Humor Thread

[DG Hear]

Old man and Rocker dude

A young man with red, blue and green hair, spiked straight up sat next to an old man, sitting on a park bench.

"What old man! Never done anything crazy in life?"

The old man replies,

"Yes. About 20 yrs agao I lived a rather wild life. One day I Fucked a peacock... I was just thinking whether you might be my son ...."

 

[DG Hear]

It's Saturday and I'm at a party.

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell you are I think.
I'm not under what they call
The alcofluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk as thinkle peep,
I'm just a little slort of sheep.
Tee martoonis make a guy
Fool so feelish, don't know why.

Rally don't know who's me yet
The drunker I stay the longer I get
So just one more to full my cup,
I've all day sober to Sunday up!

 

[TE999]

Actual excerpts from court transcripts

(A- Attorney W- Witness D- Defendant)

A. What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

D. He said "Where am I Cathy?"

A. And why did that upset you?

D. My name is Susan.

----

A. What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

W. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

----

A. Are you sexually active?

W. No, I just lie there.

----

A. Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

W. Are you shitting me?

----

A. Your son, the twenty year old, how old is he?

W. He's twenty, much like your IQ.

----

A. Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

W. Did you actually pass the bar exam?

----

A. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

W. Yes.

A. And what were you doing at that time?

W. Getting laid.

----

A. How was your first marriage terminated?

D. By death.

A. And by whose death was it terminated?

D. Take a guess.

----

A. Can you describe the individual?

W. He was medium height and had a beard.

A. Was this a male or a female?

W. Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.

----

A. All your responses must be oral, OK? Where did you attend school?

W. Oral.

----

A. Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

W. All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

----

A. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

W. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

----

A. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

W. Are you qualified to ask that question?

----

A. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

W. Yes.

A. And in what ways does it affect your memory?

W. I forget.

A. You forget? Can you give an example of something you forgot?

----

A. She had three children, right?

D. Yes.

A. How many were boys?

D. None.

A. Were there any girls?

D. Your honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

----

A. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

W. The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

A. And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

W. If not, he was by the time I finished.

----

A. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

W. No.

A. Did you check for blood pressure?

W. No

A. Did you check for breathing?

W. No.

A. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

W. No.

A. How can you be sure, doctor?

W. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

A. I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

W. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[DG Hear]

Marriage Quotes

Its a bit long, but worth reading what others have to say

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Conolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for: 1) everything I say, and 2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"Q: Why do men usually die before their wives ? Because they want to."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married ?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much......Monogamy ? It's the same" - Oscar Wilde.

"Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds can get you shot."

"Life is a bitch, then you marry one."

"The most common form of marriage proposal: 'YOU'RE WHAT !?'"

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry." - Brendan Behan (1923-64) Irish playwright.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent."

"Three rings of marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - George Burns.

"How do most men define marriage ? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free."

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

"Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that."

"If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books." - Alan King.

"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus.

"Where there is marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." - Professor Irwin Corey.

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson.

"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." - Richard Pryor.

"Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them." - Sydney Smith.

"My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely." - Rodney Dangerfield.

"My wife was in labor with our first child for thirty-two hours and I was faithful to her the whole time." - Jonathan Katz.

"What food sucks 80% of the sex drive from a woman ? The wedding cake."

"They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death."

"I still miss my Ex, But my aim is getting better" - Bumper sticker.

Marriage is an institution
Marriage is love
Love is blind
Therefore: Marriage is an institution for the blind

I married Miss Right... Then i found out her first name was 'Always'

Marriage is an institution, but i'm not mad enough to be institutionalized.

If you want to know what your wife/girlfriend will look like in 30 years time, just look at her mother!

 

[DG Hear]

What women want

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, .......And she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them!

Attention Lady Readers: This is the end of the joke for u. Stop here and continue feeling better.


Male Readers, please scroll down ....
.....
.....
.....
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The man had a 10 times milder Heart Attack !!! -



Moral of the Story : Women are dumb so u can very easily mess with them!!!

 

[DG Hear]

Conversations

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

 

[DG Hear]

The little girl and her dog

the little girl and her dog

A little girl asked her mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but
keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog
on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!


The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[DG Hear]

Things to think about

Some are older but still fun to read.

1. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Humans?

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this at work?

 

[DG Hear]

Signs!

1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the second one just left."

4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don''t you will be."

6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

7.In a restaurant window: "Don''t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we''ll wait."

10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

 

[redpaint]

'Twas the Night After Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

Christmas Present
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."

 

[TE999]

A Stress Management Technique

Take a deep breath...another...relax...relax...picture yourself near a gently flowing stream...birds are chirping in the cool mountain air...nothing can bother you here...no one knows this secret place...you are in total seclusion from that place called 'the world'...the soothing sound of a waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity...the stream water is crystal clear...you can easily make out the face of the person who pissed you off whose head you're holding under the water...

 

[jestersqwest]

LOVE a lot of the jokes on here. This is an old one, but one of my <clean> favorites.


One evening, after supper, an old couple were sitting on their porch, in their rocking chairs. The wife says to the husband, "You know what sounds good?"

He looks back and says, "No. What?"

"Vanilla Ice cream," she says, nodding.

"That does sound good."

"Yep. Vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup on top." She says. Then she turns to him. "Why don't you go get us some?"

"Alright, I will," he says, and goes to put on his hat. When he comes back out, she is still sitting there.

"You better write it down," she says.

"Naw, I can remember vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup on it," he says.

"I'm tellin' you, you're gonna get down there and forget! You better write it down.

He hushes her, and starts down the road. About half an hour later, he comes back with 2 ham sandwiches. He hands one to his wife, and keeps one for himself.

She opens hers up, looks inside and says, "I TOLD you to write it down! I wanted Mustard on mine!"

 

[DG Hear]

Some funnies

Ok, I just forwarded them.
DG

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a pint of Guinness. As they're sitting at the bar enjoying each other's company, three flies come buzzing along and land in each man's drink. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his brew and goes on drinking. The Irishman holds his fly over his drink and starts yelling, "Spit it out, you bastard!
Spit it out!

Difference between a hen and prostitute?
Hen: Cock-a-doodle do.
Pros: Any cock will do.

Q. Why do we have orgasms?
A. Because, otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop fucking each other!!

Why women love gold more than men? Because gold has 24 carrot whereas man has only one carrot.

A priest saw a girl removing her blouse. The priest prayed: God, please close my eyes. When he opened his eyes, the girl was naked. This time he prayed God please close your eyes.

AGE OF BOOBS:
14 to 16 LEMON,
17 to 22 ORANGE
23 to 28 MANGO,
29 to 40 TENDER COCONUT,
41 to 55 USED PILLOW,
56 to 65 AIR REMOVED BALLOON.


Newton's 3 laws.

1. Every man has a pole and a woman has a hole.
2.When pole enters the hole, it produces a new soul.
3.When hand in motion, it produces lotion.

Priest lost his COCK, asked during mass: Any one got a cock?
All men stood up.
I mean anyone seen a cock?
All women stood up.
I meant has anyone seen my cock.
All nuns stood up.

What do you get when you have sex with a judge, banker & an architect?
Judge- Honourable discharge.
Banker- Premature withdrawal.
Architect- Illegal erection.

The 'F' rule: -

Find her...
Friend her...
Flirt her...
Finger her...
Fuck her...
Forget her.

Woman's prayer: Oh holy man, lay down with me on a holy bed, let your holy pole enter my holy hole so that your holy water can produce a holy soul...aaahhh.

What is the difference between secretary and a private secretary?
Ans: secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR.

Love is not measured by hugging, kissing; sex, love is respect and trust, accepting person with open legs and closed eyes, wet lips saying, "push it more.."

What’s the difference between a microwave oven and a woman? A microwave oven doesn't scream when u put a piece of meat in it.

A Girl asks her lover, will you love me like this after marriage also?
Boy: Yes, only if your husband does not have any problem.

What is a kiss? Kiss is an enquiry in the 1st floor about the vacancy in the ground floor.

What is the height of safe sex? A person masturbating with condom on.

What is the height of suspicion: Two gay men having a shower together. The soap falls down and no one bends to pick it up.

Why do women have their breast on top? Because if they had it lower down, the 'PUSSY' would drink all the milk!

Guy says: Remember the 1st time I used alcohol as a substitute for a girl. What happen? Asked his friend. Guy: Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

Five road signs, which best describe female organs:
1.deep excavation
2. Slippery when wet
3. Stop on red signal
4. Slow down curves and hump
5. Men at work

A guy walks up to a sexy babe and asks her if she would like to take part in a magic trick. She said OK. He says lets go to my place we fuck and then I disappear.

Nipple, Nipple don’t be far,
Can I Press u in my car.
Up above the chest so high,
Always milky never dry.
Let me suck u don't feel shy,
In the braziers u will die

Man walked into ladies toilet. Lady who was inside shouted 'THIS IS EXCLUSIVELY FOR WOMEN'. The man, unzipping his pants said, 'THIS TOO'!

Mobile is the only thing that a man proudly says - Mine is smaller than yours!

 

[redpaint]

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

Smile, life is too short not to !!

 

[redpaint]

"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor.

Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Ed replied...

 

[redpaint]

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)

 

[DG Hear]

Intelligent Quotes???

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

 

[redpaint]

Warning - Please DO NOT look at the bottom of the page before you answer ALL the questions

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?

2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?

4) What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5) What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?

6) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?

7) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

PLEASE SEE THE ANSWER

ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (firetruck) 5. (fork) 6. (Almond Joy candy bar) 7. (last name)

 

[redpaint]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

[redpaint]

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously



1. A day without sunshine is like, night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

7. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.

12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.

17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.

19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.

22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.

23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.

29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.

31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.

33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required on it.

35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.

37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

42. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.

47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

49. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

 

[redpaint]

Forest Gump goes to Heaven



The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but...you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second ...."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."

"Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probably knows it. It's Howard."

"Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"

Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name ...."

 

[DG Hear]

You've posted some really funny stuff Red. Thank you and Merry Christmas to you.

 

[DG Hear]

Hard Worker

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.''

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, ''Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!''

 

[DG Hear]

Ungrateful

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you
take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stops and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step
a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got
married

 

[redpaint]

You've posted some really funny stuff Red. Thank you and Merry Christmas to you.

Thanks DG. Merry Christmas to you too.