Boxlicker101
Licker of Boxes
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2003
- Posts
- 33,665
It would be a neat idea if they could develop one.
It would have to be very strongly made, much like a bank vault, although probably smaller.Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
- Start date
- Status
It would be a neat idea if they could develop one.
It would have to be very strongly made, much like a bank vault, although probably smaller.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors,
and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, so that's why no one was at church today."
and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter,
"Well, so that's why no one was at church today."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Home from the Air Force
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!"
And the dick sprang to life. Then it was "Dick, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Lion Tamer
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
TEQUILA
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, What are the three tests? You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender stuffs it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex..
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender....... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, What are the three tests? You must pay first... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender stuffs it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex..
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender....... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
English revenge.
A United supporter called Adam is feeling the flipside of his alleged coin attack - with furious City fans bombarding his house with pranks. His name and address were released by police after the season ticket holder was charged with throwing a coin at a player during the local derby last week.
Within 24 hours, the enraged City supporters had ordered him £150-worth of pizzas, a skip, rat exterminators and two prostitutes.
The barrage of jokes didn't end there either. City supporters also:
- Requested a visit from an Avon rep
- Signed him up online as a rent boy
- Applied for an Finance loan for his mum
- Reported a gas leak in the middle of the night so he got a call out within the hour
- Booked a rep to go and see him about getting an indoor swimming pool
- Ordered him a 4 ft tall Bronze figurine of Winston Churchill on a 14 day trial
- Sent a breakdown truck
- Sent Jehovah's Witnesses round
- Sent workers to tarmac his drive at 6am
- Grassed him up for growing drugs at his house
- Grassed him up for being a benefit cheat
- Got him a weekend booking of a 1957 Pink Cadillac complete with 1950's style Elvis dressed chauffer
- Signed up his phone number to receive adult chat
- Ordered him a Daffy Duck bouncy castle and puppet show for his garden
- Booked Squeaky the Clown to go and perform for him .
A United supporter called Adam is feeling the flipside of his alleged coin attack - with furious City fans bombarding his house with pranks. His name and address were released by police after the season ticket holder was charged with throwing a coin at a player during the local derby last week.
Within 24 hours, the enraged City supporters had ordered him £150-worth of pizzas, a skip, rat exterminators and two prostitutes.
The barrage of jokes didn't end there either. City supporters also:
- Requested a visit from an Avon rep
- Signed him up online as a rent boy
- Applied for an Finance loan for his mum
- Reported a gas leak in the middle of the night so he got a call out within the hour
- Booked a rep to go and see him about getting an indoor swimming pool
- Ordered him a 4 ft tall Bronze figurine of Winston Churchill on a 14 day trial
- Sent a breakdown truck
- Sent Jehovah's Witnesses round
- Sent workers to tarmac his drive at 6am
- Grassed him up for growing drugs at his house
- Grassed him up for being a benefit cheat
- Got him a weekend booking of a 1957 Pink Cadillac complete with 1950's style Elvis dressed chauffer
- Signed up his phone number to receive adult chat
- Ordered him a Daffy Duck bouncy castle and puppet show for his garden
- Booked Squeaky the Clown to go and perform for him .
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Lady's yearly exam
So I went to the doctor for my yearly physical today.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale. ~ Turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2".
hmph...
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was
tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!
So I went to the doctor for my yearly physical today.
The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale. ~ Turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2".
hmph...
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was
tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs
make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring , so he hurried to open
the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied,
'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you
don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in
my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs
make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring , so he hurried to open
the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said
'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied,
'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Wittle Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Monkey Organization
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
OneLustyWench
One very wicked wench
- Joined
- Oct 8, 2006
- Posts
- 4,052
When you know you've had enough snow:
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Summer's almost here ..we can now see the deer moving around in our back yard.
Yep, won't be long.
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/deer.jpg
Yep, won't be long.
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/deer.jpg
Boxlicker101
Licker of Boxes
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2003
- Posts
- 33,665
It will be almost another four weeks. Remember, Punxatawney Phil saw his shadow two weeks ago, which means six more weeks of winter.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Living with the Wolf Man
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
stephen55
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 6, 2010
- Posts
- 2,564
A woman comes home from her visit to the doctor. Her husband finds her in the bathroom, nude, smiling, admiring her self in the mirror, turning side to side.
"What are you so happy about?" he asks.
"The doctor gave me a wonderful compliment, saying I have the breasts of a twenty year old."
Her husband snickers and says, "Did the doc say anything about your forty year old ass?"
"Why, no dear," she replies, "your name didn't come up at all."
"What are you so happy about?" he asks.
"The doctor gave me a wonderful compliment, saying I have the breasts of a twenty year old."
Her husband snickers and says, "Did the doc say anything about your forty year old ass?"
"Why, no dear," she replies, "your name didn't come up at all."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:
*
1.*The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
*
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
*
4. A dog's parents never visit.
*
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
*
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
*
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
*
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
*
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
*
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
*
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
*
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
*
And last, but certainly not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
*
1.*The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
*
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
*
4. A dog's parents never visit.
*
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
*
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
*
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
*
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
*
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
*
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
*
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
*
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
*
And last, but certainly not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Hunting Dog
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
The Mink Coat
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.
"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.
"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Esperanza_Hidalgo
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 26, 2009
- Posts
- 2,614
Trinique_Fire
Daddi's Princess
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2004
- Posts
- 10,550
LMFAO!
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,287
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT is getting even!
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat."
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'.
They love to hate each other, and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
"Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more, and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!"
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT is getting even!
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Goodbye To Mother
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
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