Humor Thread

[bookwormju]

2 fleas sitting on a fanny

one is a burglar & the one is a junkie

how do you tell them apart?

the burglar is hiding in the bush & the junkie is sniffing the crack

 

[DG Hear]

2 women on the way back from a night out stop in a graveyard for a piss

1 wipes her fanny with her knickers and the other with a wreath

the 2 husbands were in the pub the next day and the first man said "i better

watch my wife as she came home last night with no knickers"

the other man says "that`s fuck all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying

"we`ll never forget you from all the boys at the firestation"

I see your new on the A/H. Welcome to the humor thread and feel free to come by and post often.
DG

 

[bookwormju]

I see your new on the A/H. Welcome to the humor thread and feel free to come by and post often.
DG

Thanks for the welcome, i do have more jokes to put up when i find the time. I just hope you like them.

 

[DG Hear]

Thanks for the welcome, i do have more jokes to put up when i find the time. I just hope you like them.

Don't worry about it. Not every joke is for everyone, but it will put a smile on someones face.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A cop pulled over a Lexus after it had run a stop sign. The officer said, "May I see your drivers license and registration please."

The driver said, "What seems to be the problem?"

"You just ran through a stop sign."

"Oh, man, there wasn't a car in sight."

"Doesn't matter, sir, you're required to come to a complete halt, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You're joking."

"This is no joke sir."

"Look, I slowed down, saw nobody in sight, and then proceeded."

"That's not the point. You're suppose to come to a complete stop. Now Please let me see your license and..."

The driver interrupted the cop and said, "Boy, you seem to have a lot of time on your hands. Whatsamatter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Ahem, I'll overlook that comment. Let me see your license and registration, now!"

"Okay, but only if you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."

At this point, the cop had reached his boiling point.

"I can do better than that, sir," explained the officer.

He opened the car door, dragged the driver out and began to beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

 

[bookwormju]

1- It`s important to have a man who helps at home, cooks, cleans & has a job

2- It`s important to have a man who can make you laugh

3- It`s important to have a man you can trust & who would never lie to you

4 - It`s important to have a man who is good in bed & likes being with you

5 - It`s absolutely fucking vital that these 4 men don`t know about each other

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one.
DG


A woman from Los Angeles who was a liberal tree hugger democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a tract of timberland near Colville, WA.

There was a really nice large tree on one of the high points of property.

Wanting a good view of the natural splendor of her land, she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top a spotted owl viciously started attacking her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and in the process got a lot of splinters in her crotchal region.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER.

She told the doctor she was an a democrat environmentalist and an anti-hunter and the entire story of how she got splinter crotched.

The doctor listened patiently to her story and then told her to go wait in the examining room while he would see what he could do to help her.

After waiting for over three hours the doctor finally came back and the angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and said, "Well, I had to apply for permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area”, especially since it’s so close to waste treatment facility. And due to Obama Care provisions, they turned me down – have a nice day ma’am."

 

[DG Hear]

This proves that men make better friends.

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

[Weird Harold]

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."

 

[DG Hear]

The Counterfeiter Joke

Huey: My uncle's doing time in the hoosegow for making some big money.
Louie: Since when is it a crime to make a lot of money?
Huey: Since he made it about a half-inch to big.

 

[DG Hear]

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the lights while I'm still in the bathroom.

 

[DG Hear]

Saw this on TV and it's been all over the internet. Way too cute.
Click on the link below.
Yahoo! Shine - Laughing Baby Loves Ripping Paper!

Laughing Baby Loves Ripping Paper! on Shine
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/momentsofmotherhood/laughing-baby-loves-ripping-paper-2459529/

 

[JackLuis]

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=86036e3b8a79cc7daa708ed2db3df57f

 

[JackLuis]

http://content.cartoonbox.slate.com/?feature=aab62115be9156170abf34ffd0fe2534

 

[bookwormju]

Saw this on TV and it's been all over the internet. Way too cute.
Click on the link below.
Yahoo! Shine - Laughing Baby Loves Ripping Paper!

Laughing Baby Loves Ripping Paper! on Shine
http://shine.yahoo.com/event/momentsofmotherhood/laughing-baby-loves-ripping-paper-2459529/

That is soo cute

 

[bookwormju]

"My boyfriend says i kook like a dishy Italian!" said Miss Conceited.

"He`s right," said her little brother.

"Sophia Loren?"

"No - speghetti!"

 

[bookwormju]

Did you hear about the boy who stole some rhubarb?

He was put into custardy.

 

[DG Hear]

Two cowboys are riding along out West when they hear the ominous sound of drums. One of the cowboys says, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

Off in the distance, they hear an Indian yell, "He's not our regular drummer!"

 

[DG Hear]

- Rita Rudner-

Whenever I date a guy, I think,"Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

 

[DG Hear]

Did you hear about the new surgery kit that lets the patient sew up his own incision? It's called 'Suture Yourself'.



A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I just can't do the things around the house that I used to do. What's wrong with me?"

After the exam, the doctor says, "In layman's terms, you're just plain lazy."

"Okay. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife."

 

[DG Hear]

Doctors are the only people that if they don't find anything wrong they still charge you. You know what you should do? Next time look into your wallet and say you can't find anything either.

--Mark Schiff


Doctors are crooks. Why do you think they wear gloves? Not for sanitary reasons - fingerprints.

--Jackie Mason

 

[DG Hear]

Two dogs pass by a parking meter. One says to the other, "How do you like that? A pay toilet."


What do you call a dag that hears voices?
A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic

 

[DG Hear]

Beer Drinkers Be Happy

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta
Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year
ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you will have received a $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900
miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans
get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be an American!!!

 

[Handley_Page]

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD: TOP 26 LIST

1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the sporting team of your choice.

6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

12. Garbage would take itself out.

13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

19. "COPS" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

20. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

21. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like whiskey and beer.

22. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).

23. Women suffering from PMS would be required to wear a burka.

24. Gun racks would be standard on all American cars.

25. There would be a device that automatically raised and lowered toilet seats.

26. 2011 Cloning Act: "Only Jessica Alba may be cloned."

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this from a fellow A/Her


I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day"

She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for something profound...

He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment and stupidity."

I almost snorted my iced tea.