Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while
Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day
for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the
Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes
into a tree while driving home drunk,
he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are
brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a
deranged madman,
you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks
into the cockpit and
tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet
and the passengers
kill him instead,
the mother of the crazed deceased
blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to
understand the world
as it is anymore.

So, if I die while my
old wrinkled ass is parked
in front of this computer,
I want all of you to
blame Bill Gates.

 

[DG Hear]

Comments Made in the Year 1955!

Comments Made in the Year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $100, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WIT H T HE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work'

'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

 

[TE999]

A young man asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'Potentially' and 'Realistically'?

"I'll show you," the father replies. "Go ask your mother, your sister and your brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

The mother says "Sure, we could buy a big new house, buy a new car and take a cruise."

The sister says "OMG I love Brad Pitt, I'd do him for nothing, but I could buy a new wardrobe and a convertible."

The brother says "Hell yeah, I could buy a new tv, skateboard, surfboard, a Hummer, all that stuff."

The boy reports back to the father what they said and the father asks "What have you learned, son?"

The boy thinks for a minute and says "Potentially, we're gonna get three million dollars; Realistically we're living with two hookers and a homo."

 

[DG Hear]

Official Quotes

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes

 

[Emperor_Nero]

A career change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to
appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is
an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

"You put the e ngine back together again perfectly, which is also worth
50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire
career."

 

[Emperor_Nero]

The power of Scripture

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'I thought she said she had an ax and two 38s!'

 

[DG Hear]

E-mail virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot
take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were
born prior to 1960.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to
you. And that!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well
darn!

6. Causes you to hit 'SEND' before you've finished. Oh
no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.' and I
just hate that! ;

8. Causes you to hit 'SEND' when you should 'DELETE.' Oh
No!

IT IS CALLED THE 'C-NILE VIRUS.'
Hmmm....Have I already sent this to you?

 

[DG Hear]

MARRIED LIFE - IT MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. ʽI'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, '! Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar, you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE F..K UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN ASS MUG AND EAT YOUR FRIGGEN HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'
and they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

 

[DG Hear]

Office Memo

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Signed ...
Jim

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT, FOLLOWING THE INITIAL LETTER:

John,

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

Regards ...
Jim

 

[DG Hear]

Alcohol At Work

Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work...

It's an incentive to show up.

It reduces stress.

It leads to more honest communication.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

It encourages carpooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job,you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

 

[DG Hear]

Office Inspiration

Top 10 sayings we'd like to see on those office inspirational posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagarism saves time.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

 

[DG Hear]

Thought this was appropriate -


Here's your financial vocabulary lesson for today:

"Liquidity"

Definition: "When you look at your investments and wet your pants".

 

[DG Hear]

Why Computers Sometimes Crash!

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss. (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.


If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!


If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.


And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.


When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!


Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

 

[DG Hear]

Responsibility

Employer to applicant: 'In this job we need someone who is responsible.'

Applicant: 'I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.'

 

[DG Hear]

The Professor and dirty jokes

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

 

[DG Hear]

Cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

 

[DG Hear]

Sexual Olympics

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

 

[DG Hear]

Family Honor

A girl was going on her first date and her grandmother gave her some advice:

“The boy may try to kiss you -- it will feel good, but don't do it. He may try to go up your skirt -- but don't let him. He may try to try to take your clothes off -- but don't do it. He may try to get on top of you -- but don't do it. If you do any of these things, you'll disgrace your family.”

The girl said she understood and went on her date.

The girl came home at about 11pm and her grandmother was waiting for her and said, “Well, did you disgrace the family.” “No,” said the girl, “Instead of letting him do those things to me, I did them to him and now it's his family that's disgraced!”

 

[DG Hear]

Killer Habits

Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.

Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.”

 

[DG Hear]

Lawyers

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”

A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”

 

[togitc]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

 

[togitc]

Two neighbors, John and Sam, are always competing.

One day John looks over the fence and spies Sam's wife, naked, watering the garden. When Sam gets home from work, John brags to him that he's seen his wife naked.

Sam wants revenge, so that night creeps over to John's yard and catches sight of John's wife performing oral sex.

The next day, Sam approaches John at the mailbox. "Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night."

"Ha ha, the joke's on you," John says, "I wasn't home last night!"

 

[togitc]

A guy walks into the bathroom and sees a very small man taking a leak. The little man looks at him and says "Hi! I'm a leprechaun! And because I like you, I'm going to grant you three wishes."

The man thinks for a moment and then says "I'd like a beautiful house."

"Granted. When you return home, you will have a gorgeous mansion."

"Great! Now I'd like a beautiful woman."

"Granted. When you return home, you will find a woman so amazing you will never look at another woman again."

"And I would love to have a huge penis."

"For that, you'll have to let me screw you in the ass."

The man hesitates, but since he wants a huge penis, he consents. As they're going at it, the man says "I can't believe I'm letting a leprechaun screw me in the ass!"

The little man says "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun."

 

[togitc]

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

 

[togitc]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"