Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

I was getting my hair cut at a neighbourhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son for his first haircut.

Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Ingredients in Viagra

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Homeless Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

 

[DG Hear]

There's LAUGHTER in them thar PEWS!

> LOT'S WIFE
> The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and
> turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mom my
> looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and
> she turned into a telephone pole!'
>
> GOOD SAMARITAN
> A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
> Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
> roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'
> A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'
>
> DID NOAH FISH?
> A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
> fishing when he was on the Ark ?'
> 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'
>
> HIGHER POWER
> A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how
> powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a Higher
> Power.. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
> One child blurted out, 'Aces!'
>
> MOSES AND THE RED SEA
> Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
> School.
> 'Well, Mom , our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on
> a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to
> the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people
> walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements...
> They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were
> saved..'
> 'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother
> asked.
> 'Well, no, Mom . But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never
> believe it!'
>
> THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
> A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of
> the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters
> a month to learn the chapter.
>
> Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the
> Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
> On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the
> congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to
> the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all
> I need to know.'
>
> BEING THANKFUL
> A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'Your mother says your
> prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'
>
> The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'
>

 

[DG Hear]

More Laughter in the pews!

> UNANSWERED PRAYER
> The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused
> and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she
> asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so
> observant of his messages, 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good
> sermon.' 'So, how come He doesn't?' she asked.
>
> UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
> During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one
> of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into
> silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a
> thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and
> He did!'
>
> TIME TO PRAY
> A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
> 'Yes, sir.' the boy replied.
> 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.
> 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'
>
> EQUAL REPRESENTATION
> When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every
> family member, every friend, and every pet, current and past.
>
> For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
> say, 'All girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include
> this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why
> do you always add the part about all girls?'
> Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying
> 'All Men'!'
>
> SAY A PRAYER
> Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
> grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food
> was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating
> right away.
> 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
> 'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
> 'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before
> eating at our house.'
> 'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and
> she knows how to cook!'

 

[DG Hear]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, The first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, The third man prayed:
God,please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned into a woman.
She checked the map,
Hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way a woman tells you!

 

[DG Hear]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without

Missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

[DG Hear]

Not humorous but a good read just the same.

CARL'S GARDEN

Carl was a quiet man. He didn't talk much. He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake.

Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years, no one could really say they knew him very well.

Before his retirement, he took the bus to work each morning. The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us. He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII.

Watching him, we worried that although he had survived WWII, he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever-increasing random violence, gangs, and drug activity.

When he saw the flyer at our local church asking for volunteers for caring for the gardens behind the minister's residence, he responded in his characteristically unassuming manner. Without fanfare, he just signed up.

He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened. He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him. Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him, he simply asked, 'Would you like a drink from the hose?'

The tallest and toughest-looking of the three said, 'Yeah, sure,' with a malevolent little smile.

As Carl offered the hose to him, the other two grabbed Carl's arm, throwing him down. As the hose snaked crazily over the ground, dousing everything in its way, Carl's assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet, and then fled.

Carl tried to get himself up, but he had been thrown down on his bad leg. He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running to help him.
Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window, he couldn't get there fast enough to stop it.

'Carl, are you okay? Are you hurt?' the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet. Carl just passed a hand over his brow and sighed, shaking his head. 'Just some punk kids. I hope they'll wise-up someday.'

His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose. He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water. Confused and a little concerned, the minister asked, 'Carl, what are you doing?' 'I've got to finish my watering. It's been very dry lately,' came the calm reply.

Satisfying himself that Carl really was all right, the minister could only marvel.
Carl was a man from a different time and place.

A few weeks later the three returned. Just as before their threat was unchallenged. Carl again offered them a drink from his hose. This time they didn't rob him. They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head
to foot in the icy water.

When they had finished their humiliation of him, they sauntered off down the street, throwing catcalls and curses, falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done.

Carl just watched them. Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun, picked up his hose, and went on with his watering.

The summer was quickly fading into fall Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him. He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches.

As he struggled to regain his footing, he turned to see the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him. He braced himself for the expected attack.

'Don't worry old man, I'm not gonna hurt you this time.' The young man
spoke softly, still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl. As he helped Carl get up, the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and
handed it to Carl.

'What's this?' Carl asked. 'It's your stuff,' the man explained. 'It's your stuff back. Even the money in your wallet.'

'I don't understand,' Carl said. 'Why
would you help me now?'

The man shifted his feet, seeming embarrassed and ill at ease. 'I learned something from you,' he said. 'I ran with that gang and hurt people like you we picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it But every time we came and did something to you, instead of yelling and fighting back, you tried to give us a drink. You didn't hate us for hating you. You kept showing love against our hate.'

He stopped for a moment. 'I couldn't sleep after we stole your stuff, so here it is back.' He paused for another awkward moment, not knowing what more there was to say. 'That bag's my way of saying thanks for straightening me out, I guess.' And with that, he walked off down the street.

Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it. He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist. Opening his wallet, he
checked for his wedding photo. He gazed for a moment at the young bride
that still smiled back at him from all those years ago.

He died one cold day after Christmas that winter. Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather. In particular the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn't know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church.

The minister spoke of Carl's garden as a lesson in life. In a voice made thick with unshed tears, he said, 'Do your best and make your garden as

beautiful as you can. We will never forget Carl and his garden.'



The following spring another flyer went up. It read: 'Person needed to care for Carl's garden.' The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister's office door.

Opening the door, the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer. 'I believe this is my job, if you'll have me,' the young man said. The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl.

He knew that Carl's kindness had turned this man's life around. As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed, he said, 'Yes, go take care of Carl's garden and honor him.'

The man went to work and, over the next several years, he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done. During that time, he went to college, got married, and became a prominent member of the community. But he never forgot his promise to Carl's memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it.

One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn't care for the garden any longer. He explained with a shy and happy smile, 'My wife just had a baby boy last night, and she's bringing him home on Saturday.'

'Well, congratulations!' said the minister, as he was handed the garden shed
keys. 'That's wonderful! What's the baby's name?'

'Carl,' he replied.

That's the whole gospel message simply stated.

 

[DG Hear]

POWER OUTAGE

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an
explanation." The judge asked me what my explanation was,
so I told my story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf.
This ain't rocket science.' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a
tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square
glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working.
Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!
You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept
going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll
have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked
with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed
between glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the
grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the
clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said
'Case Dismissed!!'..

 

[DG Hear]

SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, LOVING COUPLE

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

 

[Handley_Page]

Unnecessary Inventions ...

* Makeup that is tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when You’re fifty?

* Colored Elastics for Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

* Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

* Juicers: Carrot-peach-avocado-rhubarb-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

* Colored Contact Lenses: Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

* Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

* The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

* Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

* Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats: You’re not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

* Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

* Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

 

[Handley_Page]

She: I love you , darling
He: I love you, too. [pause]
Why did you look down at me when I said I love you?
She: To see if you really meant it.

------------------------------------------

Man A: I don't understand my wife
Man B: Why's that?
Man A: She won't have sex with me for weeks and then she wants to kill any woman that does!

 

[DG Hear]

Who's your daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.


5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS !!!!!!

 

[YoursSINSerely]

While on vacation in Rome , I noticed a marble column in St. Peter's with a golden telephone on it. As a young priest passed by, I asked who the telephone was for. The priest told me it was a direct line to heaven, and if I'd like to call, it would be a thousand dollars. I was amazed, but declined the offer.

Throughout Italy , I kept seeing the same golden telephone on a marble column. At each, I asked about it and the answer was always the same: It was a direct line to heaven and I could call for a thousand dollars.

Then - I finished my tour in Ireland . I decided to attend Mass at a local village church.. When I walked in the door I noticed the golden telephone. Underneath it there was a sign stating: "DIRECT LINE TO HEAVEN: 25 cents." "Father," I said, "I have been all over Italy and in all the cathedrals I visited, I've seen telephones exactly like this one. But the price is always a thousand dollars. Why is it that this one is only 25 cents?"
The priest smiled and said, "Darlin', you're in Ireland now. It's a local call."

Happy St. Patrick's Day, a little early!!

 

[YoursSINSerely]

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

 

[YoursSINSerely]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Italian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly Italian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I tinka maybe my wifa caughta glimpse"

 

[DG Hear]

Cremate Me

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

 

[DG Hear]

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said , 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'

 

[DG Hear]

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

 

[DG Hear]

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

 

[Handley_Page]

entered in error

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Damn good joke, you two! I read the same one this morning.

 

[DG Hear]

entered in error

What kind of joke is that HP??? I do have to say it made me smile.
DG

 

[DG Hear]

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you cant afford to lose, you shouldnt bet."

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie But Goodie!!!

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing his inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what shes talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

The guy says, " If you think Im sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!