Humor Thread

[JackLuis]

The Experiment...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in ten..."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Nine Months Later...

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes !," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Golfing with Stevie Wonder...

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

 

[Handley_Page]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night
Away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.

'COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN NOW, YAH HEAR ME!!!'

 

[Crudebug]

rrrrrrtflmao...

I'll just train COLDWATER to lick better and rename him HOTWATER...
That joke was way too funny... the ending caught me cold!!!!

 

[Crudebug]

Battle Of The Sexes - Quotes & Oneliners

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men just invade another country.

Women want to be loved, listened to, desired, respected, needed, trusted and sometimes just held.
Just give a man a ticket to the cup final.

Women look in the mirror and think they are worse than they were.
Men always think they look better than before and are three or four sit-ups away from getting into the tub with Elle McPherson.

I’m not a breast man. I’m a breast person,

Ask a woman how she feels and she’ll describe every relationship she has been in.
A man will tell you he feels like a pizza.

A man at a desk in a closed room is a man at work. A woman at a desk anywhere is available.

A man has to be Adolf Hitler to be ruthless. All a woman has to do is put you on hold.

Feminism is a great idea… until the car goes wrong.

The Women’s Movement would be a lot more successful if men were running it..

The main achievement of the Women’s Movement was the right to go dutch.
Women also now have the right to plant rolled up dollar bills in the jockstraps of steroid-sodden male strippers.

No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.

A feminist is someone who expresses sentiments which differentiate her from a doormat or prostitute.

I am all for women’s rights.. and their lefts too

Name one job a man can handle that a woman can’t.
Female Impersonator

When a woman says she wants to go out and get a job to express herself, it usually means she is hopelessly behind in the ironing.

They say a woman’s work is never done. All I am saying is, maybe if you organized yourselves a bit better..

She is not a feminist. She’s a killer bitch,

I am a male feminist. I never call a nasty sales clerk a bitch. I stick with gender neutral terms like `asshole’.

The best way to get a husband to do anything is to suggest that he is to old to do it.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with kids, be unmarried with kids,.. Men have the same choice we’ve always had: Work or prison.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men thought to be half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Twenty years ago, there were all sorts of words you couldn’t say in front of a girl. Nowadays, you can say all those words, but you mustn’t say `girl’.

If you think women are the weaker sex.. try pulling the blankets back to your side.

People say to me. ` You are not very feminine.’. Well, they can just suck my dick.

When a woman behaves like a man, why can’t she behave like a nice man.

Women who complain of sexual harassment are, more often then not, revoltingly ugly.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That’s not funny.

Men are superior to women, For one thing, they can urinate from a speeding car.

It is noticeable that in all the discussion about the femininity of God, the masculinity of the Devil goes unchallenged. That’s unfair and revealing.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth, Deal with it.

A man once boasted of the beauties of the penis, saying it can even write a sentence in the snow,
The woman said, she could at least provide a full stop. Period.

Women – we’re our own worst enemies most of the time. But it is fun to blame men.

I didn’t fight to get women out from behind the vacuum cleaner to get them on the board of Hoover.

I decided to get in touch with my feminine side, Now I find, I’ve got a yeast infection.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, That is his.

She told me that by the year 2100, women would rule the world.
Stunned, I could only blurt out: `Still?’

 

[DesertPirate]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in

town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign:


"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."


"I am entering!" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes

out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

" First Place !" said Snow White.


They continue walking and they see a sign:

"Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour, he returns

and they ask him, "How did you make out?"

" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"


They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?" Pinocchio enters.

After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Who the hell is this Nancy Pelosi?" asked Pinocchio.

 

[curl4ever]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night

...

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

...

Stunningly funny stories! Thanks, Zeb!

...
It is noticeable that in all the discussion about the femininity of God, the masculinity of the Devil goes unchallenged. That’s unfair and revealing.
...
She told me that by the year 2100, women would rule the world.
Stunned, I could only blurt out: `Still?’

Delightfully on-point quotes! Thanks, Crudebug!

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

...

Very very funny! Thanks, DesertPirate!

 

[doormouse]

No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.


OMG how true lol

 

[Crudebug]

Delightfully on-point quotes! Thanks, Crudebug!Very very funny!

lmao... would a heck of man with a death wish to tell these `goddesses' that they are she-devils... rotflmao.. but then of course.. we always liked a horny piece of fiery tail.... lmao
glad u liked them,,,

No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.

OMG how true lol

Ya know what... I'm going to stick up the pantry with disposable dishes.. lol
and conceal a termite hill with a trashcan.. lol.. no washing,, no garbage..
thanks DM

 

[doormouse]

May have already posted this, can't remember.

Stan had had a few too many drinks.
Standing, he fell flat on his face. After numerous attempts to stand, he manages to drag himself to the bar door.

After pulling himself up the doorframe, he falls onto the footpath outside.

Dragging himself along the ground home, he manages to get himself inside without waking his wife. Curling up on the lounge, he manages to fall asleep.

Next morning, he wakes to his wife shaking him.

"What?"he says, still half asleep.

"You went to the pub again last night, didn't you?"She demands.

"Yes, I had a couple."

"The barman called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

 

[Crudebug]

GENDER BENDER Quotes

Coo-eee Anyone Homo?

As a child my favourite nursery rhyme was: Rub-a-Dub-Dub, Three Men in a Tub.

You know you are gay if you bend over and see four balls

To find out is a salesman at Gap is gay, ask him to name the colours of stuff in the store.
If he says Chestnut, Sable, Taupe and Sandstone, he’s GAY!!!
If he says Brown, Brown, Brown and Brown, he’s Straight.

Well, that’s the pot calling the kettle beige.

I remember when Gay meant Happy and Outing meant a Family Picnic

I’ve been outed and I’m not even in.

You may not be one, but you certainly look like one, which is even worse.

There are easier things than being a drag queen, but I ain’t got no choice. Try as I may, I just can’t walk in flats.

Straight guys think the world’s problems would be solved by nuking the bastards.
Gay guys say the world would be a far better place if everyone was given a makeover.

I once had a large gay following. But I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I didn’t choose to be gay, I just got lucky.

You can count on a gay guy to light scented candles at every party.
Leave it to a straight guy to test the theory that you can light farts.

If homosexuality was normal, God would have created Adam and Bruce.

Homophobia is the fear that three fags will break into your house,, and redecorate it against your will.

The heterosexuals who hate us, should just stop having us.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime punishable by seven years in prison locked up with other men.
There is a three year waiting list.

Looks like your new sweetie’s turned his back on homosexuals. And not in a good way.

Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians.

If it wasn’t for gay men, fat women would have no one to dance with,

Some men think they can convert gay women and turn them straight.
No way I could do that. But I could make a straight woman gay.

Are you a lesbian?
Are you my alternative?

I don’t think she’s a lesbian. She just ran out of men.

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me, she thinks: `That’s why I’m not a heterosexual’.

It is interesting that when you play a lesbian, people ask if you’re a lesbian/ But no one asks you if you are a serial killer if you play one.

I don’t mind gay people as long as they are Straight in public.

There is no such thing as bisexuality. Just Greediness.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night.

They say lesbians hate men. But why on earth would a lesbian hate men. They don’t have to fuck them.

I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body. A bit like Martina Navratilova.

Men love to watch two women make love.
Is it because it turns them on, or are they trying to figure out how to do it right?

If all gay people are going to hell, how will those in heaven get their hair done?

Gay people should be allowed to marry.
Just ‘coz somebody’s gay doesn’t mean they shouldn’t suffer like the rest of us.

I hate bisexual homosexuals. Or is it the other way around. I guess it works either way.

For a trisexual, I’ll try anything once.

Do men dress up like women when they find they can no longer parallel park?

The Bible is to Gays, what Mein Kampf is to Jews.

 

[Crudebug]

>>>May have already posted this, can't remember. <<<

too many drinks? you too !?!?!?! .. doncha worry mousie.. u'll recall it when the hangover wears off... lol lol

>>>>
Stan had had a few too many drinks. Standing, he fell flat on his face. After numerous attempts to stand, he manages to drag himself to the bar door.
>>>"You went to the pub again last night, didn't you?"She demands.
"Yes, I had a couple."
"The barman called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

well doll.. next time I go on a binge, u r my designated wheelchair driver.. lmao

 

[Crudebug]

ATTRACTION – Quotes and One-liners

If given a choice between money and sex appeal, choose money.
As you grow older, the money will become your sex appeal.

SEX APPEAL FINDS NO MERCY.

Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

I have so little sex appeal, my gynecologist calls me `Sir’.

I HAVE NO SEX APPEAL. I HAVE TO BLINDFOLD MY VIBRATORS.

Most women are attracted to the simple things in life. Like Men.

She wrote a book called: How to Attract Men.
The main advice was to lie naked and have a bar by the bed.

CHOOSING A WOMAN IS LIKE CHOOSING A CAR.
WE ALL WANT A FERRARI, TEST DRIVE A PICK-UP AND BUY A STATION-WAGON.

Men are attracted to women in leather.. because she smells like a new car.

She invented a new perfume to attract men and labeled it `New Car Interior’.

Scientists now believe the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.

He was formed from the ruins of our sex.

Her breasts filled out the front of her blouse like the humps of a Camel.
Not the kind you smoke, but the kind you ride.

The intelligence of a man is inversely proportional to the size of the breasts he is confronted with.

Working with Sophia Loren was like being bombed with watermelons.

Liz Taylor looked like two small boys fighting under a mink blanket.

I was so flat U used to put Xs on my chest and write, `you are here.’
I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

IT’S CALLED WONDERBRA BECAUSE WHEN YOU TAKE IT OFF, YOU WONDER WHERE HER BOOBS WENT.

A survey showed that men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes.
Women said, the first thing they notice about me is they’re a bunch of liars.

When she raises her eyebrows, it’s as if she were taking off all her clothes.

Those aren’t come-to-bed eyes. Who needs a bed?

Men flocked around her like gulls round a council tip.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

A girl who is bespectacled may not get nectacled.

SEE THE MOTHERS IN THE PARK,
UGLY CREATURES CHIEFLY,
SOMEONE MUST HAVE LOVED THEM ONCE –
IN THE DARK AND BRIEFLY.

I don’t have a type. It took me this long to narrow it down to a gender.

MEN ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME BY MY MIND.
THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO ME BY WHAT I DON’T MIND.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?

 

[curl4ever]

...
Men love to watch two women make love. Is it because it turns them on, or are they trying to figure out how to do it right?
...

<pauses to think> <pauses to think some more> ... BOTH!
Thanks, Crudebug!

 

[doormouse]

too many drinks? you too !?!?!?! .. doncha worry mousie.. u'll recall it when the hangover wears off... lol lol

pfft lol shit hon, don't do that to me ... almost spilled me drink

 

[DesertPirate]

Got this from DG

Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(The
kid gets an A+ for this answer!)



Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

[redpaint]

Skinny Dipping


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get o ut of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[doormouse]

Two vampire bats were hungry and went on their midnight vigual in search of prey.

After many hours on fruitless searching, one bat decided to return home, unsated and still hungry.

A few hours later, the other bat returned home with blood dripping down his chest and obviously the remains of a fresh feed still soaking his cheeks.

The other bat asked surprised, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

"Follow me, I'll show you,"was his reply.

They flew a short distance and came upon a cave.

"See that wall over there?" asked the blood soaked bat.

"Yes,"says the other bat.

"Well I didn't."

(told to me by my 9 year old daughter so don't blame me lol)

 

[doormouse]

A local radio station are holding a competition for an upcoming edition of the English dictionary.

Callers are asked to phone in, and spell their new word. If they can successfully prove it does not exist in any printed form and can put their word in a sentence, they win a car.

"Hello, you're on the air,"says the DJ. "Can you please spell your word so I can check if it exists in any dictionary."

"Garn,"says the caller. "G, A, R, N."

After vigourous searching of online and printed dictionaries, the DJ says, "Thank you. Your word is unique. If you can put your word into a sentence, the car is yours."

"Garn get yourself fucked!"

Alarmed, the DJ hurriedly hung up the phone.

A few minutes later, the DJ received a phone call.
"Hello, you're on the air,"he says. Can you please spell your word so I can check if it exists in any dictionary."

"Tsme", says the caller. "T,S,M,E."

Again the Dj checks his references.
"Thank you. Your word is unique. If you can put your word into a sentence, the car is yours."

"Tsme again. Garn get yourself fucked!"

 

[glynndah]

My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time.

Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $5,000 in it."

***

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand—to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."


***

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grandmother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, "I want my mommy!"

I quickly pulled off my mask and said, "I am your mommy."

Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, "Then I want my granny!"

***

My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter. "So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who's coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it's my uncle Brian."

***

After registering for his high school classes, my son burst into the house, filled with excitement. "Dad," he announced in one breath, "I got all the classes I wanted. But I have to have my school supplies by tomorrow. I need a protractor and a compass for geometry, a dictionary for English, a dissecting kit for biology—and a car for driver's ed."

***

The trials and tribulations of our sons, daughters, parents, and friends in the military.

During my Air Force basic training, I cracked the frames of my eyeglasses. After taping them, I applied for new frames. I didn't get them, so I applied again at each base to which I was sent. After four years, and just before my discharge, I received nine sets of frames—all marked "Rush."

***

Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi–annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

***

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air and the crew began trying to serve drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down so the beverages could be served and the other passengers could get some sleep. No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked: I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there."

***

While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd pay $17.95 for that hat."

***

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.

"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."

***

The colonel who served as inspector general in our command paid particular attention to how personnel wore their uniforms. On one occasion he spotted a junior airman with a violation. "Airman," he bellowed, "what do you do when a shirt pocket is unbuttoned?"

The startled airman replied, "Button it, sir!"

The colonel looked him in the eye and said, "Well?"

At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel's shirt pocket.

***

When a woman requested a whole roaster at the market where I work, the butcher didn't let on that the bird he presented her was the last one. "Do you have one that's a little larger?" she asked.

"Of course," said the butcher. He took the roaster behind the counter, away from view, and made a lot of noise rolling it around the ice as if he were searching for just the right chicken. He then showed the same bird to her.

"Better," she said. "Do you have one with a little more meat on it?"

He took the chicken, rolled it in the ice and offered it up a third time.

"Great," the woman said. "I'll take all three."

***

During a Sunday service, the pastor asked the congregation for their intentions. We heard the usual requests to pray for sick people and the acknowledgments for those who helped when a parishioner died. The somber mood was broken when the last intention was heard.

A woman stood up and said, "My granddaughter turned 16 this week and received her driver's license. Let us pray for us all."

***

My husband and I were on our way home when he was pulled over for speeding. As the patrolman returned his driver's license, my husband, hoping for leniency, sheepishly asked, "Officer, did you notice that yesterday was my birthday?"

"As a matter of fact, I did," the officer replied, "because that's when your license expired!"

***

Sharma, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we've both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a longtime church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y'all from?"

Taken by surprise, Sharma mumbled, "The back."

***

One night about 10 p.m., I answered the phone and heard, "Dad, we want to stay out late. Is that okay?"

"Sure," I answered, "as long as you called."

When I hung up, my wife asked who was on the phone.

"One of the boys," I replied. "I gave them permission to stay out late."

"Not our boys," she said. "They're both downstairs in the basement."

***

To mail a big package of cookies to my two Air Force sons, both of whom were serving in Saudi Arabia, I was required to attach a label describing the contents. I carefully marked the box "Cookies" and sent it off, but after a month my sons said they had yet to receive my package.

Suspicious, I baked another batch, only this time I labeled the contents "Health Food." Within a week my sons reported they had received the goodies.

***

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."

"I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

***

I was working as a phone-order representative for a textbook publisher. One very busy day, many customers had been put on hold. When I took my next call, I heard a soft yet annoyed voice on the line muttering, "Darn, darn, damn, darn, darn it!"

I chuckled and said, "What may I help you with today?"

There was a brief silence, followed by, "I'm so sorry. I wish to place an order."

"Don't be sorry," I replied. "That's hardly the worst thing I've heard today. Now, first I need your name."

"Oh, dear," she said, "how embarrassing. My name is Sister Patience."

***

When I was an infantry platoon commander, my Marines trained regularly for nighttime reconnaissance patrol. As we moved along, each of us would whisper the name of any obstacle to the person behind so that no one would be surprised and utter a cry that would disclose our position.

During one exercise, the lead man in the formation occasionally turned around and whispered to me "Log" or "Rock," which I would pass along. Suddenly there was a crash ahead of me and, from several feet down, I heard a single whispered word—"Hole."

***

This couple was heading to the hospital with their 16-year-old daughter, who was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride they talked about the procedure.

"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?"

Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

***

It's every airplane passenger's nightmare — getting stuck near a crying baby. I was manning the ticket counter at a busy airport when the sound of a sobbing infant filled the air. As the next passenger stepped up to the desk, he glanced at the tot and rolled his eyes. "Don't worry," I said to him cheerily. "Chances are that baby won't be on your flight."

Head shaking, he grimly replied, "Oh, I bet he will. That's my son."

***

During the hectic time after our son was born, my husband and I went weeks without being romantic, and it was taking its toll. As he helped me fold the laundry one day, I pointed to a pile of socks. "Those haven't been mated," I said. "I know the feeling," my husband muttered under his breath.

***

Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, David, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path.

My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching. As we passed, I was mortified when David said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[Crudebug]

<pauses to think> <pauses to think some more> ... BOTH!
Thanks, Crudebug!

rotflmao... all of the above eh?!! I second that..

hmmm,,, now to reflect on your thinking process..
So which head was the first thought being mused on in the first pause..
And was it still the same head doing ithe thinking in the second and longer pause.... lmao...

Aren't we guys lucky...
When we are asked to spare a thot for someone.. we can always use the spare head... especially if it happens to be sparingly used.. lol

 

[Crudebug]

pfft lol shit hon, don't do that to me ... almost spilled me drink

LMAO darling ,,, as long as u gave your monitor a coke or coffee shower it is okay...
Need to be careful with surprising you.. If I make u laff a lil harder, u might squirt it with a golden shower... rotflmao...

 

[Crudebug]

Well my lil mousie... is it too late...? Are you reading this post thru the clear patches as u wipe your screen?,,, muaaaaah

 

[Crudebug]

<<<<<
"See that wall over there?" asked the blood soaked bat.
"Yes,"says the other bat.
"Well I didn't."
<<<

lmao... Used to hear the term. `Blind as a bat'
With its fucked up sonar.. we'll now have to say `deaf a s bloody bat' too