Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
Austin8
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2009
- Posts
- 12,779
Just received this one in time for Thanksgiving.
With Thanksgiving coming up, I thought I'd try something new.
So I went hunting and shot my first turkey.
Scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food department!
Hahahaha!
Hope you and your family have a Blessed Thanksgiving DG!!
Quinn71
catch me if you can
- Joined
- Jun 10, 2005
- Posts
- 13,975
Wife takes her husband to the Doctor because he has not been deeling well at all for the last 2 weeks.
Doctor pulls her aside after examining her husband and says, "You must feed him his favourite foods and make love to him at least 3 times a day."
The husband then asks what the Doctor says.
The wife says........."You're going to die!"
Doctor pulls her aside after examining her husband and says, "You must feed him his favourite foods and make love to him at least 3 times a day."
The husband then asks what the Doctor says.
The wife says........."You're going to die!"
Lia Monde
Life is good
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2005
- Posts
- 26,320
Might have posted this before but it's worth another read.
DG
The Rodeo Position
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, "think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Girl, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
Very funny.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Bad jokes
The definition of a loser?
A man with a hard on who walks into a wall and busts his nose.
Confucius say, woman who refuse to shave, have hair by cracky!!
What's one she plus one she?
a tooshie.
What did one ovary say to the other ovary?
Did you order a piano? There's 2 nuts here trying to shove in
an organ!
The definition of a loser?
A man with a hard on who walks into a wall and busts his nose.
Confucius say, woman who refuse to shave, have hair by cracky!!
What's one she plus one she?
a tooshie.
What did one ovary say to the other ovary?
Did you order a piano? There's 2 nuts here trying to shove in
an organ!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Things you need to know.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light..
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..
(Now that's more like it !)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light..
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrol-man pulled alongside a speeding car on the free-way. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrol-man pulled alongside a speeding car on the free-way. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Lahden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. “I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent & of course United States and Canada stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to:
the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - and
the appearance of some younger women in Wallmart,
now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands , in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Lahden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. “I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England , Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent & of course United States and Canada stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as "there are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to:
the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - and
the appearance of some younger women in Wallmart,
now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Last edited:
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
You're never too old to have a happy childhood!
Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
Grow a milk mustache.
Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
Have a staring contest with your cat.
Kiss a frog just in case.
Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no."
Ask "Why?" a lot.
Believe in fairy tales.
Have someone read you a story.
Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
Do a cartwheel.
Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap.
Find some pretty stones and save them.
Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow.
Walk barefoot in wet grass.
Giggle at nude statues in a museum.
Make cool screeching noises every time you turn.
Count the colors in a rainbow.
Fuss a little, then take a nap.
Take a running jump over a big puddle.
Giggle a lot for no real reason.
Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on- their-opposite-side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's- there thing.
Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories!)
Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise.
Squish some mud between your toes.
Buy yourself a helium balloon.
Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people.
Be a kid again... (or stay a kid as long as you can.
)
Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
Grow a milk mustache.
Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even though you wanted both of them for yourself.
Have a staring contest with your cat.
Kiss a frog just in case.
Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no."
Ask "Why?" a lot.
Believe in fairy tales.
Have someone read you a story.
Wear your favorite shirt with your favorite pants even if they don't match.
Do a cartwheel.
Hide your vegetables under your napkin.
Make a "slurpy" sound with your straw when you get to the bottom of a milkshake.
Sit really still for as long as the dog (or cat) is asleep in your lap.
Find some pretty stones and save them.
Stick your head out the car window and moo if you see a cow.
Walk barefoot in wet grass.
Giggle at nude statues in a museum.
Make cool screeching noises every time you turn.
Count the colors in a rainbow.
Fuss a little, then take a nap.
Take a running jump over a big puddle.
Giggle a lot for no real reason.
Do that tap-someone-on-the-shoulder-while-you-stand-on- their-opposite-side-and-they-turn-around-and-no-one's- there thing.
Enjoy your all-time favorite candy-bar. (Forget you've heard of calories!)
Throw something and when it lands make a cool exploding bomb noise.
Squish some mud between your toes.
Buy yourself a helium balloon.
Put an orange slice in your mouth, peel side out, and smile at people.
Be a kid again... (or stay a kid as long as you can.
)
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
A guy walks into a bar after a long day. He had been fired, his car crashed on the way home, and he had to walk back to his house in the rain only to find the storm had knocked a tree onto it.
The bartender hands him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy is sitting in this empty bar, drinking to himself and thinking depressing thoughts. All of a sudden, he hears a soft voice say, "that tie looks very handsome on you." Thinking a woman might be trying to start a conversation, he excitedly turns around, but sees no one there. Confused, he goes back to his drink.
A few minutes later, again lost in unhappy thoughts, he again hears, "your haircut looks great!" The man again turns around, but sees no one. He calls to the bartender, "did you say that?" The bartender comes down the bar and says that he hadn't said anything.
Another few minutes pass, and for a third time the man hears the voice, saying, "you look fit. Have you been working out?" The guy looks around, sees no one, and has finally had enough. He storms up to the bartender and demands to know what the hell is going on. The bartender looks confused for a moment, then says,
"its the nuts. They're complimentary"
The bartender hands him a beer and a bowl of nuts. The guy is sitting in this empty bar, drinking to himself and thinking depressing thoughts. All of a sudden, he hears a soft voice say, "that tie looks very handsome on you." Thinking a woman might be trying to start a conversation, he excitedly turns around, but sees no one there. Confused, he goes back to his drink.
A few minutes later, again lost in unhappy thoughts, he again hears, "your haircut looks great!" The man again turns around, but sees no one. He calls to the bartender, "did you say that?" The bartender comes down the bar and says that he hadn't said anything.
Another few minutes pass, and for a third time the man hears the voice, saying, "you look fit. Have you been working out?" The guy looks around, sees no one, and has finally had enough. He storms up to the bartender and demands to know what the hell is going on. The bartender looks confused for a moment, then says,
"its the nuts. They're complimentary"
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
Yer welcum. The best ones are always do come as surprise.
Obligatory Joke:
Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ..
1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
avidreader_01
Experienced
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2010
- Posts
- 50
lol, too funny
Austin8
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 15, 2009
- Posts
- 12,779
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark; "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Mr. Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year, (on 5 July 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hits a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Mr. Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
Just last year, (on 5 July 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hits a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story: Don't read between the "lions."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
A NEW DRINK
A guy walks into a bar, sits down,
and asks, 'Bartender, got any specials today?'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of
fact we have a new drink, invented by
a Gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'
The bartender replied,
'It's a 'Pabst Smir'
A guy walks into a bar, sits down,
and asks, 'Bartender, got any specials today?'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of
fact we have a new drink, invented by
a Gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'
The bartender replied,
'It's a 'Pabst Smir'
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
- Joined
- Mar 1, 2000
- Posts
- 23,768
Bachelor Wisdom
Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. However, it's not so great if you think of it as dinner...
Nomenclature is an important part of bachelor cooking. If you call it "Italian cheese toast," it's not disgusting to have warmed-over pizza for breakfast.
---
The Good Ol' Days
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
---
Final Wishes
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
---
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Bachelor cooking is a matter of attitude. If you think of it as setting fire to things and making a mess, it's fun. However, it's not so great if you think of it as dinner...
Nomenclature is an important part of bachelor cooking. If you call it "Italian cheese toast," it's not disgusting to have warmed-over pizza for breakfast.
---
The Good Ol' Days
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular...
"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, and a magazine, some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!
Then Grandpa said sadly ..."You can't DO that any more...they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look......"
---
Final Wishes
Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!"
---
Buying Fabric
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
oggbashan
Dying Truth seeker
- Joined
- Jul 3, 2002
- Posts
- 56,017
The Royal Sussex Hospital announced today that it needs to recruit thirteen midwives.
Why has it got suddenly got vacancies for thirteen midwives when public service employment is being cut back?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Thirteen midwives are on maternity leave.
Og
Why has it got suddenly got vacancies for thirteen midwives when public service employment is being cut back?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Thirteen midwives are on maternity leave.
Og
YoursSINSerely
Still East of the River
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2009
- Posts
- 19,443
Must be something in the water!
"Last year I contracted an extremely rare tropical disease."
"You mean like the chikungunya virus?"
"No... frostbite."
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=260765&c=bc8cbd0eb1feea92dc5117df79a7e042
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=260231&c=a7681da0077a49258bae03204ffd67c6
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=259999&c=b9934048986b57fe3cc55c5625f3000e
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=259767&c=9a1616d2bdfdfa4c20edcb447f6afdcd
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=255571&c=ab3eea6ebc8bc93f480fff5999a7ef9a
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250953&c=ee1c8270d32b4e9c028e4667b188eb87
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250951&c=35340349aaa9429f61a8c49b447c5428
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250944&c=716dd7635bb603d6d0aa190a3194c962
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250943&c=8ef184693a8c3f96662feb15caf569d5
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=301348&c=495dbfccfa7107f5b018c89363cc6cb7
"You mean like the chikungunya virus?"
"No... frostbite."
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=260765&c=bc8cbd0eb1feea92dc5117df79a7e042
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=260231&c=a7681da0077a49258bae03204ffd67c6
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=259999&c=b9934048986b57fe3cc55c5625f3000e
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=259767&c=9a1616d2bdfdfa4c20edcb447f6afdcd
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=255571&c=ab3eea6ebc8bc93f480fff5999a7ef9a
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250953&c=ee1c8270d32b4e9c028e4667b188eb87
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250951&c=35340349aaa9429f61a8c49b447c5428
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250944&c=716dd7635bb603d6d0aa190a3194c962
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=250943&c=8ef184693a8c3f96662feb15caf569d5
http://img1.imagehyper.com/img.php?id=301348&c=495dbfccfa7107f5b018c89363cc6cb7
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
A firefighter's standing in front of the firehouse when a little girl comes along with a dog and a cat pulling a red wagon with small ladders hung from it and a garden hose coiled inside.
"That's quite a fire engine you have there," he says.
"Thank you," the little girl replies, "We're going to a fire."
The firefighter notices that the dog has a string on its collar to pull the wagon, but the cat has a string on its testicles.
"Don't you think you should tie that string on the kitty's collar?" he says.
"I could," the girl replies, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
"That's quite a fire engine you have there," he says.
"Thank you," the little girl replies, "We're going to a fire."
The firefighter notices that the dog has a string on its collar to pull the wagon, but the cat has a string on its testicles.
"Don't you think you should tie that string on the kitty's collar?" he says.
"I could," the girl replies, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
jehoram
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2010
- Posts
- 5,012
A guy is applying for health insurance with his new company, and is asked about any pre-existing conditions and what medications he's taking for them.
"I have a very strange neurological disorder," he says. "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"And what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper!"
"I have a very strange neurological disorder," he says. "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
"And what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper!"
- Status
