Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

A young boy of four was going into hospital to have his tonsils removed. He
told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have surgery. On the
day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please circumcise him
while he is asleep.

The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several
days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate informed
him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out soon. He asked
him to tell him about the surgery.

The little boy replied 'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you
think they are.'

 

[Handley_Page]

Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become
disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his
level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're
doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance
window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 80, maybe 85."

 

[Handley_Page]

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office.

This is how their conversation went:

"Sister, I want to show you something."

"What is it, Father?

"Come into my private room & close the blinds."

"WHAT?!"

"I said....."

"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"

"Well, I really need you to come in."

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

"Here, sit on the bed beside me."

"I have to get out of here."

"Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

"Get under the covers."

"WHAT?????!!!!!"

The nun was really freaking out.

"It doesn't work otherwise!"

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: "Come closer."

Nervously, she does get closer.

"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!"

 

[Handley_Page]

I believe that earlier this year the US Postal Service also issued a set of
stamps featuring American racehorses.

This must be one of the great ironies of the horse racing industry. If a
horse wins its races it gets put on the front of a postage stamp. If it
loses it gets put on the back!

 

[Handley_Page]

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.Nick the Dragon
Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.He knew that the penalty for
his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio
informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four
hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the
saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put
into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on
the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was
eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of
1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared
less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and
with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

 

[Handley_Page]

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag;
- it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with
both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about
it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked
him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about
how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

 

[DG Hear]

QUESTIONS THAT make people think.

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it
considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a
'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

[DG Hear]

Noah in 2009

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it

 

[DG Hear]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

[Handley_Page]

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current
affairs.

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".

Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at
the same time."

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him ?"
One Student: “Because George still had the axe in his hand."

 

[Handley_Page]

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It Is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals.
To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...
====

 

[Handley_Page]

Garden Grass Snakes, also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis, can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. Breath here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes..

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

[DesertPirate]

The Arrival,
The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by

a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

 

[DG Hear]

You have to be a certain age to appreciate this. I can hear my mother now....

THE BASIC RULES FOR CLOTHESLINES: (if you don't know what clotheslines are, better skip this)
1. You had to wash the clothes line before hanging any clothes- walk the entire lengths of each line with a damp cloth around the lines.

2. You had to hang the clothes in a certain order, and always hang "whites" with "whites," and hang them first.

3. You never hung a shirt by the shoulders - always by the tail! What would the neighbors think?

4. Wash day on a Monday! . . . Never hang clothes on the weekend, or Sunday, for Heaven's sake!

5. Hang the sheets and towels on the outside lines so you could hide your "unmentionables" in the middle (perverts & busybodies, y'know!)

6. It didn't matter if it was sub zero weather . . . Clothes would "freeze-dry."

7. Always gather the clothes pins when taking down dry clothes! Pins left on the lines were "tacky!"

8. If you were efficient, you would line the clothes up so that each item did not need two clothes pins, but shared one of the clothes pins with the next washed item.

9. Clothes off of the line before dinner time, neatly folded in the clothes basket, and ready to be ironed.

10. IRONED?! Well, that's a whole other subject!

 

[DG Hear]

A Poem

I didn't write it but it's cute... glad to share
DG

A clothesline was a news forecast

To neighbors passing by.

There were no secrets you could keep

When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link

For neighbors always knew

If company had stopped on by

To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the "fancy sheets"

And towels upon the line;

You'd see the "company table cloths"

With intricate designs.

The line announced a baby's birth

From folks who lived inside -

As brand new infant clothes were hung,

So carefully with pride!

The ages of the children could

So readily be known

By watching how the sizes changed,

You'd know how much they'd grown!

It also told when illness struck,

As extra sheets were hung;

Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,

Haphazardly were strung.

It also said, "Gone on vacation now"

When lines hung limp and bare.

It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged

With not an inch to spare!

New folks in town were scorned upon

If wash was dingy and gray,

As neighbors carefully raised their brows,

And looked the other way . . .

But clotheslines now are of the past,

For dryers make work much less.

Now what goes on inside a home

Is anybody's guess!

I really miss that way of life

It was a friendly sign

When neighbors knew each other best

By what hung on the line!

 

[DG Hear]

The 8th Of July ? ?

What is so different about the 8th of July this year?

At five minutes and six seconds after 4 AM on the 8th of July this year, the time and date will be
04:05:06 07/08/09.
This will never happen again.

 

[Weird Harold]

04:05:06 07/08/09.
This will never happen again.

At least not until Aug 7th in Europe where the day and month are reversed or until next century in July 2109.

 

[DG Hear]

Quotes

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- - Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

-- Groucho Marx

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

-- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you

-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

Give me a sense
of humor, Lord;

Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,

Then pass it on
to other folk.

 

[DG Hear]

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES
Needless to say a woman sent me this.
DG

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother"! is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

! When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..

-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

 

[DG Hear]

At least not until Aug 7th in Europe where the day and month are reversed or until next century in July 2109.

yes I did receive this from a friend:

DG, in the USA maybe.

In the UK it will fall just under a month later!

Over here the standard format is Hour:Minute:Second Day-Month-Year! ;-)

 

[curl4ever]

Just got back from traveling and found lots of funnies...

Hollywood Squares:
...

Had me laughing out loud!

QUESTIONS THAT make people think.
...
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
...
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
...

More laughing.

Noah in 2009

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans'
...

Sad but true.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
...

Outrageously funny!

GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES...
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
...

Amen to that! Thanks, DG!!!

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag;
- it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with
both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
...

Very very funny! Thanks, Handley!

 

[Handley_Page]

Ways To Get Rid Of Stress

• Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get
and have them bill you later.

• Use your Master Card to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

• Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

• When someone says "have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

• Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

• Do your assignments in binary code.

• Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.

• Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals.

• Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

• Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the
wrapper.

• Write a short story using alphabet soup.

• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

• Pay your electric bill in pennies.

• Start a rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

 

[Handley_Page]

Ways to Spend the $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

10. A Twinkie for everyone in the country.

9. Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

8. Get yourself one a' them "Pentagon quality" toilet bowls.

7. Buy the biggest trailer in West Virginia, and then put a new BMW on blocks in the front yard.

6. Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you're still not rich.

5. At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

4. Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

3. Goodbye aluminium siding: Hello golden siding.

2. Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

1. Donate it to a college. Then they can name a building after you: "Lucky Bastard Hall"

 

[DG Hear]

Ways to Spend the $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

I have to figure a way to spend the $250 dollars. O'bama is sending me out of the stemulus package when I get it.
Can't worry about 250 million.

 

[DG Hear]

I remember this one from many years ago.
DG

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE
AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE
ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF
FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES!
AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' HIS WIFE ASKED.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN.’