Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

A pooch goes to a telegraph office. On the form, the dog fills out, "Woof, woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof, woof, woof."

The clerk takes a look at the form and says, "You've only filled in nine words here. You're entitled to another woof for the same price."

The dog answers, "But then it wouldn't make any sense."



Then there was the girl who named her dog Seiko. Of course it was a watchdog.

 

[DG Hear]

'LIFE' THOUGHTS BY 'DUCKY'

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question!!!!

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher
and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Ya just might want to pass this along.......

 

[DG Hear]

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

---Grouco Marx


Then there was the insomniac who was an agnostic dyslexic. He stayed up all night wondering about the meaning of Dog.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

-- Groucho Marx

 

[DG Hear]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

 

[bookwormju]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

If only it worked

 

[DG Hear]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for condoms.

The receptionist says "Sure, shall I put them on your bill?"

Daffy replies "Don't be thucking thupid - I'd thufficate!!"

 

[dearc]

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.


Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.


Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary finally comes clean and says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

[DG Hear]

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I know I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one.
DG


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell
you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

 

[DG Hear]

At the Old folks Home

Donald Trump visits an old folks' home to mingle with the people and pick up a little good P.R. at the same time. He walks up to a sweet old lady is a wheelchair who smiles at him with an otherwise blank stare.

"Do you know who I am?" asks The Donald.

She responds, "No, but if you ask at the desk, they'll tell you."

 

[Handley_Page]

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny ...

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich ...

 

[Handley_Page]

FAQs

Client: "My printer keeps printing junk."

Me: "You have to turn off the computer and the printer, then turn on the computer first."

Client: "Okay."

*pause*

Client: "It’s still wrong."

Me: "Did you restart the computer first?"

Client: "No."

Me: "Why not?"

Client: "The computer is too far away. It saves time if I just turn the printer off and on."

Me: "That won’t fix the problem."

Client: "I don’t see why not. I don’t have time to go back and forth."

(We go through the procedure several times, with the client short cutting the directions each time.)

Me: "Okay, I think I know what to do. There is bad data in your cable."

Client: "Oh. How do I get it out?"

Me: "First, turn everything off. Then disconnect the cable."

Client: "Okay."

Me: "Lay the cable out in the hall. Then pick up one end and shake the cable two or three times. Shake it very hard."

Client: "Just a minute."

(Time passes with strange noises coming through the phone. The client comes back on out of breath.)

Client: "OK, I did it."

Me: "Good. Now reconnect the cable to the printer and then connect it to the computer. Then turn everything on."

Client: "That did it! Thanks!"

(About a year later, one of our trainers called to tell a funny story about the client who insisted on shaking the cable whenever the printer messed up. She said it was, ‘To get rid of the bad data’. I kept my mouth shut.)

 

[Handley_Page]

TRAFFIC CAMERA

My wife was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera.

She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

 

[DG Hear]

Four guys are fishing in a rowboat at the lake. A motorboat speeds by, the boat tips over and the fishermen are thrown into the water. They all swim ashore and take off their wet clothes to dry them over a fire. Soon, two beautiful girls pass by on jet skis.

The embarrassed guys wrap their jerseys around their loins - except for one of them, who wraps his shirt around his head and face. After the girls go by, one fisherman turns to the other and says, "What did you do that for?"

"Well, I don't know about you," he answers, "but the people I know usually recognize each other by their faces."

 

[DG Hear]

A fish story

A fanatical fisherman calls his doctors and says, "Doc, you gotta help me out. It's an emergency. My baby swallowed a fish hook!"

The doctor replied, "Bring him to my office. I'll meet you there."

Before the doctor can even get out the door, the phone rings again and the fisherman says, "Never mind, Doc. I found another fish hook."

 

[Weird Harold]

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up.

What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....

Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves!

And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!!

You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics!

We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever!

And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle!

And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled!

You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

Of course this is C&P -- I'm old enough to remember similar diatribes about how easy kids had it int he 80's what with their pocket calculators and cartoons on TV Saturday morning instead of slide rules and having to go to the theater for a Saturday Morning cartoon fix.

 

[Weird Harold]

The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!
Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

--Join every free banner exchange.

--Get your own free-for-all links page.

--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

--Hire a bulk emailer.

--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

 

[DG Hear]

The Lazy Fisherman

Warren Buffett (a very rich person) was on vacation at the beach when he noticed what appeared to be a lazy fisherman sitting leisurly by the water with his pole propped un in the sand and his line cast out into the water.

"Hey,Bud" called Warren. "You're not going to catch any fish like that. You should be at work anyway."

"The fisherman responded, " Oh yeah? Why should I be at work?"

"Because you'll make money and then you can buy a boat which will enable you to catch more fish," said the entrepreneur.

"Why do you think that would be good for me?" Questioned the fisherman.

The wealthy financier was becoming a bit irritated answering the fisherman's questions. "That would be good for you because you'd eventually be able to buy a bigger boat and hire other fisherman to work for you," Buffett said.

"Why is that so good for me?" asked the fisherman.

Now Buffett was really annoyed. "Look...you don't seem to get the point. When all is said and done, you could wind up with a whole fleet of fishing boats and amass a great fortune."

"And then what would happen? asked the fisherman.

Warren steaming mad, barked, "What would happen?!? You'd become filthy rich and never have to work again! You could spend the rest of your years sitting on this beach fishing without a care in the world."

The fisherman smiled at the Mr. Buffet and his entourage and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

 

[DG Hear]

The nightie

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.

 

[DG Hear]

"$5.37."

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."


I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.

"Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior Citizen? I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"

I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!" I turned and headed back to the truck.

I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. He offered these kind words, "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I'mnot too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

READ BELOW !
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today - - -

The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1993.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Popcorn has always been microwaved.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard, "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel ," or "de plane, Boss, de plane."

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

P.S. Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

 

[Weird Harold]

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"My God!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the damn store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

 

[Weird Harold]

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"

No more problem.

 

[DG Hear]

Dolphin-safe tuna...that's great if you're a dolphin.
What if you're a tuna? Somewhere there's a tuna flopping around a ship going, "What about me? I'm not cute enough for you?"

---Drew Carey

 

[DG Hear]

The frog joke

A frog wanted to renovate his lily pad so he hopped into a bank to apply for a home credit line. He introduced himself to the teller as Kermit Jagger, son of Mick Jagger. When he told her what he wanted, the teller said, "Well sir we're going to need proof that you have some collateral in order to get the loan."

With that, the frog produced a small box which the teller opened up. Inside was a tiny souvenir his mother, Bianca, had once brought back to him from a trip. "Oh, I'm sorry," giggled the teller. "This will never do. It's only a knick-knack!"

The frog then tried another teller, only to get the same reaction. "That little knick-knack is worthless. You'll never get a loan trying to us that as collateral."

Undaunted, the frog hopped up the stairs to the boss's office. The sign on the door read "Patricia Black, Bank President." The frog opened the door and found himself face to face with a stern looking lady. "What do you want?" she demanded.

The frog explained that he wanted a loan and showed Patricia Black the knick-knack he had as collateral.

She bellowed, "What the heck is that!?"

All of the sudden, there was a fierce wind outside, the shutters blew open, and a hugh voice from the heavens boomed, "IT'S A KNICK-KNACK PATTY BLACK, BUT GIVE THE FROG A LOAN! HIS OLD MAN'S A ROLLING STONE."