Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Thanks for posting on the humor thread Sheena. Please come back and visit often.
DG

Money Quotes

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn

 

[Handley_Page]

Best firewall Ever ...

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x
100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875
Terabyte/sec

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5
terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby
being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets
through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

 

[DG Hear]

Politics Quotes

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Okay, here's my try

Name Your Penis


This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies.'" The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to his left, with a smile, looks back and says, "'Timex.'"

The Thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking'!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "'Ford', because quality is Job 1," Then adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to The bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret'. Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why 'Secret'?"

The customer says, "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman!"

 

[DG Hear]

Esperanza_Hidalgo, thanks for contributing to the humor thread. It good to see more posters. Please come back often.
DG

Wisdom Quotes

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Samuel Palmer

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Esperanza_Hidalgo, thanks for contributing to the humor thread. It good to see more posters. Please come back often.
DG

'Tis fun DG Hear, and thanks for the welcome mat.

 

[stephen55]

based on a true story....

Three Newfies were sitting around telling stories. This is one of them.

By's, I wuz down Conception Bay ways...doin' some squiddin'. I cum in... fine feed a squid, fine feed....an' this fella cums up...'Mericun he wuz an' he sez he does..."I uz just watchin' some scuba divers," scuba divers he sez, an' he sez "How cum they alluz fall backerds off the side a the boat?"

Now, what ya gonna do with a fella that thick? By tunderin' Jezaas by's...what ya gonna do? So I figurs I gotta set 'im straight...straight like...else, how's he gonna know...how's he gonna know? So I tells 'im...I tells 'im, "It's like this, like this by'," I tells 'im, " Cuz if they fell forerds off the side a the boat...they'd still be in the fuckin' boat, now wouldn't they!!"

 

[kimbalee]

LMAO! thank you stephen, that was very funny.

 

[JackLuis]

Pocket Tazer

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it Stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling ..

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S.... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[DG Hear]

It's wonderful to see more people posting on the humor thread. JackLuis, stephen55, Esperanza_Hidalgo, the humor was great. And thank you Kimberly for posting and supporting our thread. Always good to hear from you.

Women Quotes

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

LMAO! thank you stephen, that was very funny.

LOL! I completely agree with that

Hiya DG

 

[Sheena_Sinzli]

From the mouths of babes

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.

I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???


Judas Asparagus

Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been
invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.
Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother,
Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.
Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments.
These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies.

Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines.
My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.
One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.

(I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?'
It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like
the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man.
He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.
Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.
He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 

[SmileWhenYouMeanIt]

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for some time in a shop window. You may adore it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

 

[DG Hear]

More new posters, thank you Sheena_Sinzli (love the AV) and SmileWhenYouMeanIt. Please visit often.
DG


No more kids please

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.

Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"

"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."

The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"

"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."

The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

If only . . .

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

 

[OzDave]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot..

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but....

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting new granite bench tops."

 

[DG Hear]

Work quotes

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

 

[DG Hear]

End of the quotes.
DG

Writers Quotes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

 

[DG Hear]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a Do It Yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel.'

Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.'

 

[DG Hear]

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

 

[DG Hear]

Just had this sent to me by a friend across the oceans.
DG

The Funniest Banking Joke in Ages!

I guess we all need a few laughs in this time of financial turmoil.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for pounds. It was obvious she was a little irritated. . . . .

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat pounds fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change ?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!''

 

[stephen55]

Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for some time in a shop window. You may adore it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

How true. It reminds me of a saying that might have something to do with why marriage can be problematic as time goes on.

A man marries a woman, hoping she will never change. A woman marries a man, hoping he will change.

 

[stephen55]

A joke I got from a good buddy..........

A fellow has a heart attack and collapses unconscious on the street. When he wakes up, he is in a bed in a Catholic run hospital. A woman from the hospital accounting department pays a visit.

"Good morning sir. I'm Sister Joan from accounting and I'm here to ask after how you are going to pay for your hospital care. Do you have any health insurance?"

"No," the man says, "I don't have anything like that."

"Well then sir, do you have sufficient funds to settle your bill?"

"No Sister, I'm flat broke...the economy you know."

"Okay, then do you have family that can help you in this matter?"

"Uh...no...all I have is my kid sister and she's a spinster nun, like yourself.

Sister Joan smiles and says, "Sir, nuns are not spinsters...we are married to Christ."

The guy thinks a bit and then says, "Well, you could always try sending the bill to my brother in-law."

 

[DG Hear]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny blew up a balloon and started flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother told him to stop it as he was liable to break something, but the boy continued. "Johnny!" his mom screamed. "Knock it off! You're going to break something." He stopped and eventually his mom left for a short trip to the grocery store.

Johnny started up with the balloon again after his mom had left for the store. He gave it one last flick and it landed in the toilet . . . which is exactly where he left it.

His mom came in and before she could put away the groceries, she got the urge to go RIGHT NOW. Yes, it was really bad diarrhea. She could hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it all came.

When she finished, she looked down and couldn't believe what she saw. This big, brown, bubbly-looking thing in the toilet! She called her doctor. The doctor was totally baffled as she described the situation, and he assured her that he would drive over shortly to examine everything. He never made house calls, but the curiosity was killing him.

When he arrived, she led him to the bathroom. He got down on his knees and took a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he took out his pen and touched it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon exploded and poop went everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asked.

He said, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

 

[DG Hear]

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.