Humor Thread

[DesertPirate]

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it. It could contain a virus.

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

-------------------

There seems to be a trend of picking on Nancy Pelosi. Instead of "rising above it", I say "What the hey! Why not?

 

[Handley_Page]

A witness to an car accident was testifying.

Lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"

Witness: "Yes, sir."

Lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"

Witness: "Seven metres, three hundred and eighty millimeters."

Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury
how you knew it was exactly that distance?"

Witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured
it. I knew some annoying arsehole lawyer would ask me that question."

 

[Handley_Page]

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five
thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh, I'm sorry," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

 

[Handley_Page]

Real Warnings ...

On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror
are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do not attempt
to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering
wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."

In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."

On a packet of juggling balls: "This product contains small granules under
3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in
Europe or 8 years in the USA."

On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."

On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in
both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."

On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts: "Contains nuts."

Seen on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."

On a Rowenta iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero
temperatures."

On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray
is harmful to bees."

A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges,
and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."

On a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the
ability to fly."

 

[Crudebug]

Two men are trying to fit what the acronym WIFE could stand for.
First Husband: WIFE? It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Second Husband: It think it stands for Worries Invited For Ever
First Husband: How about: Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc..

Just then wives enter and pipe in: With Idiot For Ever

 

[Crudebug]

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, Sso I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday.

 

[Crudebug]

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

 

[Crudebug]

Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are.
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

***************

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband: You know, I was a fool when I married you.
The husband replied, Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice

 

[Crudebug]

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.
Wife: Why Three?
Husband: For you and your parents

****************
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest?
Husband: A lovely Push...!!!

 

[Crudebug]

Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

Sex between a man and woman is wonderful. Provided you get between the right man and woman.

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural and wholesome thing that money can buy.

Sex without love is an empty experience, But as empty experiences go, it is one of the best.

Had God consulted me in the matter, I would have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

The pleasure I momentary, the position is ridiculous and the expense damnable.

Sex is like money. Only too much is enough.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

Until fifteen, I was more familiar with Africa than with my own body.

I don’t know if my first experience was heterosexual or homosexual because I was too polite to ask.

I remember the first time I had sex, because I kept the receipt.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

As a child of eight he once kissed a girl under a mistletoe and then his sex life came to a abrupt halt.

I’m a great lover – I’ll bet.

Don’t have sex. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.

He made love faster than the time it takes to get a vaccination.

Remember, if you smoke after sex, you are doing it too fast.

Men are like firemen. To them, sex is an emergency and no matter what they are doing, they can be ready in two minutes.
Women are like fire. They are very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

If you run out of KY jelly, a fine emergency substitute is something called foreplay.

It wasn’t that he was bad in bed. He knew where all the parts were. Unfortunately, most of them were his own.

In the middle of sex, a waitress I dated would say: `How is everything? Is everything okay over here?’

I made love to a female clown. She twisted my penis into a poodle.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX

Of course size matters. Whoever says it doesn’t matter is just a liar with a small dick.

He could have sex with a Cheerio without breaking it.

Conventional sexual intercourse is like squirting jam into a doughnut.

I had phone sex and got an ear infection.

I had phone sex once. Got my penis stuck in the nine.

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4 am.

The three words you don’t want to hear during sex is: `Honey, I’m home.’

My girlfriend said to me in bed the other night, `You’re a pervert’. I said to her, `That’s a big word for a girl of nine.’

Back to my place?
Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Wanna fuck?
She: Looks like you talked me into it, you sweet talking bastard.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

An Australian guy’s idea of foreplay is: `Are you awake?’

If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, get a dog.

Two’s company. Three fifty bucks.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are not important.

One night I made love from one o’clock to five past two, It was when they put the clocks forward.

The shrink told me and my wife that we should have sex every night. Now we never see each other.

I did not suspect it was an orgy until three days later.

All human beings connect sex and love… except for men.

Why does Mike Tyson’s eye water when he has sex?
Mace

Have you ever paid for sex?
Only emotionally.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX

Love is the answer you’ve been waiting for. Sex raises some pretty interesting questions.

Do you know the look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

I’m not against half naked girls. Not as often as I’d like to be.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges too much.

But isn’t sex better when you’re with the person you love?
Maybe. In a poem.

People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like the things that stop you seeing the television properly.

I practice safe sex. I use an airbag.
It is a little startling at first when it flies out. Then she realizes it’s safer than being thrown clear.

The only way to have really safe sex is to abstain. …. From drinking.

Sting always boasts about his 8 hours a night sex sessions with his wife. Imagine how long he’d last if she was a looker.

I think I mentioned to Bob Geldof that I made love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging, then dinner and a movie.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

I think God was raised Catholic. So sex will always be dirty.

She tore off her clothes like a nun forsaking her vows.

They made love as though they were an endangered species.

The only difference between sex and death is, with death you do it alone and nobody’s gonna make fun of you.

What do I know about sex? I’m a married man.

My husband and I had our best sex during the divorce. It was like cheating on our lawyers.

I can count all the lovers I’ve ever had on one hand… if I am using a calculator.

When David Copperfield gets an erection, he passes a hoop over it to show there are no wires attached.

My wife’s favourite position is back to back.

I’ve tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic and the others give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex
84% of them said right after their husband is finished.

I like kinky sex with chocolate. I call it S&M&M.

When my wife has sex with me there is always a reason. Last night she used me to time an egg.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free, is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

My wife told me she wanted to have sex in the back seat of the car. She wanted me to drive.

Listen carefully, or a sexual perversion (5,2,4,4)
(crossword clue in the Financial Times. Answer: Prick Up Your Ears)

Let’s forget about the six feet and talk about the seven inches.

Any impotent men here tonight? Oh, I see you can’t get your hands up either.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380 SL.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. So I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

It’s been so long since I make love, I can’t remember who gets tied up.

My sex life is so bad, I’m taking part in the world celibacy championships. I meet the Pope in the semi-finals.

When men talks dirty to women it is sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s five dollars a minute.

I feel like a million tonight. But one at a time.

For a man, sex is like hunger. If he can’t go to a French restaurant, he’ll go to a hot-dog stand.

My mother is sixty and her whole life she only ever slept with one guy. She won’t tell me who.

They’re working on Viagra for women. Are they crazy? That’s been around for a while. It’s called CASH.

Sex is the most fun I’ve even had without laughing.

My girlfriend always laughs during sex. No matter what she’s reading.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

Orgies: Participate once, you’re a philosopher; twice; a pervert.

A woman reading Playboy is a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.

A man has missed something is he has never left a brothel at dawn feeling like throwing himself into the river out of sheer disgust with life.

We learned sexual technique from our dog.
He taught me how to beg and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

The difference between seduction and rape is salesmanship.

Women are like banks. Breaking and entering is a serious business.

Sex and golf are the only two things you can enjoy without being any good at them.

I have so much cybersex, my baby’s first words will probably be, `You’ve got mail’.

After we made love, I said to my girlfriend, `Was it good for you, too?’
And she said, `I don’t think that was good for anybody.’

The woman I broke up with is going around telling all her friends that I gave her an anticlimax.

I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married, or did she fake it that night?

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

He wanted to have his cake and eat me.

Some women take so long to come, you have to be willing to lay aside, say the month of June, with sandwiches having to be brought in.

A multiple orgasm is like a good music system – something you see in magazines and which other people have.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

Who is this Greek chap Clitoris they’re talking about?

I could never understand what he saw in her until I saw her at the Caprice eating corn-on-the-cob.

You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view!

Can you shave or something? Blowing you is like getting my teeth flossed.

Do you remember the minuet?
Dahling, I can’t even remember the men I slept with.

If we could perpetually do blowjobs to every guy on earth, we’d own the world and at the same time, have our hands free.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

My wife give good headache.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

Lulabella!! It’s you! I didn’t recognise you standing up.

Do you talk to your wife while having sex?
Sure, if I happen to be near the phone.

Sex with Nicholas Soames was like having a large wardrobe fall on top you with the key still in the lock.

I married a German. Every night I dress up like Poland and he invades me.

The mirror above my beds reads: Objects appear larger than they are.

A sexagenarian? At his age? That’s disgusting,

The only thing I miss about sex is the cigarette afterwards.

There goes the good time that was had by all.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

Is you vagina listed in the New York City guidebooks? Because it should be. Hottest spot in town. Always open.

`Easy’ is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

Nobody in their right mind would call me a nymphomaniac. I only sleep with good looking men.

A Jewish nymphomaniac is a woman who will make love with a man the same day she has her hair done.

You were born with your legs apart. They’ll send you to the grave in a Y shaped coffin.

Dear lord, give me chastity, but not yet.

If all the girls at the Yale Prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

I had ambitions to be a sex maniac, but I failed the practical.

You wanna hear my personal opinion on prostitution? If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t have to pay for it.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

When a guy goes to a hooker, he’s not paying her for sex, but he’s paying her to leave.

Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.

I blame my father for the birds and the bees. I was going steady with a woodpecker for two years.

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman goes on the bottom.
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Sex education will encourage kids to have sex? No way. I had four years of algebra and I never do math.

A woman’s most erogenous zone is her mind.

The thing a woman likes most in bed is breakfast.

My wife is a sex object, Every time I ask her for sex, she objects.

A woman for duty, a boy for pleasure, a goat for ecstasy (Greek proverb)

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

My classmates would make out with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I think sex is a beautiful thing between two people, Between five, it’s fantastic.

The trouble with group sex is that you never know where to put your elbows.

A threesome was never a fantasy of mine. Why wake up with two disappointed ladies in the morning?

My sex life is now reduced to fan letters from an elderly lesbian who wants to borrow $800.

Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

I am not kinky, but occasionally I like to put on a robe and stand in front of a tennis ball machine.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

When your model is nude, it is art. When she is naked, it is porn.

My boyfriend used to say, `I read Playboy for the articles.’ Right and I go to shopping malls for the music.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on SEX.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, then how come there are so many books on how to?

Is sex dirty? It is if you’re doing it right.

I’m going to write a manual called, Ouch You’re on my Hair

I’ve been on more laps than a napkin.

She likes to wake up every morning feeling a new man.

I am always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

For flavour, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.

Guess who Sue spent the night with?
Come on Mary, I’ve got to be home in an hour.

A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are.

I don’t think sex has much to do with morals. It’s more of a compulsion – like murder.

An erection is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card.

Sex is a powerful aphrodisiac.

It is conduct unbecoming to a lady or gentleman when being treated at a VD clinic to name as contacts those who spurned your advances.

 

[Crudebug]

More Quotes / One-liners on (aging) SEX.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.

If it weren’t for the speed bumps, pickpockets and frisking at airports, I’d have no sex life at all.

Nowadays I reserve my sexual activities for special occasions such as the installation of a new Pope.

I still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76, so it’s no distance.

Now that I am 78, I do tantric sex because it is very slow.
My favourite position is called The Plumber. You stay in all day, but nobody comes.

Your fly buttons are undone.
No matter, The dead bird does not leave the nest.

At my age, getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

Sex at 93 is like playing billiards with a rope.

On my 85th birthday I felt like a 20 year old, But there wasn’t one around.