Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

Like the nurse DG Hear

 

[DG Hear]

perfect day

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

I think my perfect day would be quite different.
DG

 

[JackLuis]

Horoscope Advice.

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Speed-dating may not have worked for you in the past, but this time, try it without so much methamphetamine in your system.

 

[DG Hear]

6o plus deodorant

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom " .

I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!

 

[DG Hear]

Housework

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that......... Charles was too tired.'

 

[DG Hear]

Wife and best friend!

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"

 

[OzDave]

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.

They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.

 

[DG Hear]

Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."

 

[DG Hear]

Oldie but still funny
DG

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

 

[DG Hear]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Funny!

I'm crying DG Hear.

Now here's a corny addition.

Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape

2. Solar Powered Flash Light

3. A black highlighter pen

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses

5. Inflatable Anchor

6. Smooth Sandpaper

7. Waterproof sponge

8. Waterproof Teabags

9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators

10. Fireproof Matches

11. Fireproof Cigarettes

12. Battery powered Battery Charger

13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes

14. Hand powered Chainsaw

15. Inflatable Dartboard

16. Silent Alarm Clock

17. A Pedal powered wheelchair

18. Braille Drivers Manual

19. Double sided playing cards

20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

 

[Tarakin]

Mary: "So somehow we started talking about doctors and hospitals and surgeries, and I told him about my breast surgery."

Jill: "And then?"

Mary: "Well, naturally, he asked, "Could I just SEE 'em?"

Jill: "And you told him no, I hope."

Mary: "Yeah, I said, No, 'just see 'em' becomes 'just touch 'em, 'and 'just touch 'em' becomes 'just kiss 'em,' and 'just kiss 'em' becomes 'just suck 'em.' and..."

Jill: "And what?"

Mary: "And I asked, Wanna see 'em in the bedroom?"

 

[DesertPirate]

Sitting together on a train were Barack Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady and a young very attractive blond girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a very loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks a word.

The little old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped him…

The blond girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the little old lady and she slapped him…

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blond in the dark; she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead…

George W. thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that sucker again!

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

Sitting together on a train were Barack Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady and a young very attractive blond girl.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a very loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks a word.

The little old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped him…

The blond girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the little old lady and she slapped him…

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blond in the dark; she tried to slap him but missed and got me instead…

George W. thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that sucker again!

Rotflmao

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

http://www.faceless.co.za/comics/faceless.20100111.140.jpg

 

[DG Hear]

Pirate, Sheena and others, thanks for posting. Some cute stuff there. The more others post here, the less I have to in order to keep the thread active.
Thanks all
DG

 

[stephen55]

Back around 1910, two American couples are taking the train across Canada. The women spend their time in the observation car, while the men play poker, drink and smoke cigars in the club car. The train stops in the middle of the wide Canadian prairie.

"Wonder where we are?" says one man.
"I'll go see," says the other and wanders out onto the platform, where he sees an old gent in a rocking chair.
"My good man," starts our traveler, "can you please tell me where we are?"
The old gent smiles and says, "Saskatoon Saskatchewan."
Back in the club car, the other man says, "So, where are we?" and gets this reply.
"Damned if I know. They don't speak English here."

 

[Handley_Page]

Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape

2. Solar Powered Flash Light [seen this one ]

3. A black highlighter pen

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses

5. Inflatable Anchor

6. Smooth Sandpaper

7. Waterproof sponge

8. Waterproof Teabags

9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators [seen this one ]

10. Fireproof Matches [seen this one ]

11. Fireproof Cigarettes

12. Battery powered Battery Charger [seen this one ]

13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes

14. Hand powered Chainsaw

15. Inflatable Dartboard

16. Silent Alarm Clock

17. A Pedal powered wheelchair [seen this one ]

18. Braille Drivers Manual

19. Double sided playing cards

20. Ejector seats for Helicopters [it's been tried ]

================

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this one.
DG

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker - Billy Connolly:

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 

[oggbashan]

I'm crying DG Hear.

Now here's a corny addition.

Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape It exists. Tape that only sticks to itself. Popular for sexual bondage.

2. Solar Powered Flash Light Widely sold in the UK. It is recharged during daylight hours and used at night.


3. A black highlighter pen

4. Glow in the dark sunglasses

5. Inflatable Anchor Depends on the meaning of "anchor". There are anchors for fixing to buildings that inflate, usually with foam.


6. Smooth Sandpaper

7. Waterproof sponge Widely used for packaging materials. Will deaden impacts but not get wet.


8. Waterproof Teabags Sold for expeditions. Will remain dry in individual foil packs until opened for use.


9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators These exist. Why not?

10. Fireproof Matches Been around a long time. They are called safety matches because you can only strike them on sandpaper or glass. Earlier matches, and current Swan Vestas, will strike on almost anything and will ignite if crushed or stepped on.


11. Fireproof Cigarettes Not quite but electrically powered cigarette replacements exist. They look like cigarettes, provide a nicotine hit, but cannot be lit.


12. Battery powered Battery Charger Charges small cell batteries from a Car Battery.


13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes Has been tried but not recently.


14. Hand powered Chainsaw

15. Inflatable Dartboard

16. Silent Alarm Clock You can buy this in the UK. It works by flashing a bright light. It is very useful for the profoundly deaf.


17. A Pedal powered wheelchair These were produced in the twenties with hand driven pedals.


18. Braille Drivers Manual

19. Double sided playing cards

20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

As shown above, some of these aren't as useless as you might have thought at first sight.

Og

 

[DG Hear]

Lookin For Love

At the local Bar a guy walks up on the Karoake stage.
with shit on his mustache he sings "lookin for love in all the wrong
places"

 

[Handley_Page]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners:

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will
detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling!

Just dead terrorists.

 

[DG Hear]

Memory Class

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

 

[DG Hear]

Second Opinion

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.

She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.

"Getting a second opinion!"