Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Another good oldie

NOT-SO-DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE!

A husband wrote a letter for his wife:

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight."

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference:18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

 

[DesertPirate]

bureaucracy, n: A method for transforming energy into solid waste

cynic, n: experienced

 

[DG Hear]

YA GOTTA LOVE THIS ONE!!!

http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/cid_1_3193591333web84105_mail_mu-1.jpg

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought....... But you are wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought........ But you are wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... But I was wrong!"

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

Seniors - don't mess with them!

 

[DG Hear]

The Dentist

Jack, those were some great jokes; thanks for contributing to the thread. Please post often.


A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a
needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.

"No way, no needles, I can't stand needles"

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas but the man again objects.
"No gas, please the mask on my face is suffocating to me"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No" said the patient "I'm fine with pills"

The dentist then returns and says "Here's a Viagra tablet"

The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill"

"It doesn't" said the dentist "but it will give you something to hold on
to when I pull out your tooth"

 

[DG Hear]

Thoughts

Two men are both 35 years old and are on exactly opposite sides of the world. One is walking a tight-rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. Both are thinking EXACTLY the same thing.

What is their thought?




Highlight below to see the answer.

Don't look down - DON'T LOOK DOWN!

 

[DG Hear]

Interesting things when you have sons, like...

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2! .) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'u h oh', it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin , TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

[DG Hear]

A Sweet Newlywed Story

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious ... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

"LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FU*KING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHER-FU*KING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW AND YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, AS*HOLE?"

...And they lived happily ever after.

 

[Jack_Samuel]

Hahaha loved that last one DG.

Funniest thing i have read in ages. Probably because its true

 

[DG Hear]

9 Phrases women use

Click on the link below.

Subject: 9 Phrases women use


Click below
http://www.flixxy.com/9-phrases-women-use.htm

 

[DG Hear]

Ppay You Bills

One day Nick the Dragon Slayer revealed his secret desire to Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent
breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the
King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

The moral of the story - - Pay Your Bills

 

[DG Hear]

Just a dumb Joke. LOL

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00!

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex…”

 

[DG Hear]

Grandmas don't know everything...

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her:

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[DG Hear]

Thought of the day:

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied, because no man will ever have a chocolate penis, that ejaculates money."

 

[Jack_Samuel]

It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”

 

[DG Hear]

Poor Anna

She Wants to make a call but can't remember where she has kept her mobile.

Click below:

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//28027-pic0641.jpg

Maybe I kept it there?

Try again:

http://forum.nicestories.com/files//28028-pic0643.jpg

Oh well, maybe she'll find it later.

 

[DG Hear]

ICE CREAM VAN

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away,
a woman went to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Obviously surprised, the woman told her grandmother that two people having sex when they are nearly 100 years old would be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied the granny, “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday morning when the church bells ring. It was just the right rhythm ---- nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong,” she said and paused to wipe a tear and continued, “He’d still be alive today if that fucking ice cream van hadn’t come along.”

 

[DG Hear]

The Purina Diet

An Oldie but still funny.
DGH


I have a Golden retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

 

[DG Hear]

Getting Old

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

 

[DG Hear]

Show them to me

You have got to love Rodney.

Click on link below.

http://www.tagtele.com/swf/embed4.0...umbs/20071026052202446-1.jpg&ts=4981eea0&k=50

 

[DG Hear]

Do you give 100% ?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


And


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[DG Hear]

Poems

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong!
One who loves to listen all day long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, not be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And forever be my very best friend.


MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac,
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a fishing boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

[SweetWitch]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
“Hello?”
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause,
“But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.”
Brief Pause.
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy ‘That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’”
“Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it, Daddy.”
“And what happened, honey?”
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool?… Is this 555-5731?”
“No, I think you have the wrong number…”

 

[redpaint]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"