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The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."
 
Migraine Cure

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
 
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Wife saves Drunk Husband
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After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
 
Sick Husband
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.
 
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...



on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said...



















"Clean my house."










This was forwarded to me with this explanation:
There are female jokes and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke.

I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it!
 
The average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans, on average, drink about 22 gallons
of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to
the gallon.
 
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would lookup every so often and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
 
Just received this one from a friend. Posted it before but it's been awhile.
DG

Cup of Tea.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 3 years old, and someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift. It was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her sit quietly in another room, so mom could watch me bring dad the cup of tea, because I was so cute.

Mom waited, and sure enough, I came walking down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

Mom watches dad drink from the tea cup.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
 
Marriage Lessons

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
 
Male assertiveness
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.
 
I have a question!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?


Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulders and Your hand over my mouth. Amen
 
Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 
A Short Spelling Lesson...

The last four letters in American ---- I Can

The last four letters in Republican -- I Can

The last four letters in Democrats --- Rats

End of Lesson!

-----------------

No need to thank me, I am just helping you expand your knowledge.
 
Sad news and a bit of a smile

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch.

The graveside was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 
A wife was getting frustrated with her husband's inattention to keeping up with repairs around the house.
"Honey, my car isn't starting properly. The battery is old and I'm going to get stuck one day. Can't you replace it for me?"
All he said was,"Do I look like a mechanic?"

A week later, after some rain, she said, "Honey, there was water in the upstairs bathroom. The roof is leaking. Can't you get up there and fix it?"
All he said was, "Do I look like a roofer?"

Another week went by and she said, "Honey, the gate in the back yard is falling off. Can't you fix it for me?"
All he said was, "Do I look like a carpenter?"

Three days later when he came home from work, his wife was smiling, singing to herself and very content. "So," he says, "what's got you so happy?"

"Well dear, a man came by today looking for odd jobs. I told him that my car needed a new battery installed, the roof needed fixing and the garden gate needed to be reset. He said he would be happy to do all of that if I would bake him a chocolate cake or make love to him."

"So, how did he like the cake?" her husband asked.

"Do I look like Betty Crocker?"
 
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they're senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two State Troopers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

'Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?'

Sally said, 'No'. Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he getting senile'.

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said 'Tell us the story from the beginning.'

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.....'

The first RCMP officer turned to his partner and said, 'We're outta here!'
 
Is my time up?

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
Whilst on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.

Whilst crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded,

"I thought you said I had another 43 years to live. Why didn't you pull me from the path of that ambulance?"

(You'll love this)


God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
 
Just received this, thought it was cute and thought I would share. I didn't write it.
DG

Here's a poem : Winter Wonderland

It's winter in Ohio,
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 2 below,

Oh, how I love Ohio,
When the snow's up to your butt:
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around,
I could never leave Ohio,
Cause I'm frozen to the ground
:D
 
A wife is fed up with her husband who depends on her for all things domestic.

"Why can't you be like Angie's husband Ralph?" she hollers. "She's taught him how to cook, clean, sew and grocery shop so he can survive when she's dead. What would you do if I died?"

The husband thinks for a minute.

"I'd move in with Ralph."
 
OzDave said:
I wouldn't recommend opening the pages that are required. I get warnings about malicious software and there is no way I am subscribing to some phone number just to see what might be hidden. The pages scream "scam" and "phishing" to me.
Click to expand...

Have reported it as spam but don't know how fast it will be removed.
 
OneLustyWench said:
Have reported it as spam but don't know how fast it will be removed.
Click to expand...

Hi Lusty, I wanted to report it too. I see it is spam and put on a number of threads. Can't remember how to report it. A little help please. I thought there was a report button on the thread but don't see it, old you know.
Oh by the way, thanks for reading and posting on the humor thread.
DG:)
 
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