Humor Thread

[Zobor]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

[Zobor]

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and
scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom
standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and
groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,
Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third
night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there
is a man in bed with his mom.
Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest
and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

 

[Zobor]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would
consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement
of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look
what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of
soil and instantly grass started to grow.

Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked
his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then
dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his
dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told
him that he had something to show him. They went to the front
yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is
from your mother."

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one from a fellow A/Her.

One of those stupid games they send, but it does work.

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .Don't stop


Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down..


Think of either a man's/woman's
name that begins with the last letter
in the animal's name


Almost there.......


Now count out the letters in that name
on the fingers of the hand you are not
using to scroll down.


Take the hand you FIRST counted with
and hold it out in front of you at face level.


Look at your palm very closely and notice
the lines in your hand.



Do the lines take the form of the first letter
in the person's name?!





Of course they don't, you idiot!


Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
the shit out of yourself, get a life, and
quit playing stupid e-mail games!

 

[avidreader_01]

Just received this one from a fellow A/Her.

One of those stupid games they send, but it does work.

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . .Don't stop


Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down..


Think of either a man's/woman's
name that begins with the last letter
in the animal's name


Almost there.......


Now count out the letters in that name
on the fingers of the hand you are not
using to scroll down.


Take the hand you FIRST counted with
and hold it out in front of you at face level.


Look at your palm very closely and notice
the lines in your hand.



Do the lines take the form of the first letter
in the person's name?!





Of course they don't, you idiot!


Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack
the shit out of yourself, get a life, and
quit playing stupid e-mail games!

ROFLMAO-- that was too funny

 

[DesertPirate]

Tasteless joke for the day: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? ... You can unscrew the lightbulb!

 

[Weird Harold]

No Pets Allowed
There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

 

[DG Hear]

PRAYER FOR GRANDPA
This is just too beautiful not to share.



Dear God, please send clothes
for all those poor ladies
on grandpa's computer.
Amen!

 

[Handley_Page]

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy...

 

[Handley_Page]

Great Truths About Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

[Handley_Page]

I love this one:-


Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & emails have forgotten the "art" of capitalisation.

Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

[DesertPirate]

Next year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occur on the same day.

It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog.

 

[DG Hear]

How to find inner peace?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on the radio this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.


Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.

Triffic.

 

[Weird Harold]

The Lion and the Mime

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

 

[DG Hear]

Just trying to stay on page 1

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
When eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.

Did you hear about the man who farted in church?
They made him sit in his own pew.

Why do women like hunters?
They always go deep into the bush, shoot twice, and eat what they shoot.

 

[Zobor]

On the Twelve Days of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me . . .

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2003

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2003

Dearest Dave,

You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2003

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2003

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2003

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket. Please stop dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2003

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up, and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2003

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay off me or you'll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2003

Hey loser,

What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I'm going out of my mind!

You'll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2003

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2003

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten vicious worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2003

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

 

[Zobor]

The FAA Inspection
With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
Christmas Santa
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap. "Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.

The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."

 

[Zobor]

Christmas downsizing

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

Snowman The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cut back on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

 

[Zobor]

A parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

Christmas Santa
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

 

[TE999]

Q. What's the difference between a pig and a fox?

A. Two shots of whiskey and four beers.

Q. What's brown and has holes in it?

A. Swiss shit.

Q. What's the definition of a perfect woman?

A. One that when you finish fucking her turns into a six-pack and three of your friends.

Q. Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

A. Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Q. Why are a motorbike and a fat woman similar?

A. They're fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either of them.

Q. Why was time out called in the leper colony hockey game?

A. There was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the world's biggest lie?

A. It's only a cold sore.

Q. What's blue and comes in brownies?

A. Cub Scouts.

Q. What's the difference between being kinky and perverted?

A. A kinky person uses a feather and the pervert uses the whole chicken.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A. They don't have balls to scratch.

 

[Weird Harold]

Stupid True Headlines (or so Arcamax labels them)

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Farmer Bill Dies in House
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
• Stud Tires Out
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
• Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
• British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
• Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
• Eye Drops off Shelf
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Include your Children When Baking Cookies
• Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
• Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Stolen Painting Found by Tree
• Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
• Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
• Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
• Air Head Fired
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
• Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

 

[DG Hear]

A Little Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor..



In his frustration, he accidentally dropped
the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this. Now you know the rest of the story.

 

[Handley_Page]

Santa Letters
Dear Santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy:
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a
f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa:
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in

the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah:
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

-------------------------------------------------
Santa Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy

Dear Teddy:
Look, your dad's banging the baby-sitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid Mom, who rides his @ss
constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa:
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis:
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa:
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer
outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan:
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa:
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas:
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the @sses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa:
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica:
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa:
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiny begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your @ss whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.

Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams, Santa

 

[Handley_Page]

THE TOP 16 FORGOTTEN OLDE TYME CHRISTMAS CAROLS

15 Pestilence Is Comin' to Town

14 Do You Smell What I Smell?

13 Blood Let Ye Merry Gentlemen

12 Giveth Thy Caroling Neighbors Money, or We'll Tell the Towne of Thy Predilection for Farme Animals

11 Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire

10 Daddy Lost His Fingers A-Makin' the Christmas Sausage

9 All I Want for Christmas is my Grog and Mead

8 Espied Have I Father Christmas and My Mother Dear Under the Candled Tree Embracing Nakedly

7 Joy to the World, Flat Disk That It Is

6 Best Friggin' Leave Some Friggin' Cookies for Santa This Friggin' Year, Ye Friggin' Ingrates

5 We Three Moyles of Orient Are

4 The Cloven Hoofe of a Reindeer Hath Laid My Mother's Mother to her Rest

3 Wake Up, Ye Merry Gentlemen -- My Husband Hath Arriveth Home Early!

2 Oh, Who Shall Cut the Christmas Cheese?

...and the Number 1 Forgotten Olde Tyme Christmas Carol...

1 Mistletoe, Schmistletoe: If I Feel Thy Tongue, Thy Head Will Roll

 

[Handley_Page]

Lawyer's Christmas

Whereas, on or about the night immediately preceding Christmas Day, there did occur at a certain improved piece of residential real property (hereinafter referred to as "the House"), a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, (e.g. stockings, socks, etc.), had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a Saint Nicholas a/k/a Santa Claus (hereinafter referred to as "Clause") would arrive at some time thereafter.

The minor residents, (i.e. the children), of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, (i.e. dreams), wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts, and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner of said House in fee simple as joint tenants with full rights of survivor-ship, and not as tenants in common, with the party of the second part (hereinafter referred to as "Mama"), had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such time both parties were clad in various forms of headgear, (e.g. kerchief and cap).

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House (hereinafter referred to as the "lawn"), a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate and determine the cause of said disturbance.

At that time the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter referred to as the "Vehicle"), being pulled an! d/or drawn at a rapid velocity through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was the previously referenced Clause.

Said Clause was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name, to-wit: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen (hereinafter referred to as "the Deer"). Upon further information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may or may not have been involved.

The party of the first part witnessed Clause, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and wilfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, and without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House and Clause did enter said House via the chimney.

Said Clause was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned toys, packages and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe (in probable violation of local ordinances and health regulations).

Clause did not converse, speak or otherwise attempt to communicate, but immediately began to fill the stockings of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other assorted gifts. Said items did not however constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.

Upon completion of the aforementioned activity, Clause touched the side of his nose and flew, rose, levitated and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts". Clause then proceeded to assume control of said Vehicle, whistled to the Deer and they immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Clause from said House, the party of the first part did hear Clause state and/or exclaim, "Happy Christmas to All and to All a Good Night!" or words to that effect.

Submitted by Anne S.