place pics.

No apology necessary. I didn't want to see you get chastised the way some of us others did. By the way, cute joke. Please feel free to post here.
With respect
DG Hear

 

[Handley_Page]

A lesbian went for a smear test and the doctor told her, "That's the
cleanest vagina I've ever seen!"

The lesbian replied, "Yes, I have a woman in twice a week!"

 

[monsterrdude]

A real woman is a man's best friend.
*
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
*
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
*
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
*
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
*
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
*
*
No wait...Sorry.* I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.*
Never mind…

 

[DG Hear]

BEST DEAR ABBY YET!

Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.

He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious.

One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed,
Lost in DC
-------------------------------------------------- -
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!
Signed,
Abby

 

[DG Hear]

Murder at Wal-Mart

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor .......

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store ..

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared....

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Oh, quit groaning!

I don't write this stuff, I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

 

[JackLuis]

Moment of Zen - Michelle Obama Has a Cheeseburger
Michelle Obama orders a cheeseburger meal that's the caloric equivalent of eating a live raccoon. (00:14)
(said lunch over 1,800 calories.)
Fox news break.

Daily Show Moment of Zen catches Fox in it own hyperbole.

A full grown raccoon has to be more than 2,000 calories!

 

[DG Hear]

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."

 

[DG Hear]

Q: Whats the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?A:

A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

 

[JackLuis]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is ONE million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is SIX million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call".

 

[DG Hear]

This was sent to me. Cute!
DG


With more and more seniors texting and tweeting there is a growing need for STCs (Senior Texting Codes). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, these codes are for you:


ATD - At The Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend Fell
BTW - Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered By Medicare
CUATSC - See You At The Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWB - Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living On Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL...CGU - Rolling On The Floor Laughing …and Can't Get Up
TTYL - Talk To You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To
WTFA - Wet The Furniture Again
WTP - Where's The Prunes?
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
LMGA - Lost My Glasses Again
GLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

 

[Handley_Page]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[Handley_Page]

The blonde co-ed danced excitedly into her room clapping and chanting, "I
won! I won! That guy is so stupid!"

Her room mate asked "What on Earth are you going on about?"

"Well," the blonde explained, "I just met this really stupid guy who bet me
a dollar that if I touched my toes he could screw me without my feeling a
thing, and I won!"

 

[Handley_Page]

"I came to offer my condolences; I heard your husband had died"

"Thank you, yes. He went out to get a cabbage from the garden for lunch and had a heart attack, right in the middle of the Vegetable patch".

"Oh that's terrible; what did you do?"

"I opened a tin of peas instead."

 

[DG Hear]

Great stuff HP. I can't pronounce those words sober. I would also bet the gal $10. she wouldn't feel I thing. I hope I would lose also.

 

[Handley_Page]

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn't too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait and got down to it on the back seat.

Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, "I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine."

 

[Handley_Page]

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read at Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too effed up to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

[Handley_Page]

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Anonymous

 

[DG Hear]

Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

 

[DG Hear]

Ok you guys got this because I KNOW you can remember (I hope)
I remember it all. haha
DG

The Green Thing

Boy, this 'splains things in a whole different light, doesn't it???

The Green Thing - read it through to the end ~~~~

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should
Bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the
Environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing
Back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not
Care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the
Store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and
Refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were
recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and
Office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
Throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
Machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the
Clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not
Always brand-new clothing.

But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room.
And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not A screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up
Old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the
Lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working So we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on Electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a
Plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
Replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor
Just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to
School or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to
Power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive A signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in Order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?