Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Got this from a woman of course.
DG

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

--COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

--BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

--ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

--NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

--FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

--FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

--LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.

 

[Crudebug]

An older joke with a new twist whipping up a twister

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?". St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible." said the man "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Clinton’s Clock?" "God is using that as a ceiling fan in his office"
"What about the clocks for the Members of British Parliament?" asked the man.
St Peter replied, "Oh, we're using them like a wind farm to generate all the electricity up here."

 

[Handley_Page]

New Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor


In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone,
but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change,holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

 

[curl4ever]

Very nice ways to start my Sunday:

Got this from a woman of course.
DG

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

...

Very cute! Thanks, DG!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?". St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh", said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
...

Nice one! Thanks, Crudebug!

New Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream Flavor


In honor of the 44th President of the United States ,

Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

...

<chortle> Thanks, Handley!

 

[DG Hear]

The single mans holiday.

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

 

[DG Hear]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

 

[curl4ever]

The single mans holiday.

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

A: Palm Sunday.

<groan> Good one, though! Thanks, DG!

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Very funny! Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

I'll be leaving the A/H for awhile. I made the mistake of voicing my opinions on other threads. I come to the A/H to enjoy it with friends and try to bring a few laughs. Instead I'm being called names by people I've never met because I disagree with them.

I hope some of you keep the thread going. Hell, maybe the negative people will find a soapbox somewhere else. It's been fun while it lasted.
With respect
DG Hear

No need to reply to this post, I won't be back to read it.

 

[neighbourly]

I'll be leaving the A/H for awhile. I made the mistake of voicing my opinions on other threads. I come to the A/H to enjoy it with friends and try to bring a few laughs. Instead I'm being called names by people I've never met because I disagree with them.

I hope some of you keep the thread going. Hell, maybe the negative people will find a soapbox somewhere else. It's been fun while it lasted.
With respect
DG Hear

No need to reply to this post, I won't be back to read it.

Dont stay away too long, wont be the same with out you, dont let the Basterds run you down

 

[Handley_Page]

Thought For The Day ...

Have you ever wondered if the one hundred dollar bills in your wallet or purse were ever in a stripper‘s butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day ..

 

[Handley_Page]

Dont stay away too long, wont be the same with out you, dont let the Basterds run you down

Here Here

 

[Handley_Page]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still
there.

 

[Handley_Page]

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then
he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind
some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman
answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

 

[curl4ever]

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still
there.

Very very nice!! Thanks, Handley.

 

[Handley_Page]

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.

Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Municipal 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Police 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had
hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are
doing to us.

 

[Handley_Page]

Tracy, the newlywed wife said to her husband, Bill, when he returned from
work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in
this house instead of two."

Bill started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said, "Oh darling,
I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then Tracy said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."

 

[Crudebug]

Wife: Darling, can my mother come down for the weekend?
Husband: Why?
Wife: It’s been two weeks since you locked her up in the attic.


ok, DG, time to git yer ass down here...
or are you the father-in-law who has been locked upstairs by his daughter-in-law to avenge the mother in the attic?

 

[Crudebug]

Screaming wife overheard by neighbours: You rascal, you'll drive me to the grave.
(Within two minutes, they heard her husband bring his car to the porch and rev the engine impatiently... )

 

[Crudebug]

Wife to Bridge partner:
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.

 

[Firebrain]

somebody I know's facebook quote today:

"The only bad thing about being an athiest is that you have nobody to talk to when you're having an orgasm."

 

[DesertPirate]

I'll be leaving the A/H for awhile. I made the mistake of voicing my opinions on other threads. I come to the A/H to enjoy it with friends and try to bring a few laughs. Instead I'm being called names by people I've never met because I disagree with them.

I hope some of you keep the thread going. Hell, maybe the negative people will find a soapbox somewhere else. It's been fun while it lasted.
With respect
DG Hear

No need to reply to this post, I won't be back to read it.

Well that just sucks!

 

[DesertPirate]

A TRIP TO COSTcO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so

hard.

Cos tco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[Handley_Page]

A couple leaving a Paris hotel were given a bill for 400 Euros.
The man potested to the manager who reminded him that he had a room plus bath.

"But I didn't take a bath," said the man.

"I can't help that, it was there for you," replied the manager.

The unhappy man wrote something on a paper and presented the manager with a bill for 100 Euros.

"What's that for?" cried the manager.

"For kissing my wife."

"But I never touched your wife," objected the manager, angrily.

"Can't help it," said the other, "she was there for you."

After a week in a Marseille hotel, he was handed a huge bill.

Remembering Paris, our hero called for the manager and said: "M'sieur, you owe me 300 Euros."

"For what?" asked the manager.

"For making love to my charming wife, Ethel, that's what."

The manager suddenly became red-faced and nervous as he replied in a low voice: "Sir, not so loud, please.
If you will come into my office, I will write you a check right away."

 

[curl4ever]

A couple leaving a Paris hotel were given a bill for 400 Euros.
The man potested to the manager who reminded him that he had a room plus bath.

...

Outstanding! Thanks, Handley!

 

[Handley_Page]

One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out
all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over,
the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 note to
his test with a note saying "A buck per percentage point." The next class
the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got back his test and $64 change.