Humor Thread

[MoeDick]

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly
physical. The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.
"135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I
was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch

 

[Crudebug]

This lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane. She knew
she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the
clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."
Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"
Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

ohhh nooooooo
Now Look what you've gone and done...
Given the sinking airlines another way to plug their losses...
It is bad enough they started charging for baggage which was previously part of the ticket, and now you have to pay even for water on som any full service airlines.. most of whom have taken out in-flight movies and amke you rent expensive DVD players at your seat,... now one airline is charging for blankets.. and I actually overheard the one steward tell another, we need to get the temperature down as we did not rent enough blankets on this flight. made me wonder if they were getting a commission...
Now Virgin will start charging for using the TOILETS on the flight.. where will they stop.... I have half a mind of pissing in my seat and letting them have to bear the cost of replacing one...
Australia already tried charging more for fatter passengers..
and now
Gawwwwd.. if the CEO of any airline is reading this thread, we'll e given the option of flying cheaper nude..
I know most of you will be happy.. but brace, brace brace...
Let me tell you.. the chances of being seated next to a female beauty is much less than that of finding yourself next to a dried banana or droopy mangoes..

 

[Crudebug]

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM
>>>
She put me on Prozac.
What a bitch

rotflmao.. how depressing...

 

[Crudebug]

Definitions

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\:
A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\:
what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\:
a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\:
what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\:
what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\:
How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\:
two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\:
a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\:
what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\:
removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\:
what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\:
what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\:
describes 250 pounds in a size six
or
appears stressed

Selfish \sel'-fish\:
what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\:
like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\:
brought litigation against a government official

 

[DG Hear]

Cute stuff, Handley, Crude and Moe. Thank you for posting on the humor thread. Please post often.
DG

 

[Crudebug]

Aquadextrous (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Elbonics (el bon' iks) n.
The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

Frust (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Peppier (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (pup'kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

 

[Crudebug]

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women go to curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Don't you just love the Onion?

 

[DG Hear]

Might have posted this before. Still a good one.
DG


Subject Drug Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."


It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

 

[MoeDick]

Political humor

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What do Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Barack Obama have in common?
A: They all made careers pretending to be black men.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

On Halloween you put on a false face and trick people.
This year Barack Obama is going as -- himself.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
.... America!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.

 

[DG Hear]

This one always makes me smile.
DG

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen..

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[Crudebug]

Contacts in EYE Places are not influential enough

This guy who was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket for that."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

 

[Crudebug]

Darling you're hired. Don't work too hard...

Gordon Brown was hiring Ministers.
"What is your name?" he asked the interested MP.
"Alistair" he replied.
Gordon Scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Brown. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Alistair Darling."
"Okay, Al, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

 

[Crudebug]

Murphy's Household Laws

A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

A newly washed window gathers dirt at twice the speed of an unwashed one.

The availability of a ball-point pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote-controls divided by the number of viewers.

The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outside temperature.

The capacity of any water-heater is equal to one and a half sibling showers.

What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used cereal.

 

[Crudebug]

These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be

The Law of Volunteering:
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell:
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense:
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality:
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice:
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation:
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway's Law:
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There is always one more bug.

Law of Drunkenness:
You can't fall off the floor.

Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.

Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

 

[DG Hear]

A Good Idea for Health Care Reform

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

[DG Hear]

Husband and Wife Dreams

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

 

[DG Hear]

A FEW GOOD LAUGHS!!!!


SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'

'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.'

'Social Security sex?'

'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, 'I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.'
'My dear, the shrink said, 'that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is.'
'The problem is,' she complained, 'it wakes me up!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, 'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'

She glanced at him casually and replied, 'You're not home!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for 'medium, $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man
called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex ... He could fly.'

 

[Zeb_Carter]

An amazing elephant story

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[Crudebug]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"

 

[Crudebug]

A young, attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?" "1956," was his reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!"
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, ..."It's only 2014 now."

 

[Crudebug]

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."

 

[Crudebug]

Military Acronyms

NAVY
Never Again Volunteer Yourself

MARINE
Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential

ARMY
Aren't Ready-to-be Marines Yet

US ARMY
(In reverse) Yes, My Retarded Ass Signed Up

 

[Boxlicker101]

Never Mind

 

[TE999]

How to start each day with a positive outlook

1. Open a new file on your computer

2. Name the file 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send the file to the Recycle bin.

4. Empty the Recycle bin.

5. A prompt will appear saying 'Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama'?

6. Firmly click 'Yes"

7. Feel better?

Good!

Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.