Humor Thread

[redpaint]

A vampire bat came flapping into the cave covered in fresh blood. He found his sleeping spot on the cave's roof and settled in for a nap. Soon all the other bats smelled the fresh blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to keep it quiet so he could get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me." He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down. All of the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?"

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well, I didn't!"

 

[redpaint]

Is the wife in control?
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

 

[TE999]

A rancher in Texas is approached one morning by a man who introduces himself as an inspector for the Water Allocation Commission.

"I need to inspect your property to determine if you're using water effectively."

"Go ahead, but don't go in that pasture over there."

"I'll go where I please. You see this badge. It entitles me to go whereever I choose. You got that?"

"Suit yourself."

The rancher goes back to his chores, then a short while later he hears terrified screams from the pasture. He runs to the fence and sees the inspector barely keeping ahead of an angry bull as they race towards the fence. The rancher climbs up on the fence rail and shouts, "Show him your badge, mister, show him your badge."

 

[DG Hear]

Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and
the door was answered by a young woman
with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his
questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
Ponds?

When she said no, he mentioned that
among their many products was Vaseline and
she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was,
"Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always
ask that question because everyone uses our
product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some
other purpose; but I know that most people really
use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like
to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

 

[DesertPirate]

New Rules of Golf in January 2009

No matter your political affiliation, you knew this was coming:

In addition to Obama's new tax plan, he also has announced a plan for certain changes in the Rules of Golf. Some of the highlights follow:


Golfers with handicaps:

* - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%
* - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees
* - above 18 will play for free with free drinks and food after each round.

The dollar amount put in for bets will be as follows:

* -for handicaps below 10 an additional $10
* -between 11 and 18 no additional amount
* -above 18, as a group you will receive half the total amount in the pot regardless of your scores.


The term "gimmes" will be changed to "entitlements" and will be used as follows:

* -handicaps below 10, no entitlements
* -handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for all " in the leather" putts
* -handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to putt, just pick it up

In addition:

* A Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and six pars. Any excess in either must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par.
* The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term "Net Score" will apply exclusively to those players with handicaps 18 and above.
* "Gross Score" will apply to all other players with handicaps under 18.
* This "Changes in Golf Rules Plan" is intended to "redistribute" the opportunity for winning to all players, regardless of individual ability.

These Golf Rule Changes are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same. Golf rules should emphasize Fairness and should have nothing to do with individual Ability

 

[DG Hear]

We get plenty of reads but very few posters. Please let us know what you like or at least bump us to page one.
Thank you
DG Hear

 

[DG Hear]

Just a dumb joke

Growing Penis

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking.

So he and his wife went to see a prominent Urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously. “Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.

“Well,” said the wife coldly, “you’re gonna lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

 

[DG Hear]

The Caddy

A man and his wife were driving through country
on his way from New York to California.

Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the
next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes
later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the
high octane pump.

"What can I do for ya'll?" asks the attendant. "Fill
'er up with high test," replies the driver. While the
attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car
up and down.

"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one
like it before."

"Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with
pride, "This, my boy is a 2009 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.

"Well," says the driver, "It has everything. It's
loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun
roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD/DVD
player with 400 watts per channel, 16 speaker stereo,
rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, global
cell phone, leather interior, digital instrument package,
global GPS system, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12
engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "That's really something!"

"How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the
driver.

"That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20
and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out
a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few
golf tees.

"What are those little wooden things?" asks the
attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the
driver.

"Wow," says the attendant, "Those Cadillac people
think of everything!"

 

[Tarakin]

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

 

[DG Hear]

I have a Question!

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/question.gif

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....
Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/question.gif


Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/question.gif


If it's true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/question.gif


What hair color do they put on the
Driver's' licenses of bald men?


http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/question.gif


I thought about how mothers feed their babies
With tiny little spoons and forks,
So I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/question.gif

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words
'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?


Have a great day!


Lord, please keep Your arm around my shoulders and Your hand over my mouth! Amen !​

 

[DG Hear]

The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hand s! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: WOW! Look at you!
SAFEST: You sure look good in brown.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.


13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one :

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Forward this information to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh...
and men who need a warning.


Enjoy all the little things,
for one day you may look
back and realize they were
the big things.

 

[DG Hear]

A RETIREE'S THOUGHTS

My wife said, "Whatcha doing today?"
I said, "Nothing."
She said, "You did that yesterday."
I said, "I wasn't finished."

 

[TE999]

A man and his ever-nagging wife took a trip to Jerusalem. While they were sightseeing one afternoon, the wife fell over dead. The undertaker told the husband "I can ship her body back to the US for $5,000.00 or I can bury her here for $200.00."

"Ship her home."

"But sir, wouldn't you rather bury her here in the Holy Land and save all that money?"

"Look, a long time ago a man was buried here and three days later he arose from the dead. I'm not willing to take that chance."

 

[togitc]

Washer. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed -- $100.

Snow blower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

Free puppies. Part German Shepherd, part dog.

Cows, calves never bred. Also, one gay bull for sale.

Free puppies: part Cocker Spaniel, part sneaky neighbor's dog

Full-sized mattress. 20-year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out for a while. Better be reward.

Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once. Slightly stained.

Free Yorkshire Terrier. Eight years old. Unpleasant little dog.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.

 

[togitc]

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

 

[togitc]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

 

[togitc]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

 

[togitc]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

 

[DG Hear]

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

 

[DG Hear]

Zip up your fly sir

My father once told me of the time he was a little careless in a restaurant. It seems that between the appetizer and the entree he had occasion to go to the lavatory. Shortly after returning, the waiter brought his main course, and while serving managed to surreptitiously pass my father a note, the contents of which were as follows:

"Please, Sir, excuse this intrusion. I noticed that a few minutes ago you paid a visit to the lavatory. Unfortunately, in your haste to return to your food and your companions you failed to adjust your clothing properly. As a result, I couldn't help noticing that your penis is hanging out of your fly.

Bye now, I have gone to the other side of the restaurant, where I will pick up a stack of plates. In a moment I shall drop these plates, thus creating a distraction and allowing you to adjust yourself unobserved."

"PS: I love you."

 

[DG Hear]

Tornadoes and Women

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

 

[DG Hear]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

 

[DG Hear]

Old People Test

How many you can remember


1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer... 'I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind? ________________.

2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the
_____________ Show.

3. ''Get your kicks, __________________.''

4. ''The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ________________.''

5. ''In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.''

6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called _____________.

7. ''N_E_S_T_L_E_S... Nestle's makes the very best ___________."

8. Satchmo was Americaʼs 'Ambassador of Goodwill'. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named ________, and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and __________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, ''the day the music died.'' This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.


ANSWERS:




1. A silver bullet
2. The Ed Sullivan Show
3. On Route 66
4. To protect the innocent
5. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
6. The limbo
7. Chocolate
8. Louis Armstrong
9. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and ''Good Night and God Bless.''
11. Draft cards and bras (Not flags, as some have guessed.)
12. Beetle, Bug, VeeWee, Pregnant roller skate
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hula-Hoop

 

[DG Hear]

Happy SuperBowl Week!!

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

 

[DG Hear]

An Oldie but still funny

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.


The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'