Humor Thread

[kingdenman]

How is sex like paintball?

It's fast, exhilarating, enjoyable, and when it's all over you're just happy if you aren't the one who got shot in the face.

 

[DG Hear]

The Ohio Cow


The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Canton, Ohio for $200.00.

They bought the cow from Ohio and the cow was wonderful.

The cow produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.

However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening.

"Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked,

"Did you buy this cow in Ohio?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.


"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Ohio?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Ohio."

 

[DG Hear]

For Flipping Me The Bird

My dad was traveling down a Pennsylvania highway when he came across a construction zone (imagine that construction in PA!). He noticed a state trooper in his rear view mirror so he slowed down to the 45MPH speed limit in the zone.

Near the end of the construction area, he noticed a large black object flying towards his vehicle. He felt a slight bump and saw in his mirror that a large bird (possibly a turkey or crow) had hit him and was bounced right into the windshield of the state trooper.

The trooper immediately turned on his light and pulled my dad over. The trooper asked if my dad was hurt in anyway. My dad replied that he was OK and questioned the trooper about his condition. He replied, "I am OK, but I am going to have to give you a ticket."

My dad got upset and wanted to know why.

The trooper answered, "For flipping me the bird!"

 

[DG Hear]

This is bad.

Meet the pig

With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

[DG Hear]

Making a Baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife good-bye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the door bell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there. '

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied.. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I ha d to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? '

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted.

 

[DG Hear]

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day " Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

 

[Handley_Page]

A real advert found in our local paper:-

 

[DG Hear]

Best Christmas Decoration ever!

Read the caption below…hilarious!
http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/pic-2.jpg


“Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.
The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days.

I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t

realize that it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).

By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either.

I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”

 

[DG Hear]

The journey of a man

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[DG Hear]

Had this before but I think it's still true and men need to be warned.
DG

Subject Drug Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

 

[DG Hear]

Age Vs Wisdom

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,

"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

 

[DG Hear]

I know this to be true, there was a zoologist on the Bonnie Hunt show who had a female Reindeer with him. Joke is cute too. LOL
DG

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[JackLuis]

Outsourcing Globaly

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy and everything crazy going on in my life I called the Suicide Hotline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[DG Hear]

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "Ive got a big problem, doctor.""Every time were in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "thats completelynatural.I dont see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

 

[DG Hear]

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.

"What are you doing?" he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover "See, I told you he was stupid."

 

[DG Hear]

"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

"I dont know, but I promise Ill never do it again."

 

[Crudebug]

The journey of a man

Thanks for the heads up...
Better to listen to the VICE of Sexperience and so am sticking to tits..

 

[DG Hear]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife,
Diane, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Fred leaned over, touched Diane’s arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Fred’s life of celibacy..........

 

[DG Hear]

Just received this. Thought I should pass it on.
DG

Al Sharpton Blasts Tiger Woods for Lack of Mistress Diversity

The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for
the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack
of African-American women among Woods' harem will have a negative affect on
the black community, specifically young black girls.

"Why is it that a man who calls himself black can't bring himself to cheat
on his wife with a black woman?" said Sharpton, speaking to a group of
supporters in Harlem. "What does it say to young black girls everywhere
when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy
say?"

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said
that today's black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it
comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive
black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both
of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed
that cheating with African-American women would help the black community
financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to
tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, "I'm not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I'm just
asking you to give back to your own community."

 

[TE999]

I have a rather long Xmas humor post, so I gave it it's own thread: 'Children's Letters To Santa'. Check it out.

Tom.

 

[spicecajun]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f'uckin one ?"

 

[DG Hear]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favor mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f'uckin one ?"

Thanks Spice, Always good to hear from you. Love the AV.
DG

 

[spicecajun]

Thanks Spice, Always good to hear from you. Love the AV.
DG

Thanks. A friend, who I don't think posts on here anymore, came up with that a long long time ago.

Here is another one. I can't remember where I read it. Might have been here so sorry if it's a repeat.



An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As he is on his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse"

 

[spicecajun]

This guy hears that there's good bear hunting up in Alaska. So he buys a plane ticket and gear and goes up there. The day after he arrives, he goes out and in a clearing was a black bear ,so he drops to one knee, aims and drops the bear dead in its tracks. Then theres a tap on his shoulder and theres this big brown bear. And the bear says, “Hey buddy, you just killed my friend. Now I'm either gonna maul ya or have sex with ya.” What could the guy do, so the bear had sex with him. Then the guy leaves.
Then he remembered the black bear, so he went back for it. But the brown bear was there, so he drops to one to knee and kills it. Then there's a tap on his shoulder and it's a huge kodiak bear.The bear says, “Hey, that was my friend -- now I'm either gonna have to maul ya or have sex with ya.” Again the man does it with the bear and leaves. Again, he remembers he forgot the bear. So he goes back and he sees that kodiak bear, so he drops down to one knee and shoots it and kills it. Then there's another tap on his shoulder so he turns and there's a huge polar bear and the bear says, “You don't come down for the hunting, do ya...?”

 

[spicecajun]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.