Humor Thread

[Crudebug]

Quotes /One-liners on Masturbation

Oh, yes, I’ve tried my hand at sex.

Ninety percent of men masturbate and the other ten percent have no arms.
Sixty percent of women masturbate and the other forty percent expect you to believe it takes them that long to take a bath.

I’ll come to your room at eight o’ clock. If I’m late start without me.

The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress up for it.

Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.

There is no word in the Irish language for you were doing.
In Lapland they have no word for snow

If God has meant us not to masturbate, he would have made our arms shorter.

Masturbation: the amazing availability of it.

Stop that, You’ll go blind.
I’m over here, Dad!

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

How does a lazy Californian guy masturbate?
Digs a hole, puts a penis into it and waits for the next tremor.

Pass me my teeth and I’ll bite you.

Your place, or back to the school sheltered accommodation?

I had a wank in the car the other day. I won’t be doing that again. The cab driver was furious.

 

[curl4ever]

Re: One-liners about sex

...
My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
...
A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex
84% of them said right after their husband is finished.
...

Wonderful set of one-liners! Thanks very much, Crudebug!

 

[trysail]

Bumper sticker of the day:

Honk if I'm paying your mortgage.​

 

[curl4ever]

Bumper sticker of the day:

Honk if I'm paying your mortgage.

EXCELLENT! Thanks, trysail!

 

[Crudebug]

Wonderful set of one-liners! Thanks very much, Crudebug!

yw curl.. had just bought a book during my travels which is a collection of oneliners and quotes and makes funny readings during flights and in airport lounges.. lol books like these are easy to read as there is no story line to continue on... and can be paused and resumed without the tension of interrupting a story mid suspense when boarding is called..
Of course, many of these have been around but nice to have it in a compilation and if you enjoyed it, it was worth typing... lol... cheers -

 

[curl4ever]

yw curl.. had just bought a book during my travels which is a collection of oneliners and quotes and makes funny readings during flights and in airport lounges.. lol books like these are easy to read as there is no story line to continue on... and can be paused and resumed without the tension of interrupting a story mid suspense when boarding is called..
Of course, many of these have been around but nice to have it in a compilation and if you enjoyed it, it was worth typing... lol... cheers -

That was a lot of typing you did on our behalf. Thanks again!

 

[Crudebug]

That was a lot of typing you did on our behalf. Thanks again!

heck.. was fun to go thru them and a labour of laffs...

Just watching Wynonna quote this on Larry King even as I write this post...
so even though it is not a joke... I think it is great quote and would like to share it

Religion is for people who are afraid of hell.
Spirituality is for people who have been there and back.

 

[Crudebug]

And another one...
WORRY IS THE THIEF OF JOY...
How true!!!

 

[curl4ever]

heck.. was fun to go thru them and a labour of laffs...

Just watching Wynonna quote this on Larry King even as I write this post...
so even though it is not a joke... I think it is great quote and would like to share it

Religion is for people who are afraid of hell.
Spirituality is for people who have been there and back.

Love it! I'm going to quote this over on the "Christian writers and readers meet here" thread. Thanks, Crudebug!

 

[Crudebug]

Love it! I'm going to quote this over on the "Christian writers and readers meet here" thread. Thanks, Crudebug!

cool.. yw.. glad you found use for it to be shared so quick... be my guest...

 

[DesertPirate]

Bump!

 

[Crudebug]

Motoring News

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE​

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . *The Clitaurus.*
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.

 

[DesertPirate]

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE​

Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . *The Clitaurus.*
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.

ROFLMAO

 

[glynndah]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord:
I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through.
So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.
Amen!'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then, it was already 1P.M.
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum ,Dust,
And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.!
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper,
He cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Folded laundry,
Bathed the kids,
And put them to bed.
At 9 P.M .
He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -
'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.
I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.
Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though.
You got pregnant last night.'

 

[Zeb_Carter]

A Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[curl4ever]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

...

<groan> but very very funny! Thanks, Zeb!

 

[john-the-author]

Spiders on drugs, spiders on drugs

We've all heard about spiders being dosed with this and that to get them high and then watching them to see what they do with their webs. This video shows the effects of various drugs on spiders and it is screamingly funny. It's only 2 minutes, so watch the whole thing. I promise you'll enjoy it!

John

 

[DG Hear]

Retrolife

A true walk down memory lane for those born in the the 40's or before. Maybe even in the 50's. Hope it brings a smile on your face.

Click here: http://www.billsretroworld.com/RETROLIFE.HTM

DG

 

[oggbashan]

A true walk down memory lane for those born in the the 40's or before. Maybe even in the 50's. Hope it brings a smile on your face.


DG

I still have my Viewmaster and about 1,500 reels.

Og

 

[DG Hear]

I still have my Viewmaster and about 1,500 reels.

Og

I remember most everything on the film. Brings back memories. Thanks Og.

 

[DG Hear]

Just a joke!

Receive this from a good friend.
DG

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel music
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Can I get an AMEN!!

 

[DG Hear]

Punny

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
Stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal ? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is SO BAD, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

 

[DG Hear]

May I go pee?

HOW TO PEE POLITELY

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach
Good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?'

Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
At the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
Once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
To shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
To meet after dinner.'

THE TEACHER FAINTED..... .......

 

[DG Hear]

Posted before but still funny
DG

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'


The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

[DG Hear]

The teacher asks the first grade students what kind of medicines they know
and what they are used for.

The first pupil: "Tylenol?"
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?"
Pupil: "It is used for headaches."

Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher."
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?"
Pupil: “To help you sleep."

Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: "Viagra."
Teacher: “Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"
Johnny: "It can be used for diarrhea."

Teacher: "Who told you this?"
Johnny: "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father ...
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.