Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Bens dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping.

"What are the holes for?" Ben asked.

"They're knot holes," said his dad.

"What are they, then, if they're not holes?" asked Ben.

 

[DG Hear]

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.

"Whats the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.

Johnny replied: "that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home...I just want her to stay with you guys."

 

[seizability]

a little something

Frank is coming home from work, having not been asked to go out for a drink with the guys, he is just going to sit and watch TV, maybe order a pizza.

Whilst walking home he spots a sign on a pet shop -- "Talking Caterpillar-$5000"-- Frank is all too happy to pay the money for such an amazing insect, and buys it.

After taking it home he sets it up in the new glass case he bought it, gave it a little bark and some leaves, and ask it; clearly and slowly: "Do you want to go for a drink tonight?"...he gets no answer...strange, but he decides to leave it for a bit.

He comes back after ten minutes and repeats; just as clearly: "Do you want to go for a drink, with me, tonight?"...still no answer. At this point Frank is getting a little angry, he just spent $5000 on a talking caterpillar that doesn't talk.

He comes back to the caterpillar after another 30 minutes and says: "Right, if you don't answer me right now I'm taking you back to the pet shop in the morning; do you want to go, with me, for a drink tonight?"...to which the caterpillar replies:

"I heard you the first time asshole, I'm just putting some shoes on!"

 

[DG Hear]

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?"

"Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver.

"Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."

 

[DG Hear]

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from I knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there aint!"

 

[JackLuis]

Merry Christmas to all Humor posters and readers.


"We've never had a Democrat in the family before."

Good one Pirate.

 

[DG Hear]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike.

"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "Ive tried that many times - it never worked."

 

[DG Hear]

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife:

"When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I cant marry anyone after you."Johnson:

"But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"Johnson:

"Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

(sometimes they take awhile to sink it)

 

[DG Hear]

Casey married a rich widow, but they didnt get along.
One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

 

[Handley_Page]

CAN YOU NAME THESE CHRISTMAS SONGS?

1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas

2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres

3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling

4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors

5. The apartment of two psychiatrists

6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist

7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis

8. Decorate the entryways

9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element

10. Oh small Israel urban center

11. Far off in a haybin

12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole

13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season

14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation

15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season

16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully

17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark hours

18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction

19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe

20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ?

21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck

22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster

23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans

24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

CAN YOU NAME THESE CHRISTMAS SONGS?

1. Oh, member of the round table with missing areas - Oh, Holy Night

2. Boulder of the tinkling metal spheres - Jingle Bell Rock

3. Vehicular homicide was committed on Dad's mom by a precipitous darling - Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

4. Wanted in December: top forward incisors - All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth

5. The apartment of two psychiatrists - Home for the Holidays?

6. The lad is a diminutive percussionist - The Little Drummer Boy

7. Sir Lancelot with laryngitis - Silent Night

8. Decorate the entryways - Deck the Halls

9. Cup-shaped instruments fashioned of a whitish metallic element - Silver Bells

10. Oh small Israel urban center - Oh Little Town of Bethlehem

11. Far off in a haybin - Away in a Manger

12. We are Kong, Lear, and Nat Cole - We Three Kings

13. Duodecimal enumeration of the passage of the yuletide season - The Twelve Days of Christmas

14. Leave and broadcast from an elevation - Go tell it on the Mountain

15. Our fervent hope is that you thoroughly enjoy your yuletide season - We Wish You a Merry Christmas

16. Listen, the winged heavenly messengers are proclaiming tunefully - Hark, The Herald Angels Sing

17. As the guardians of the woolly animals protected their charges in the dark hours - Sheperds in the Field at Night

18. I beheld a trio of nautical vessels moving in this direction - I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In

19. Jubilation to the entire terrestrial globe - Joy to the World

20. Do you perceive the same vibrations which stimulate my auditory sense organ? - Do You Hear What I Hear?

21. A joyful song of reverence relative to hollow metallic vessels which vibrate and bring forth a ringing sound when struck - Jingle Bells

22. Parent was observed osculating a red-coated unshaven teamster - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

23. May the Deity bestow an absence of fatigue to mild male humans - God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen

24. Rose-colored uncouth dolf is aware of the nature of precipitation, darling- Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer

 

[DG Hear]

Great Job Crim! Now that was good!


Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

 

[DG Hear]

Tiger's Christmas Poem

T'was the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatinn' on Elin, and the story progressed
Woman after woman stepped up and confesses.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly and Jaimee and Cori,
with Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sending them texts.

Despite all his cryin and beggin' and pleadin'.
Tiger's wife went investin'--a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're getting' laid then I'm getting' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer.
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.......

 

[DG Hear]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

 

[DG Hear]

Letter From Santa

2 Cold Street
North Pole, Canada
H0H 0H0

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all the gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas", but we had a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling, have all come down with "VD" from fiddling with the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords a leaping have knocked up the eight maids a milking, and the nine pipers playing, have been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree, have me up to my butt in bird crap.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined Gay Liberation, and those dumbass Newfoundlanders have re-scheduled Christmas for the 5th of February.

Sincerely,
Santa

 

[DG Hear]

Congress and the day berfore Christmas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think
"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.

And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"

They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)

Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),

Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!

But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at all,
our millionaire Congress decides on the budget
land trimming Medicare and Medicaid will do it, they say.

In this season for giving, our Congress is taking.
We've had it with them and our backs are breaking.
With hard times, disasters, and layoffs on our dockets,
we bit the bullet and they fill their pockets!

Oh jobless, oh homeless, oh desperate and needy -
dare anyone say our Congress is greedy?

If in this feeling I'm not alone,
take up your pen or pick up your phone.
As dry leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
let the road of your anger mount to the sky.

Indignant, outraged, appalled and beset
let your congressman know that you won't forget!
When election times comes -- and certain it will --
you're voting him out for passing that bill.

More rapid than eagles, their elections assured
they toasted each other and laughed at the herd.
And I heard them exclaim with adjournment at hand,

"Merry Christmas to us, and the public be damned!

 

[DG Hear]

You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

 

[DG Hear]

The Golden Years


As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.


VERY INSPIRING!



I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

And I'm pretty damn good at it, too

 

[BlackShanglan]

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

HAH! I love a good bad joke, and this is a great one.

 

[DG Hear]

This was a Christmas wish from Maxine. I would like to pass it on to all the female readers of the Humor Thread.
DG

Merry Christmas To My Female Friends

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year

 

[Crudebug]

This thread really rocks....
Always get a chuckle and even though i find it hard to find time to post... I do peek in and get a regular does of laughter the best medicine from Dr, DG.. and the rest of the visiting doctors who can nurse any depressed soul back to mirth and a merry heart...
Compliments of the Season to you all and Merry Christmas to those who indulge in the Christmas spirit

 

[DG Hear]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make,I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with only one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods.

To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

[DG Hear]

Santa is a Woman?
Author Unknown

I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Hello out there all people of the world.

This is Santa and I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.


The first result showed:
428,534,120 Good
428,523,119 Bad
The second result showed:
428,534,118 Good
428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not. So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.
You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times,


Sincerely
Santa

 

[DG Hear]

All I Needed to Know About
Life I learned from Santa

Encourage people to believe in you.

Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

Don't pout.

It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

Some days it's ok to feel a little chubby.

Make your presents known.

Always ask for a little bit more than what you really want.

Bright red can make anyone look good.

Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

Whenever you're at a loss for words, say:
"HO, HO, HO!"