Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Priests Collar
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a father."
Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."
Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Little Johnny got on a bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a father."
Little Johnny thought a second and responded, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."
Little Johnny quickly answered, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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9 Words Women Use
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“I was one of their most valuable asset for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.”
“I was one of their most valuable asset for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says,
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Special Ring
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said,
"I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said,
"I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
"We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
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A blonde is hired to work on an assembly line at a toy factory.
The foreman tells the workers they will be assembling 'Tickle Me Elmo' dolls today and tells each one his or her place on the line.
Production begins and in no time the line comes to a halt.
The foreman goes to see what's wrong, and finds the blonde at the end of the line surrounded by a huge pile of Elmo dolls. The foreman watches for a minute as she takes two marbles from a bag, rolls them into a scrap of cloth and sews it between the dolls legs.
"No, no, Amber," says the foreman. "I said I wanted you to give each doll two test tickles."
The foreman tells the workers they will be assembling 'Tickle Me Elmo' dolls today and tells each one his or her place on the line.
Production begins and in no time the line comes to a halt.
The foreman goes to see what's wrong, and finds the blonde at the end of the line surrounded by a huge pile of Elmo dolls. The foreman watches for a minute as she takes two marbles from a bag, rolls them into a scrap of cloth and sews it between the dolls legs.
"No, no, Amber," says the foreman. "I said I wanted you to give each doll two test tickles."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Net Meeting
Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.
After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.
One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."
Bunny and Bob, two frequent users of a chat room, discovered that they had a lot in common. Eventually, they abandoned the chat room for a more intimate correspondence.
After months of virtual kinky-ness, the two decided to meet each other face-to-face at a small cafe. Bunny arrived a little late.
One customer, a short, frail man with an eye patch, sat at the back of the cafe. "Are you Bob?" asked Bunny. "Yes I am," said Bob.
"Unbelievable!" Bunny exclaimed. "You told me that you were tall, dark and handsome."
"How do you think I feel?" Bob asked, his face turning red. "You told me that you were skinny, blonde, and female."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Yard work sign language
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.")
She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.")
She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
glynndah
good little witch.
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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That was great my witchy friend. Tank you. Never saw the Kazoo played like that before. A must listen too for everyone.
DG
glynndah
good little witch.
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Makes you feel down right patriotic, doesn't it?That was great my witchy friend. Tank you. Never saw the Kazoo played like that before. A must listen too for everyone.
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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http://i40.photobucket.com/albums/e235/dghear_2008/raindeer.gif
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring... Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring... Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-old man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
Jack_Samuel
Rogue Scholar
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Long time lurker first time poster
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."
Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrel..."
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Welcome Jack
Feel free to post anything anytime. Everyone has different tastes in humor. We're pretty easy to get along with here. haha
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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"Be Strong…"
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too...
A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and starts kissing her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants to go all the way, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too...
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Rednecks
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
As you might have guessed: I love Rednecks.
DG
Happy New Year to all the RedNecks out there.
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
As you might have guessed: I love Rednecks.
DG
Happy New Year to all the RedNecks out there.
Jack_Samuel
Rogue Scholar
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My wife and i divorced over religious reasons.
She thought she was god and i didnt
She thought she was god and i didnt
slyc_willie
Captain Crash
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DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
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DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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As I've Matured...
Sent to me by a good friend
DG
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU
DG
Sent to me by a good friend
DG
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF YOU
DG
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
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- 6,689
Restroom Signs
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill,
Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
A Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con,then what is the
opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill,
Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
A Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con,then what is the
opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
New Years Diet
"Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said: 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as I only can,
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!"
~Author Unknown
"Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said: 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as I only can,
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!"
~Author Unknown
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