Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

I'm leaving you

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when Daddy was away last summer."

 

[Handley_Page]

The UK has some strange institutions. One such is the 'Child Support Agency' who's primary task was/is to extract from an errant Father a contribution towards the maintenance of the child.

Subject: Child Support Agency forms

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11. It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about cooking eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

 

[curl4ever]

Subject: Child Support Agency forms
...

Very nice! Thanks for posting!

 

[DG Hear]

Made in China

A little Red Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Ted or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture --not like the white men, who repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive. For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake."

"Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people."

"It's very simple and easy to understand. So...do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

 

[DG Hear]

Colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed That there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,A rubber glove And a beer .

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Yis for
And I know what thegloveis for,
But can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .
Darn it Evelyn !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT

 

[Handley_Page]

Go figure ...

90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.

A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

 

[DG Hear]

Eyewitness

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:
The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the car theft, sir?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes"
The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"
The Eyewitness: "A car"
The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes"
The Prosecutor: "Could you identify
them?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes"
The Prosecutor, in a bold voice: "ARE THE TWO MEN WHO STOLE THE CAR IN THIS COURTROOM???"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands..

 

[Handley_Page]

Prosecution: "What gear were you in when the incident occurred?"
Witness: "Reebok trainers and an Adidas tracksuit"

 

[DG Hear]

Garage door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.

His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?'

The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.

He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

 

[DG Hear]

Subject: BBQ Rules...

Had this before but it's worth repeating. There's way too much truth to this!!

New Standard Operating Procedures released today --
Please learn.

BBQ RULES ...We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all:

(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

[DG Hear]

Crime rate

Boy the crime rate sure has gotten bad in my area.

How bad is it?

We can't tell the time,
Our Neighbourhood Watch has been stolen.

 

[DG Hear]

Up or Down

UP OR DOWN

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.’

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown"

 

[DG Hear]

Happy Mothers Day

I didn't write it but I did like it
DG To all the Mom's out there.

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.



Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom .

 

[Handley_Page]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum ...

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy.. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

 

[DG Hear]

Handley_Page, Thank you so much for posting on the humor thread. It's a pleasure to welcome you aboard. I just read your 60+ humor and most of it is so true.
Thanks again
DG

 

[DG Hear]

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD



......
............




well shit, now I forgot what it was

 

[DG Hear]

How To Avoid The Flu

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS!!

SO…
I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies).
Drink outdoors on the bar patio (fresh air),
Tell jokes, laugh (eliminate stress),
Then pass out (rest),
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

 

[DG Hear]

wife in coma

When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to report to the hospital immediately.

Upon his arrival the doctor explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her because it might lead to improvement in her condition.

After about 15 minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was dead!

"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.

"I think she choked to death," said the husband

 

[DG Hear]

New coat of arms

Official Announcement:

The federal government today announced that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance..

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,
and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

 

[curl4ever]

Official Announcement:

The federal government today announced that it is changing the coat of arms to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance..

...

Thanks, DG!

 

[DG Hear]

Interesting sentence writing.

Needless to say, I didn't write it.
DG

Read the sentence below carefully.

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunication's incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the first word is one letter long, second letter two, third one three letters long ............ 8th word is 8 letters long and so on ...20th word is 20 letters long!

 

[curl4ever]

Needless to say, I didn't write it.
DG

Read the sentence below carefully.

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunication's incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the first word is one letter long, second letter two, third one three letters long ............ 8th word is 8 letters long and so on ...20th word is 20 letters long!

Very clever! Thanks, DG.

 

[DG Hear]

A Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's out there.
DG Hear

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v32/dangersuntold/mdwelc.gif​

 

[DG Hear]

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO…PRICELESS

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, 'This is for washing our hair.'

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, ‘the curlers are on me.'

 

[Handley_Page]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous.....

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'