Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.' She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A man sitting nearby looked at her. 'By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?'

'Why, yes I am...how did you know?'

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'

 

[DG Hear]

Texas Bank Robbery

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to fill a
sack with cash. As the robber headed out the door, a brave Texas customer
grabbed the robber's hood and pulled it down, revealing his face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. The robber then
looked around and noticed another teller looking straight at him. The robber
instantly shot the teller, too.

By now, everyone was very scared and looking intently down at the floor in
silence.

The robber yelled out, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There were a few moments of utter silence when everyone was obviously afraid to speak. Finally, one old man raised his hand tentatively and said, "My
wife got a good look at you."

 

[JackLuis]

Donald Duck meets Glenn Beck

Nazi's Commies and Democrats, Oh MY!

 

[Handley_Page]

Back in the early days of the Colonies, Captain John Smith was berating the township populace in their monthly meeting.

He preaches that work isn't getting done, people are lazy and sex is becoming rampant and deviate. People have been observed having sexual relations with horses, cows, pigs, sheep, chickens.

Right then, from the back of the room, comes an incredulous comment, "Chickens?"

 

[Handley_Page]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.

He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

 

[DG Hear]

The Irish golfer and the leprechaun.

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...
a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Cops have snappy comebacks too...

These are comments allegedly made by police officers, taken from police car videos.

• "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.”

• “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.”

• “If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

• “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

• “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.”

• “You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

• “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. I'm the shift supervisor.”

• “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

• “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

• “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat corn dogs and cotton candy and step in monkey poop.”

• “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

• “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

• “How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”

• “No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”

• “I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours so you know someone who can post your bail.”

• “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”

 

[Zeb_Carter]

A New Business

A friend just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

You have to love this.

If we had only done this sooner we could have saved
billions...


The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation
of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck
Special Forces (USRSF)



These boys will be dropped off in
Afghanistan and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3.. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by next Monday.

http://www.pbase.com/the_vypers_pit/image/129181060.jpg

 

[EmeraldKitten]

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day..''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

 

[EmeraldKitten]

The Blonde and the cow


A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said, "by the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

It's nice to see a blonde win once in a while. lol.

 

[DG Hear]

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

 

[DG Hear]

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO.
PRETTY COOL SONG.

CLICK BELOW
http://nottotallyrad.blogspot.com/2009/11/waking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

 

[kimbalee]

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day..''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

hahahah!!! LOVE this!

 

[DG Hear]

Cinderella had married prince charming and they lived happily for
a couple of years. Then she began to get bored and started playing
around with other male members of the court and the land.

Her fairy godmother was very upset that Cindy was doing this and told her to
stop. well, Cinderella didnt listen, so the fairy godmother turned
Cinderellas personal parts into pumpkin pieces.

After a few weeks the fairy godmother checked in on cindy and found that Cinderella was grinning happily. Whats happened? youre no longer bored?

Oh no, replied Cindy! i've just met peter peter pumpkin eater!

 

[DG Hear]

A guy was sitting at a bar when his friend asked, Frank, what would
you do if you came home and found a guy humping your wife?

I'd break his white cane, trash his wheelchair and call the home he escaped from!

 

[Handley_Page]

Quotable Quotes

Never believe in mirrors or newspapers. -Tom Stoppard

Old age is no place for sissies. - Bette Davis

It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office. - Shirley MacLaine

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Linda Furney

 

[meathead96]

Prostitutes for 2011

I think they should round up all the whores in all the major cities and send them to DC.
Today they announced no raises for Soc Sec recipients, yet Congress got their annual raise.
Seems the only thing they do in DC is fuck people over. Prostitutes know how to do that well!

 

[teknight]

I think they should round up all the whores in all the major cities and send them to DC.
Today they announced no raises for Soc Sec recipients, yet Congress got their annual raise.
Seems the only thing they do in DC is fuck people over. Prostitutes know how to do that well!

Hold on now. Why are we supposed to suffer extra here?

 

[EmeraldKitten]

In honor of the upcoming holiday..

Why can't witches have babies?
~~Because their husbands have hallow-weenies.

Why are black cats such good singers?
~~They're very mewsical.

How do you spot a red neck on Halloween?
~~He is wearing a Confederate uniform and gives the kids a bottle of Budweiser.

Why don't witches wear panties?
~~To get a better grip on the broom!

What do you get when you cross a monster and a pig?
~~Frankenswine


10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

 

[Handley_Page]

He: "You don't seem at all satisfied"
She: "Well, you don't have a very big organ"
He: "The size of my organ is fine. It's just not used to playing City Hall"

 

[EmeraldKitten]

He: "You don't seem at all satisfied"
She: "Well, you don't have a very big organ"
He: "The size of my organ is fine. It's just not used to playing City Hall"

Muahahahahaa!

 

[DG Hear]

What's the ultimate rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

How does Pinocchio make love to his wife?
She sits on his face and he starts telling lies.

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog?
When eating pussy at least you can see the asshole in front of you.

 

[Weird Harold]

More from Arcamax.com

Darts Master
A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bullseye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bullseye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"

---

Fishing
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

 

[DG Hear]

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!